Kids objecting to new partner they love ... What does it mean?

[onion0]

I have a girl aged 8 and boy aged 6. Their dad left 2.5 years ago but we're all friends still and meet regularly. I've had a few boyfriends over the last year, the last one lasting 10 months, and the kids have been fine with this. However, I'm now with a fantastic guy who i love deeply and hope to stay with forever. The children act like he's their favourite when he's around; he skateboards with my son and plays chess with my daughter, they're all over him and demand his attention. He has a 6 year old daughter who visits with us every other weekend, and they all get on wonderfully. Sounds like the fairytale? Well, mostly it is but my partner has started staying over most (actually, every) nights and the kids are starting to object. The little one says he doesnt like that he cant be in bed with just me anymore, and my daughter has said to her dad that i dont care about her anymore and she doesnt get to spend time with just me. But its not that simple. The realities of being a single mum with full time work meant that i hardly spent any time with them 'just me' anyway, and when i arranged time specifically without my partner they preferred to play with friends. It almost seems like they miss the idea that i am there for only them. I'm getting such mixed messages as their actions tell me they love him and want him around, their voices say that they want him to go.
So what do i do? I'm in this for the long game so want to make sure everyone adjusts as well as possible. Do i ignore it and make sure i give them plenty of attention? Do i ask my partner to stay away more, even though i'd hate that? Is it just a matter of waiting for everyone to settle? If anyone can give me some guidance, i'd be very grateful.

I think they are competing for your attention, which is only natural. They are still quite little but probably old enough to remember when their dad was around and I would bet if you asked them what their dearest wish would be it would be for you and their dad to be together again. That seems pretty standard for most children.

so however much they like or even 'love' your new partner (although I am not so sure you can ascribe such an emotion to them - how long have they known him?) he isn't their dad and will never be their dad and that has the potential to cause tension, no matter how great a guy he is.

I wouldn't ignore it, I would try to be patient and explain that you love them very much but you are going to want to spend time with your partner, and that doesn't mean you love them any less. If they are finding it very hard to adjust, you might want to think about family counselling.

But I definitely don't believe in sweeping it under the rug. However, I don't think little children should be allowed to feel they are in control and making decisions about who mummy does or doesn't see - that isn't healthy either. I think you've got to try to strike a balance between the two, but I can see it can't be easy.

I think it's probably just a case of waiting for everyone to settle. I went through something similar when I met DH - DS1 and DD were 8 and 6 as well, and DD especially found it very hard. If it helps, she's 21 now and they're the best of friends, but those first couple of years I felt like I was going insane trying to be fair to everyone.

You do need to make the effort to have some one to one time with each of them, so at least they can't use the "no just me time" argument - go see a film or something, and ignore their requests to see friends.

It is a huge thing to adapt to from their POV - having a fun guy around who will skateboard is very different to seeing the guy in Mum's bed in the morning. So tread carefully, don't rush things, give them lots of reassurance that they're still your Number one priority (I think my DD thought DH had replaced her in my affections) and stick with it - good luck :).

Hi,

As others have said its quite common for children to react like this. The children will be afraid of the change - they will worry that it means mum doesn't love them, even if mum is reassuring. They will also compete for your affections - I recall my dd would try to ensure she was always in the middle of me and DH. She just needed time to feel comfortable. She's now older and loves my DH and totally delighted to have DH in her life.