Don't think I'll bother anymore

[pleasechange]

DP's birthday this week. So as usual I went to the effort of getting DP a present from his DSS's, buying a card for them to sign etc. DSS1 is now 15 and the youngest 12. Again, not one word of thanks did I get for bothering (from them). Showed them the present on Sat and got them to sign card. Asked DSS1 to bring the pressie down as we were cutting the cake yesterday - he didn't bother. So afterwards, before they were due to leave, I reminded him. He came down without it again. They were taking so long upstairs that DP went up to their bedroom, saw the pressie bag but came back downstairs, assuming they'd bring it down - they didn't. So just before they were about to leave, I asked DSS1 again to bring it down - he said DSS2 was bringing it down. He didn't.
DP then said to them "so where is my present then?" - given that he knew it was up there

DSS2 then went up to get it and it was all a ridiculous farce. I am really not going to bother again.

I've tried allsorts, bringing them out with me to pick something, reminding them in advance etc, nothing seems to generate any interest.

At that age (15) I was remembering my parents' birthdays, getting them a card and small present myself. What do others do?

I used to do the same. Would take the DSS's out with me to get a present and card for DH until they were teenagers.

I then stopped as they weren't coming round so often and there was times I would have to sort it out months before DH's birthday.

I spoke to DH and explained that I thought they were now of an age to sort it all out themselves. He was fine with this and agreed it it was up to them now.

So now he is lucky if he gets cards at all. Mind you dd makes up for them :)

I think girls are generally better at sending cards etc. I know my brother doesn't see the point in giving someone a card if he is going to see them any way.

Just dont bother - they are being ignorant little s**ts and you are just earning them brownie points by doing all this. No next year Xmas or whatever you should let their contribution to your DHs birthday or Xmas reflect the effort they have put in - zilch in other words - it wont be you that looks bad and more to the point you wont be falsely saving face for them - rather exposing their true level of interest or lack of it.

Thanks both for replying
The only thing that was keeping me doing it up until now was for DH's benefit - he knew I was sorting it all out, but he liked the fact that I was doing it "for" the DSSs. As they're getting older now though it does seem silly and you're right suda, they are being ungrateful!

Also it wasn't even benefitting DH yesterday as he could see that they hadn't even bothered to even bring the present downstairs

I am really upset today. Something else happened yesterday that really wound me up. We had a problem a few months back that MIL was repeatedly giving the DSSs money/presents and leaving DS out (who is mine and DH's). DH tackled that but yesterday we were at her house and she basically ignored DS. I am really wound up by this the more I think about it. This is what happened:

• we got there and she offered DSSs a drink each. Nothing for DS
• after dinner she went round everyone and offered dessert. Ignored DS and then I asked DH to get him some so he wasn't left out
• after dessert she gave DSSs a chocolate bar each. Nothing for DS. DS then saw DSSs eating the chocolate and was asking me for some. I said to DH and he asked DSS to give some chocolate to DS
• after the chocolate she gave DSSs a jelly snake each. Nothing for DS. DH asked if there were any left and she said there were only two

I was absolutely fuming at the whole thing and told DH I'm not going again as I won't subject DS to being treated so unfairly compared to his brothers.

Am just at the whole day really

What an absolute bitch !

Not that any child should be left out of money giving/sweets/pudding etc. when they're all in the same room - but it seems especially harsh when the child affected is the youngest one. There's no way what you've described is anything but pointed favouritism and aside from that, I'd go so far to say it's actually quite cruel. No one who's a parent could be ignorant of how hurt DS must feel when this happens .... does she enjoy being nasty to him ?

Not to mention she's setting up the potential for bullying (in typical child fashion) there, as in "grandma loves us more than you" etc etc., if the SS's had a mind to.

I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to subject SS to this - but I'd also hope that my DH would make a stand and refuse to take any of his kids there until she promised to treat them all with some basic manners and kindness. Otherwise, she effectively gets the green flag for her spiteful belief that (seemingly, in her opinion) the SS's are "better" than DS. DH shouldn't allow her to treat any of his kids differently.

