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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Other peoples children

40 replies

glasscompletelybroken · 07/10/2010 15:28

There is currently a thread in AIBU about not really liking other peoples children and when I looked just now there were 73 posts and the majority of posters were saying that they don't enjoy the company of other peoples children all that much and quite a few are saying they actively dislike them.

I'm fascinated by this as if you are a step-mum and you even hint - ever so slightly - that you don't want to spend your whole life with your DSC and sometimes find them a teensy weensy bit difficult you get completely flamed (roasted even).

Is it me?

I mean an hour or two of someone elses little darling after school is a million miles from living half the time with them and having absolutely no say in how they behave/spend their time/treat you etc.

What does anyone else think?

Does being a step mum remove our rights to have these kinds of feelings?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

foolio · 07/10/2010 15:39

Hi GCB

Glad you started this thread, the last one was getting heavy.

IMO, being a step mum DOES mean you are not allowed to have those feelings. In some way you're viewed as unnatural if you don't love the SC as much as your own. WHY??? I have no idea.

And at the risk of being flamed, roasted, or even cremated, no I don't want to spend my whole life with my DP's DD. He is the ultimate Disney Dad, absolutely terrified of upsetting her, yet seems to think he's the one giving her as normal a life as possible.

He asked me a few weeks ago how I thought he was doing as a father given the circumstances. I replied, great job. If I'd said anything else, I would have been that step mum who doesn't love his child as much as he does. Couldn't be bothered with the fallout so said nothing. I post in here. At least I can be honest about my feelings. At least I can talk to other women who feel the same.

Happy to see her, happy to see her go. That's how I feel. DP feels the same about some of his sister's kids, but could I point out to him that it's the same as my feelings towards his DD? Not a chance.

Petal02 · 07/10/2010 16:10

?An hour or two of someone else?s little darling after school is a million miles away from living half the time with them and having absolutely no say in how they behave/spend their time?

Absolutely. Like Foolio, I too am married to a dedicated DisneyDad, who would rather stick pins in his eyes than address any of the less savoury aspects of parenting. As someone said earlier, it?s the threat of ?if I tell you off I won?t see you any more.? So the only role I?m allowed to play, is that of doting bystander. Anything else is unacceptable. Try having someone else?s teenager living with you EOW, and having zero parental authority. None of the ?get back down those stairs young lady, and clear up this mess? that I used to get from my mother. I think my husband would have me shot if I used that line. It?s unnatural.

My husband?s stance is always ?well he?s not doing any harm?. I?ve tried asking him how he?d feel if my mother stayed with us on alternate weekends (she wouldn?t do any harm either), he just laughs, says ?no way, it?s a completely different situation.? Really ?????????????

But very few people understand how I feel. The bio Mums don?t get it. They assume I must feel the same way about stepson as they do about their own kids. I?m sure they all think I?m some sort of Myra Hindley character. I?m so glad I found this forum. I also hear bio Mums say they don?t like other people?s children, but would have me burnt at stake if I admit I struggle with being a step mum.

Apols if you're all sick of my posts today, but I've had a tough week at work, and SS is arriving tonight, til Sunday, and I need it like a hole in the head.

BrightLightBrightLight · 07/10/2010 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

glasscompletelybroken · 07/10/2010 16:32

My DH just doesn't get it - he says things like "But if they were our children they'd be here all the time"
Yes but they're not OUR children....

OP posts:

Ragwort · 07/10/2010 16:36

Genuine question - why do you marry people with children? Do you naively think it will be 'different' for you? I would rather be single than marry/live with someone with children. I do agree it must be horrible (and I speak as someone who actually has a really nice SDF !).

I don't mean to be rude, but I am genuinely interested in why anyone would want to get involved with someone who already has children.

Petal02 · 07/10/2010 16:44

I wouldn't marry a man who had full time custody of his children. That wouldn't work for me. Despite stepson causing me a great deal of frustation, it's practically the only thing we argue about, and I wouldn't swap my husband for the world. When my first marriage broke down, I found myself suddenly single age 35, and was realistic enough to know that if I declined to date fathers, I would probably be on my own for an awfully long time .....

foolio · 07/10/2010 16:53

Agreed, Petal.

Ragwort, it's a fair question. All I can say is, I met and fell in love with a man who had a child. I didn't choose that.

I have never ever thought my experience would be any different from anyone else in that situation - well what I mean is, just as challenging. All step families face different situations.

No-one chooses to meet someone with kids. I was in the same situation as Petal and if I'd ruled out men my age who didn't have kids, I'd still be single now.

Like Petal, if I asked the DD to clean up her own mess, I'd be out on my ear. "She's only here for the weekend and I don't want her spending it cleaning up" Hmm, OK, but that doesn't square with you claiming you want to give her a normal life, does it.

You have no right to discipline a SC. Yet, you do have the right to pick up after them and you also have the right to remain invisible from Friday evening to Sunday evening. That's why it's so hard. "Doting bystander" - sums it up so well.

Original poster

glasscompletelybroken · 07/10/2010 17:01

Me too - I just fell in love. I didn't think it would be easy being a step-mum but I didn't think it would make me feel (at times) alienated, lonely, a failure and an intruder in my own home.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 07/10/2010 17:05

Thanks Petal and foolio for your honest answers; you have my sympathy, it must be a very difficult situation for you both.

My DSF has always been so kind to me (never knew my DF) but I can remember making up horrible lies about him to get 'sympathy' from friends; I am ashamed when I look back on it - hope I have made up for it over the years by being a good DSD !

