Why do DP and I always argue over the skids?

[pookstermum]

Yet another argument(sp) over the skids today. I just wish I knew why it happened, it is the only thing we clash on. Do I expect too much? Today's was about DSS not being rude to me, he can have a real teenage attiude, espically when he returns from a weekend at BM. I dont expect him to be perfect but I do expect a few manners, if he spoke to his dad in the same way, he would be in deep trouble, yet when he does it to me DP refuse to get involved! Yet I cant disipline DSS, (DSS wouldn't accept it) but I am the one who deoes most of the day to day parenting, including homework supervision, always good for a moan from DSS. I just get so fed up feeling like Mrs Nasty and having them all moan at me.

If your Husband refuses to get involved when the son is rude to you, you should also think about doing the minimum possible with his kids, I would. Let him do all the day to day parenting, why should you do all of that and get no recognition for it. Let them see how it feels it might make him see how much you actually try with the kids.

Your dh is being selfish - leaving you to get on with parenting his kids with no support or authority. Not on IMO (I speak as a step-daughter so can see it from that POV).

Suggest you go on strike - of course continue to talk to dss (unless he's being rude to you) but no homework supervision, none of the stuff dh should be doing as a parent. Your dh can't abdicate his responsibility for his son. And he needs to back you up when dss is rude - that's unacceptable.

Mind you, bet dss actually realises (or will, when he's got over his sulky teenage years) that you are actually putting more into him than dh. And be grateful that you are the one who took parental responsibility for him. It may be a long time coming, but he will realise in the end!

Thanks. I am just feel a bit down at the moment, DSS had homework last night DP asked him to do it before DP went out, DSS didnt, too busy on the internet in his bedroom, DP not too bothered! his plan is for DSS to make a bit of a mess and then get heavy, DSS this morning told me to move his football kit, I refused and he just left, DP still didnt get involved (he dint witness the acutal moment) I just feel a bit of an unpaid slave at the mo, also SAHM to our DD. and trying to study, umm maybe I am doing too much or maybe I just moan too much, or expect too much. I tried the withdrawl bit, but just caused more probs, between DP and me. \he seems to think that I SHOULD take on a step role and do everything, because they are his kids and therfore I should automatically love them! I do in one way, but it is not the same as it is for our DD, not least cause she is only 20 mths old and still thinks her mum is the best thing in the world, slightly different from two teenagers!

Sorry you're having such a bad time pookstermum

I agree with the other two posts - your DP is being totally unreasonable on more than one count. Why should you have to take on the lion's share of parenting? OK when you become a stepmum you know, of course, that you'll have to do some - especially in your case as they live with you - but whatever the circumstances they are HIS kids, not yours, and refusing to get involved when they speak to you wrongly is just not on

My situation is very different to yours - sd doesn't live with us but visits regularly. If I were in your position I really think I would discipline the skids - whether they accept it or not they would definitely hear you and you never know they might just think that you finally mean business!

You are not asking too much to expect a few manners and some good old-fashioned respect

Pookstermum, your dp is being unreasonable, how can you parent a child without any authority?

Try to talk to dp, he needs to back you up when you disipline dss. My dp and myself had huge rows about this in the beginning but I made him listen to me and now he does back me up and the step kids do take notice of me.

You cannot love your step kids as much as you do your own IMO, you can love them dearly but with your own it is different. You didn't know them from the moment they were born, they are not biologically yours.

Looking at it purely from 'nature's view' all families have they're own pysical attributes, smell etc from which we recognise them as part of our families and whilst I am attracted to my dp (stinky smell and all, lol) the Step kids BM does not have the same smell etc and the kids obviously have a lot of their mum in them so therefore, although in my heart I love them we are not physically bonded by family attributes and smells etc. I really dont know if that makes sense to you, I propbably haven't explained it too well. It is however explained much better in a book by (I think) Cherrie Burns, Step-parenting, How to survive without feeling wicked frustrated or left out. I'm sure someone else will know the correct name.

I probably havent helped, but I do hope things get better for you.