Agree - absolutely - no doubt she would be up in arms if she were at yours and you came out with a huge cream cake for your DS and not DSS's - it would be good to see her face but just stooping to her level obviously. Catsmother is absolutely right - your DH must make it clear its unacceptable behaviour and he will not tolerate her treating any of his children differently. Whats wrong with the woman theyre all her grandchildren - tbh even if they werent and one was a previous of yours for example - even then it would still be unacceptable - no child in any formation of family set up - be it step/half/fostered/adopted/twice removed/next door but ones second bloody cousin should ever be treated less favourably in any domestic situation or where they are visiting etc.

Example - my DSGD and DSGS ( I consider both just my grandkids btw ) arrived as expected at our house - DH had two bags of sweets in the cupboard for them which they kind of expect - bit of a tradition really - so straight away were asking for their sweets - now neighbour and her little DD were here so I got a food bag out of the cupboard and split the sweets three ways - DSGKs whinged a bit but they know me well enough to know they would have got no sweets if they'd pushed it.

They actually all sat on the settee swapping various sweets etc etc and I thought how lovely and they all were learning at the same time - how nice it is to share and be shared with. Not such a nice scene to have watched neighbours little girl watching longingly while they sat smugly scoffing.

Catsmother is right again on what a bad example it is and encourages bullying and I would say spitefulness and peevishness aswell.

Tell hubby either you tell her next time or you will and carry it out if he wont - she's just a bully in a way - stand up to her. Maybe sort it before you visit again might be best then no scene.

BTW just re read OP and realised your youngest DSS is only 12 - maybe I was a bit harsh in my first post and you could maybe at least remind him its his dads birthday etc when it comes up but then leave it up to him - to be fair he is possibly just following his older brother ? but I stand by what I said for 15yr old

I agree, I can't understand at all why anyone would treat a child differently. Just very cruel. I'm really not standing for it anymore. I'm going to raise it with DH this eve but am dreading it, there's bound to be a row. DH likes to see the good in everyone and will make endless excuses for her behaviour no doubt

Agree re. the 12yo - in fact if anything he's the thoughtful one of the two. It's a shame he's not the eldest or I would just sort everything through him tbh

It says a lot about your MIL that she would do this - who the heck doesn't treat all grandchildren the same, especially in front of each other?

Not surprised you're annoyed, I'd be fuming too.

yes babyheave, the problem is that this is just the latest in a series of similar incidents as well

A couple of months back, DH had to speak to her because on several occasions, she'd given money to the DSSs, in front of DS. Also had brought them gifts and given DS nothing. This hasn't happened since DH said to her, but now the stupid incidents yesterday have reopened the whole problem

There are NO excuses for what you've described. Okay .... so, on occasion, kids get treated differently - e.g. on their birthdays, if they've passed exams, if they're ill or had an accident ... but those sorts of things aren't ordinary, day to day things, and besides, those examples balance out in the end. To have invited you round for a meal, then left a young child out of the dessert is inexcusable, ditto the sweets. It'd only be acceptable if DS had dietary issues re: sugar, and then, you'd hope everyone might show a bit of tact anyway. Besides, you mentioned this happens with money and presents too.

At the end of the day, DH might not be able to alter his mother's attitude .... but he can make a bloody effort at ensuring DS is protected from it if she won't stop after being asked (not that anyone should have to ask !). IMO, that includes not taking any of the kids to see her ... it's not enough simply to remove DS from the situation. That may mean he (DS) remains ignorant of the favouritism, but it wouldn't mean that it wasn't still happening ! .... and if DH allows it to continue - albeit behind DS's back - then HE is condoning his youngest child being treated less favourably.

