AIBU

[Abip]

quick insight - Me and DC's 8 and six moved in with DP and his 18yr old a year ago. His other dcs come and go as they please so no privacy let alone sex as they complained !! Have lost a lot of money moving in with DP each month but loved each other and wanted to support each other. He needed to pay off ex wife so was going to downsize. We would have never seen each other as there would be no room for my dc's and disney dad would not leave his ds for one night! So to cut a long story short we moved in and i pay DP x amount (with deed of trust in place as been ripped off before). All was fine. I decided i wanted a better career, he said great i will support you anyway i can. BUT - i am still paying dp the same amount as before even though college is full time bar a thursday. Am struggling to do hair dressing in the evenings, work at my old job on the thursday and even worked at the bar of the local pub last weekend. However obviously DP needs to stay in on the evenings i have clients but states "as long as i can go out for drinks on tuesdays and thursdays and it does not affect my social life thats fine" Cheeky F!132%xxxx ! I am working all through the week to basically earn his spending money as thats what he gets left with. I do not work the weekends so he goes out all weekend. He seems resentful to having to babysit so i can earn the money to give him and i am very peeved. I never go out and thats fine as i chose to go back to college. Crunch for me was tonight as i asked him to get a bottle of wine on the way home and he did not. Is it too much to ask him to buy a bottle of wine considering he has £500 left to do as he pleases whilst i have nothing !! pointed out i cannot claim alg or tax credits as he earns too much. Oh and to top it off DSS has not worked for two years and lazes around. Now has a job now and gets one day a week and he takes nothing off him for upkeep at all. AIBU i feel i am being taken the piss out of/ used very upset :(

No YANBU. I'd be p'd off too. If you're not earning as much it seems fair for him to put a bit more in if he really wants to support you like he said he would.

A bottle of wine wouldn't have hurt.

Thats what i thought babyheave. It was the nail in the coffin. Was already peevd with lack of support and he knows i dont have even £4 for a bottle of sodding wine. He bloody drinks it all right though. What got me was on the weekend when i was working behind the bar someone commented on me working and he said well needs must whilst drinking on the other side !!! ARGHHHH ! Just said to him maybe me and Dcs should get our own place and i will get financial support then at college, and he can go to a flat with DSS. Got no reply ashe knows he wont have a dime. They are so selfish it upsets me.

i think you know what you have to do, i personally would get your own place and do your college course with support and not just his 'support', then you can choose whether to see him for 'dates' etc and you can keep your place dss free...

Its a hard decision to do but you need time to study and not just work work work... It can't be giving your dc's much fun either... Big hugs and have a glass of wine with us on the wine thread! Xx

So .... you moved in and, because of your monthly contribution, your DP gets to keep the property he was otherwise going to have to sell because he wouldn't have been able to afford it on his own ?

For you to make these contributions, you have to work several part time jobs in addition to college, meaning you have little free time, and no money left over to treat yourself. Meanwhile, his life carries on as normal - like it was before you moved in. Nothing has changed for him .... except (I expect) he now has an extra pair of hands around the house (bet you do most cooking/cleaning?) and (sorry to be crude) the "convenience" of sex on tap. It's win-win for him and lose-lose for you.

I don't see that he's supporting you at all .... though I'd expect he'd argue that a couple of nights babysitting is supporting you .... when I assume that entails him sitting downstairs watching TV/surfing the net/eating sweets/listening to music - hardly a hardship when he already lives there !

Seems to be like the mutual support you'd hoped for is all one way. Your loss (when you moved in) is his gain, and to top it all, his son is effectively being supported by you too if he's making no contribution from his earnings. All this must surely affect your children too ?

Totally agree with NRIF .... sounds like you'd be far better off without him, and if that means he can't afford his place without your help then tough - his problem. Think it's absolutely disgusting that if you're meant to be in a mutually supportive relationship he gets £500 to spend as he pleases while you're half killing yourself to get enough to pay him his "dues". I can understand that you may want to work so as not to feel like a freeloader but a decent partner would really appreciate that effort and insist that once all essentials had been paid for, you go 50:50 on what's left. A decent partner would NOT also disappear all weekend while you're stuck at home with the kids. Yes - know they're not his, but he's not treating you with any consideration at all - nothing like an equal partner certainly .... I really do think your only use to him is as the means with which his life as a single man carries on as per usual and as the solution to him otherwise having to downsize. You deserve better than that and so do your children.

Nail on the head WCM i have often said to him your not a single man now. He has often arranged many things without me. I just hate being treated like a second class citizen in my supposed home. Had enough and i know what your saying is true. Just hope if i tell him this he will fight for me. Story of my life x :(