FeelLikeTweedleDee · 07/10/2010 17:07

I think the dads see it as thus:

Love me then you must love my children. "They are a part of me afterall"

(my DH used that line).

Aye but they're also a part of your alcoholic ex wife!

Grrrrrr

foolio · 07/10/2010 17:08

GCB - everything you just said, I feel the exact same. I think this is the point - no one in their right mind would choose to be in a situation which makes them feel those things. It just happens.

The hard part is trying not to give in to those feelings. I fail on a weekly, if not daily basis.

I try to make my own arrangements for the weekends (if colditz is reading this, yes I am a grown up woman and therefore capable of doing my own thing), but then I get abuse from my DP for not wanting to spend every minute of the day with his DD, yet it is clear from their behavior at times that I am surplus to requirements.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

sorry if I'm hijacking. It's just that the whole issue of being a step parent is a thorny one and I think that unless you just shut up, nod and smile, you are always going to be attacked by someone in this arrangement, whether it's the child acting up, the Disney Dad, or the bio mum who thinks you're the spawn of the devil because you dared to show an interest in her ex.

Bucharest · 07/10/2010 17:10

Hope you don't mind me popping in here, I'll come and go quickly and leave you to it, but it was me on that thread, I think, if it's the same one, who said that despite being a step-daughter on both sides, I couldn't be a step-mum.

Hope I didn't sound too dreadfully patronising when I said how awestruck I am at women (and men) taking on other people's children!

foolio · 07/10/2010 17:13

My DP:
"In time you will grow to love DD as much as I do".

How? Why would I need to? Is that an order?

I do CARE for his DD. I do enjoy seeing her (sometimes - ie when she doesn't blank me or call me "her" the whole time), but at no point did I sign up for loving her the way her parents do.

FeelLikeTweedleDee · 07/10/2010 17:27

"How? Why would I need to? Is that an order?"

Did you say that to him? What did he say?

foolio · 07/10/2010 17:32

FLTD - no chance. I nodded and smiled and said it was early days and we'd see how we got on. All true. It is early days and we are just seeing how it goes. No matter how great DP thinks his DD is, he can't force ANYONE to love her. That's ridiculous.

Ragwort · 07/10/2010 17:35

foolio - do you think this could be a deal breaker between your DP and yourself - have you been together a long time?

FeelLikeTweedleDee · 07/10/2010 17:56

Foolio - I hope my DH never says that to me because I think I'd tell him the truth: "ain't going to happen". I'm gutsy like that. My blunt honesty has caused many arguments I can tell you. Perhaps you're playing the intelligent card though :) It was only when I backed off that DH "let" me have a child of my own.

cobbledtogether · 07/10/2010 18:03

Ragwort - I fell in love, it was a simple as that. When we met I wasn't looking for a long-term thing, it just turned out that way. So while he was upfront about having a DD, as we were living 100s of mile apart at the time, it never occured to me that we'd end up marrying and I'd end up a stepmum!

Original poster

glasscompletelybroken · 07/10/2010 18:12

Bucharest - no you didn't sound patronising. it's nice to hear an acknowledgment from someone who's not a step-mum that it is really difficult.

OP posts:

Original poster

glasscompletelybroken · 07/10/2010 18:14

Foolio I have the same problem with my DH - he wants us all to do things together as a family at the weekends but it's not really "as a family" because one member (me!) doesn't have any say in what happens.

OP posts:

BrightLightBrightLight · 07/10/2010 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DemonChild · 08/10/2010 10:03

It is really hard, but looking over different threads on this board it seems to me that there is one difference between those who enjoy (most of the time!) being a step-parent and those who don't - our DH/Ps.

Like BLBL, my DH has always understood that it's my home and family as well. He understands that I don't (and probably never could) love his DD the way he does and the way we both love our DD, but he knows I care about her. And we approach things together and stick to the party line, IYSWIM. I think if some DPs want to have their cake and eat it too - they want you to love their child as your own, but without any of the input that goes with your own child. This is totally unreasonable and unsurprisingly breeds resentment.

Still, I fail on a regular basis too! I think there's a line you can't cross with your own kids - it doesn't matter how angry you get at their behaviour, you still love them more than anything so you know that outweighs the anger in the end. My DD could grow up to be an axe-murdering paedophile and I would still love her and visit her in jail and give her fags to trade. (Although I hope I'm taking steps to avoid that ). My feelings for DSD are not unconditional like that, so whilst you try to treat them the same, there will always be differences.

Tryingnottoswear · 08/10/2010 10:04

Oh how refreshing to read such simple common sense! Thank you BrightLight!

elastamum · 08/10/2010 10:17

Can I add another perspective here. My ex and his new wife are forever trying to 'blend' their two families.

My children are a bit older than their stepsiblings and it is really getting on their nerves that they are always supposed to play with the little ones. My youngest was complaining to me that he was trying to do his prep last week and was being hassled but he has been told by his dad he isnt allowed to tell them to go away as it upsets them.

My kids dont really want to become part of a big blended family. They like his new wife, she is very pleasant, but they dont need her love or want a another mum either. They just want a bit more 1:1 attention fom their dad.

Petal02 · 08/10/2010 10:25

Elastamum - I think your post illustrates, that even with the very best of intentions, blended families often don't work very well.

I feel really guilty posting here today. My husband knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind for this weekend's access, and came home with an enormous bunch of flowers last night. Which is a lovely gesture. He knows I find it hard, he knows I try my best. In return I know he has the very best intentions for all parties. I love him to bits, he's a wonderful guy, but this whole damn blended family stuff is beyond me.

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