Other peoples children

[glasscompletelybroken]

There is currently a thread in AIBU about not really liking other peoples children and when I looked just now there were 73 posts and the majority of posters were saying that they don't enjoy the company of other peoples children all that much and quite a few are saying they actively dislike them.

I'm fascinated by this as if you are a step-mum and you even hint - ever so slightly - that you don't want to spend your whole life with your DSC and sometimes find them a teensy weensy bit difficult you get completely flamed (roasted even).

Is it me?

I mean an hour or two of someone elses little darling after school is a million miles from living half the time with them and having absolutely no say in how they behave/spend their time/treat you etc.

What does anyone else think?

Does being a step mum remove our rights to have these kinds of feelings?

Interesting point bright light. The problem my kids have is that 2 pre teen boys dont really want to fit in with girls that are a few years younger. I suspect they wouldnt play together if they were siblings even, but they are expected to all do stuff together. I appreciate that it is their new family but veery soon I suspect my sons start to vote with their feet, which will be a real shame for everyone concerned

Am totally with you on this on bright light. I would expect my kids to be polite and pull their weight whoever was in charge. At least ex and I agree on that.

My problem is that he lets them stay up really late playing computer games at midnight when they should be in bed as he is trying to make dads place 'fun'. They come home destroyed. What they need is more 1:1 time with him and less with everyone else, and just a few more boundries re bedtimes, computer games etc. IMO being disney dad doesnt help anyone - we dont live like that at home!

I agree with other people about the difference in attitude coming from DP's not from the kids.

When my DSC play up, I am confident that DP will deal with it or if I am alone with them, that I can deal with it and he will back me up.

If I thought that DP was letting his kids run riot, I think my attitude and feelings towards them would change and I would resent them.

The behaviour can be the same but it's how it's dealt with.

Hi

Can I come in please - just come off that one - afraid I rose to it - after being stabbed repeatedly - then got told to stop being so aggressive

• didnt dare post again - thought I might be the first mumsnetter to be arrested for inciting a riot.

Only said brat

Yes please come in - all opinions welcome here.

Hi Suda I've abandoned my thread too. At least your posts didn't flame me for being reasonable...

I think a lot is to do with the DP. When DSD first came to visit, he would let her leave her crisp and sweet packets over the floor. When I asked him about it he said that since he didn't see her all the time, he didn't like to bother with that kind of thing. How is leaving rubbish on a floor going to make a weekend visit better? I asked her to put them in the bin, she did and now always does.

There is an attitude that its all the responsibility of the step-parent to fix all problems, or put up with bad behaviour with a saintly smile and a light heart - its frankly unrealistic and it has to be a joint effort by everyone.

The one thing that's coming through to me loud and clear from this thread is that its not the kids that are the problem - its your DPs/DHs.

OK, I may be speaking out of turn, but I do have direct experience here - as a step daughter. And now as an adult looking back on the things I observed as a kid, and the bad stuff that I had to experience, I think so many step family problems stem from the fact that things between step mums (and dads) and their partners begin as many of you have described - you didn't 'look' for this situation, you 'just fell in love', you didn't 'expect' it to end up as a 'long term rel', etc etc. So, I'm guessing, by going into the relationship like that, you probably didn't sit down, by yourself and then in an indepth discussion with your partner, and really think and talk about what you were letting yourself/ves in for, and how the nuts and bolts of it were really going to work: the day-to-day boring bits, what the roles and boundaries are.

But you didn't get involved with a man who was footloose and fancy free, you got involved with a man who already had kids. They came first. Then you formed a relationship with their dad, got married maybe... and BAM... you know what - they're not 'someone else's kids' anymore. They are part of YOUR family.

It seems from reading all this here that what goes wrong with the step parenting issues you describe is not that the kids are 'brats' - its that they are confused, have experienced a lot of turmoil already, and their dads are misguidedly trying to make up for that by not providing them with boundaries, and by not helping you, the newest member of the family, with support and assistance to establish your role.