Have you any idea why she behaves like this ? ...... from discussing this kind of issue with other stepmums whose children have been similarly affected, there seems to be 2 main driving forces behind it. The 1st is that "2nd" children are punished as some kind of twisted comment on the new relationship. If MIL (or whoever) doesn't approve and/or was a great friend of the ex, any subsequent children are either ignored or treated in a markedly different (negative) way. The 2nd "reason" seems to be the (misguided ?) opinion that "2nd" children are luckier than the older children because they live with both their parents and therefore it must be "made up" to the ones who "came 1st". NOT that either of those reasons holds any sway in my book ..... and quite obviously a young child isn't going to happily forego sweets in appreciation of the fact they live with mum AND dad (and why should they ?!).

My mil has always been the same and now doesnt see our children or me. Ironically she now sends presents over and is trying hard but as far as I am concern farrrrr to little too late for me. Evil old cow.

In terms of your steps, try not to take it personally kids are REALLY selfish at their age, regardless of parental status. Just dont keep doing it - it isnt your job and they dont appreciate it - spoil your dh yourself and demand some special rewards as a treat :)

catsmother - you always manage to put things very well in words in a way I can't!

In terms of reasons why - I have 2 theories on it. One is your latter reason - she somehow sees the DSSs as the 'poor little mites whose mummy & daddy split up'. The fact that one of them is now a hairy arsed teenager who doesn't need to be offered sweets as a penalty for his parents divorce 10 years ago seems to have passed her by. You're right though, absolutely no reason to 'punish' my DS because of it. She never got on with her other DIL either, so it's not like it's out of a loyalty thing.

My other theory is that she has always seemed slightly jealous of me in some way, which I have long suspected following several barbed comments after DH and I got together. I have a good career, and when DH and I got together she would say things such as 'well now allnew can keep you in the manner to which you've become accustomed' , and suchlike. Oddly, she also makes a difference between BIL and DH, for example paying for BIL's car insurance and stuff as if he is a child (he has a job and is childless so no reason for this whatsoever). But she would never, ever, do anything to help DH. Somehow, maybe, she sees DS as being in the same category, I don't know

prettyfly - yes, evil old cow, you're right!

allnew is your mil my mil. I too am self made successful and she HATES it. She hates me as she used to get to walk into exes house and do all their stuff like an unpaid servant and moan about how awful they were but secretly love it and I wont have her doing my things. Partly because I dont need her too and partly because it is my house and I dont like and partly because at 73 I dont think she should have to, hence the reason my kids are penalised HEAVILY. Just dont go there and dont take your kids. She will soon get the message and ten to a penny change her tune!!

prettyfly - having a difficult MIL and being a SM is definitely a bad combination, I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

Well I brought it up with DH and we've just had a big row....great

Oh dear - sorry to hear your chat with him hasnt gone well. I am lucky in that my dh is fairly supportive and acknowledges his mums rubbish. Just find an excuse every time he mentions going there. "DS has a party", " DS has a class etc".

Sorry he's being a prat.

Bottom line is this - does he think it's right that 2 of his 3 children are treated more favourably than the 3rd ? Does he think unkindness towards a young child is acceptable ? What is HE going to do to protect and support his youngest child ?

Am so angry for you. He can't possibly justify his mother's behaviour and it's his duty as DS's father to see that he's not unnecessarily upset or discriminated against.

My DH is like this with issues about his DS - you just cannot speak to him about it - he just shouts me down and its gets very heated - then he refuses to talk about it anymore and I end up really angry and upset. I sometimes write him a note - you cant have a slanging match with a note and sometimes seeing it written down in almost a factual way can make him see sense. Its so bloody obvious this situation of yours is wrong and unfair that in black and white surely he will see - FWIW I think he does know - its like my DH - has a knee jerk reaction to any perceived attacks on his nearest and dearest then gets entrenched and wont back down. Maybe he will say something to her - lost count of number of times we've had these shouting matches about DSS s pots or whatever and DH is having none of it - then later on I hear him telling DSS off for very same thing he's been defending him for ??

Also forgot to say - maybe he finds it very hard to challenge his mother especially if she is quite dominant - its hard to do I suppose - bit like role reversal - so the reason he's gone defensive could be because he knows he would find that hard - so instead he's pretending he doesnt think you've got a valid point so he doesnt have to - if that makes sense ? Rather than admit he's not got the balls.