The kids are never going to go away, much as you might wish a 'magic wand' moment at times! Get to know them, you never know, behind all that rattiness and bolshiness there's probably a frightened and pretty nice kid waiting to be discovered. You might even end up being - shock horror - friends! And think how amazing it would be to look at them as adults and say to yourself - 'look at that person over there. I helped to create what they are today, and I didn't just do it because of a blood tie. I did it because I cared enough to make an effort to make a stranger part of my family'.

Interesting on this thread how people mention feel a failure when yet another s/family scenario descends into chaos. I do regularly - but why is it always us (s/mums) who feel like the failure ?

Maybe we should start giving ourselves a break and stop trying so hard ? Just the odd contemptuous silence maybe - instead of trying to constantly defend ourselves and the same old arguments and trying even harder. Yes methinks I have found my new tactic - contemptuous silence and a bottle of wine.

Also think the setting precedents point is a very good one - often wish I could turn the clock back and nip a few of my SSs entrenched really annoying bad behaviour in the bud. Its very very difficult to correct behaviour that they have slipped into over the years. But the problem is - or for me at least - that you let things go so bloody often for a quiet life - and the s/kids just gradually push the boundaries. Yes definitely as a stepmum - start as you mean to go on - if its not too late.

MINI - Very interesting to hear from your point of view - a very perceptive one aswell considering its from the 'other side' so to speak. My SS is an adult by the way and I have tried absolutely everything - all I can do now I think is hold onto my hat and wait for him to leave home - completely out of ideas I'm afraid.

Like I said wine and contemptuous silences are my new defence mechanisms. You can only try so much.

Btw - when I said s/kids just gradually push the boundaries - I do fully appreciate that any kid or adult for that matter will do this - didnt mean it as a generalisation. And I accept in the s/family with Disney dads and walking on eggshells s/mums = no discipline or boundaries = not the s/childs fault.

Hi Elasta

waves

I think that my dcs are experiencing similar to my dcs - there is a 12yr and 7 yr age gap between my dcs and their new half brother and sister
.
And yet when they went over to exh and new p's yesterday were expected to eat dinner at 5pm so that 'they could eat as a family'.

I do think that his new p is trying her hardest however I think she also has a completely unrealistic expectation of a teen (my ds1) and ds2 and is trying too hard to make a 'happy' family IYWIM.

Also I agree with the poster who said that the prob is the h's - in my case my exh has not introduced us (a deliberated ploy on his part) and I do believe he has not given her full info on what we agreed on paper for access.

I am now going to contact her myself (he looked worried) about barbed remarks she seems to make about me which appear to relate to misunderstandings about it.

I have gone out of my way to facilitate dcss seeing exh and have always encouraged them to have a good relationship with thier half b and sis. But none of that appears to be acknowledged.

Exh is an arch manipulator (tho she may not have seen that side of him yet) and I intend to cut through that and try to make things better.

Personally I would probably not have a live in relationship with a man with dcs as I can see how difficult it can be.

I keep all my love interests at arms length and not planning to get married again.

PS What my dcs crave (and always have even when we were married) is one on one attention from their dad.

Its a tough call for any new partner to have to cope with the bond between their partner and children I think.

I also have a friend who is a resident step parent and he has found it harder with the ds (who was 9 I think when they got together) and alot easier with his dsd who was 2.

Its probably easier in some ways to be a male resident step parent than a female non resident step parent. I can't unravel why I feel like that but jme of people I know.

Hellooooo - I am a bit late to this thread but I had an interesting comment from my DH today, after my DSD was rude to me (again!). He basically said that he thought I had the patience of a saint and that he would have blown up a long time ago if the shoe was on the other foot.

My DH may have created a number of rods for his own back with regard to his DD (which I often end up at the receiving end of!) but it was good to hear him acknowledge that being a stepparent is hard work.

Keep up the good work everyone and don't be afraid to vent on this site - I won't be flaming anyone......