What Suda suggests makes sense ..... if you refuse to admit something's wrong, then you don't have to do anything about it !

I can understand he might not relish a confrontation, and if this issue was purely some sort of disagreement between you and MIL then his reluctance to tackle this might be more of a grey area (though I personally believe that once you marry, your wife should usually take priority over your mother) but this concerns his youngest child being treated in a pointedly mean way and I just don't understand why he won't stand up for him.

Slightly different perspective:

I have two older half brothers from my father's 1st marriage. We all grew up in the same house with our dad and my mum ( who is their step mum). My dad's family always massively favoured my two brothers over me. Even to the point where my Gran died and everything was shared out between all the grandchildren except me.

BUT... I know why they did it. They were trying to make up for the fact that my brother's parents had split up. They were trying not to let my mum and dad and me become the 'real' family with my brothers as extras to that, when their real family was my dad, his 1st wife and my 2 brothers. I am sure they felt that I alreay had everything, in that my parents were happily married, and that no amount of extra treats for my 2 brothers could make us even, but they misguidedly tried.

That's my take on it, anyway.

And as a child I just sort of accepted it, as part of a reinforcement that my brothers and I weren't quite the same. I don't remember being upset. As an adult I feel more cross about it, but can rationalise it.

Interesting Yuno from the other point of view - you seem quite unscathed luckily and philosophical about it. What a marvellously laid back together person you sound aswell - if you dont mind me saying. So many people are quite bitter and/or screwed up by these situations even years on. I think the irony is that 2nd children as the youngest - often by several years - are therefore the ones most likely to be upset by being left out.

Like in the OPs case - the older kids 12 and 15 (I think) are old enough IMO to shrug it off if their Gran only got sweets for their little brother now they're a bit older. But to miss the youngest child out of something which is essentially a childs treat - i.e. sweets - is extra cruel. Also this Gran is biological Gran to all the children involved.

Maybe when this youngest child grows up looking back wont be able to put it to bed as easily without an 'excuse'. For example he cant use the one that she wasnt really his Gran so thats why she favoured his brothers.

Basically adults should not fuck play with childrens minds in this way (and I'm sorry if that sounds a tad dramatic but thats what OPs MIL is doing knowingly or not IMO} - you never really know what damage it does - worse scenario it can impact on their self worth and confidence into adulthood. Even though (happily) people like Yuno are living proof thats not always the outcome.

suda - sorry I haven't got back to this one for a couple of days. I think you hit the nail on the head re. why DH is taking the denial attitude rather than face it head on and confront her.
Incidentally she called last night and I could hear that he was talking to her about it. Couldn't listen in unfortunately as I was giving DS his tea and we had a visitor. Also couldn't ask him about it afterwards as we were off out. I'll ask him this eve what he/she said and how it was left

Yuno your post gives an interesting perspective. I agree that children will always remember incidents like these of being left out, whatever the reason.

In terms of what you said "part of a reinforcement that my brothers and I weren't quite the same". That's part of what annoys me about MIL's behaviour. It's hard enough trying to live in a blended family, without MIL going to extra lengths to accentuate the difference between DS and his half-brothers. Whereas everyone else is trying to reduce the differences, she is doing her utmost to highlight them

Hiya Allnew - thanks for that - I think I said in a previous post that I ve lost track of the number of times that my husband has gone into aggresive defensive mode when Ive complained about some really really obviously bad behaviour to most reasonable people - and will have none of it - only to overhear him later on pulling my DSS up about it !! .

Sometimes its a bit of reluctance to confront and also a bit of pride mixed in - dont like to admit youre right after all or that their son - or mother - in your case is being a sod in one way or another. My DH has admitted in more lucid moments that he finds his son embarrassing - so theres a bit of that too.

Up to you but maybe if you left it now if youre pretty sure he hss spoken to her - otherwise it might look like your rubbing his nose in it IYSWIM. But you know him best obviously - just a thought