Splitting up with DP over issues with Dss

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Im not sure if thats the correct title, perhaps is should read over issues with DP!

DSS is 16 and still at school, stuck at the inbetween child/adult stage as you would expect.

Dss wants his girlfriend to be able to stay over, I said no. I might sound draconion but im really really uncomfortable with this and have explained this.

DP says I am ruining Ds's life (who seems to have accepted my decision) and the way he (dp) has reacted to me is disgusting, so I have told him to go if he cannot talk to me with any respect.

I do have issues with the way DP raises dss and we have clashed on this before, it basically boils down to dp thinking I am too strict, but i'll give you an example so you can judge for yourself.

Dss is in final year at secondary, he has failed all his exams english, maths etc as he never studied, we had various letters home from the school regarding non completion of homework/bad attitude in class. DP refused to do anything about this, would not tell him to stay in and study etc.
So basically dss will either have to go to college to get his standard grades/highers or what I don't know! He's not a stupid boy, he would rather play football etc and of course will, if no-one is going to tell him otherwise.
We had a letter last week about dss late coming to school and dp laughed and said, well he's not going to change now!
DP will not allow me to discipline or tell dss what to do in any way!

I don't think im over reacting in that I find this all completely unacceptable, what do you all think, am I crazy??? Please help!

Ahhh poor you - please try and get a good nights sleep - you are right not to relent - I think he will see sense as I said in my last post - if he hasnt already and is just not admitting it. He obviously has very strong feelings for you or he wouldnt be round so soon again and certainly not till this time of night. I shall remain optimistic for you. Thinking of you and will sleep with everything crossed once again !!

Thanks, but I don't see us living together again anytime soon, certainly not with dss anyway. I just hope our relationship will survive.

Its all very AAAARRRRGGHHHH isnt it ? If youre anything like me it goes round and round in your head. I absolutely hate unfairness and unreasonableness - does my head in. Its not fair on any of you - I mean you get on with your DSS fgs - even still stays with you occasionally and Dad is fine with that. Your DH loves your DS obviously so he loses out too. Why dont you ask him - why wont he let you be a co-parent to his son like he thinks of himself to your DS. Its the only thing thats stopping you living as a family. Its not like you want to run a boot camp - youve been completely exonerated on your stance by girlfriends parents view anyway.

Its just sheer stubbornness - and if he's anything like my DH - he is perfectly reasonable and sane in every other department.

I stormed out yesterday btw over this very subject again - we did so much for dear adult resident SS on Saturday - drove miles to pick up a car for him etc - gave up most of weekend ( and DH works all week ) - anyway long story but basically bent over backwards - contributed big chunk financially aswell.

Then yesterday DH decides poor little (23yr old) mite 'needs' a new carpet - he's wrecked his - spillages food products etc etc - and Ive always said NO - you dont reward treatment of something like that with a new replacement. But I think DH thought seeing as I was playing ball this weekend and helping him get DSS on the road again - which I said we shouldnt do as he's an adult but I just wanted an end to Dads taxi etc - he thought he would just have another push on the carpet issue.

I said tell you what - why dont we just dedicate our whole lives - leisure time - any spare cash we have - over to DSS - then will you be happy ??

We are sort of ok now - DH has admitted he was being ungrateful and said he does appreciate my efforts and sacrifices etc for DSS but I told him I need something in return - instead of just being steamrollerd into giving in more and more - give DSS some responsibility for himself and make him earn these things as reward for good behaviour not bad. Otherwise how will I ever have light at end of the tunnel - i.e. DSS becoming an independant adult.

Can I just do another AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH -

sorry !

Sorry to hijack slightly btw but I just know so well how you feel and you get to the stage where you question whether you can go through this same old argument yet again.

Well, he's going to apply for housing tommorow and im going to get him a form whilst I pick up one for a rent rebate!
He says hes ok with that as long as we get along better (he's just left again after watching ds whilst i've been at night class at uni).

I know we're making the right decision, its awful to say, but when dss stayed here last night, I found it really annoying, I just wanted my own space!

So thats kinda confirmed theres no going back, not saying its still not horrible just now and very strange, but dp says we'll get over these feelings and emerge better.

TBH, I don't know if I do very well living as a 'family', I do feel suffocated by it. And i've never really managed to live with a man more than a short while without feeling the same.

I hope your situation improves Sudo, I would have lost my marbles if this was still going on when dss was 23! I wonder if the dads are trying to compensate for either them or the mum not being there?

Ah thanks Trapped - thats lovely to think of me with all youre dealing with - why's life so bloody complicated eh !

Know exactly what you mean about the 'space' thing - I hate to second guess but I bet it felt even worse intrusion because your DP would probably still be there if DSS wasnt iyswim - and I know how its hard not to feel resentful against SC even though its not their fault entirely its nonetheless because of them. I fight that all the time - sometimes my DSS just puts his key in front door and I can feel hairs on back of my neck go up - then I often remind myself all this is mainly DHs fault for allowing and encouraging his bad behaviour etc.

You are spot on about overcompensation - my DSSs mother 'did one' when he was 15 and lives other end of country now with just her partner (bliss eh ?). When they first split up - DSS was 9 - DH moved out of marital home and only saw his kids at weekend and also worked away regularly in digs etc - so I think he is trying to make up for all that definitely and especially with now resident DSS as his other sibling was 15 when they split up - so he was a resident father for most of the eldests childhood really.

Then exw wanted to move away when my now resident SS reached 15 and DH bought her out and moved back in with him - and it was just DH and DSS living together for couple of years till I came on scene when he was 17.

So he is compensating youre right on two fronts really - firstly for the years he was a non resident father from when DSS was 9 and secondly for 'early retirement' as I call it - of his mother when she 'did one' when he reached 15. Mix in that he is youngest by quite a gap so DH and all extended family always thinks of him as 'our little' DS,DGS etc - and I think its entrenched in DH especially to just think of him as 'the baby' of the family. No wonder its like being up against a lioness with her cub really

Well, what can I say, I feel as if a weights been lifted!

Need to sort out housing benefit etc and still helping dp sort out somewhere for him and dss, but overall I really feel as if i've made the right decision.

I daren't sound so happy in real life when everyones expecting me to still be in pieces!

Dp can now indulge dss till his hearts content, but im wondering if he actually will see the wood for the trees now, that he doesn't feel as if he's defending him from me all the time and he actually has to clear up after him etc. Should be interesting!!

Am so pleased for you Trapped that at least you are ok with it all as things are. I often think if I had bought my own place which I was about to do with my divorce settlement when I met DH and then not moved in with him till all his baggage had gone - i.e. his adult son - then 17 - then we would be in a much better place and maybe DH would have thought - hang on a minute - I want to be with Suda but I cant cos freeloading 18,19,20,21,yr old (whatever age before it dawned on him) - still lives with me.

More to the point I wouldnt be so badly affected neither would DH by all this angst and I would be able to have a relationship with now DH without being affected by his parenting or lack of it of his DS or his messy habits etc. But as it is in your case when you move in together regardless the DH has it both ways really - his 'baby' still living at home and a live-in relationship with us new DPs or DWs aswell.

Then the DH just sits on the fence - takes the course of least resistance and wonders why theres fireworks. ! I think sometimes these DHs DPs need to realise they need to free themselves to have a life seperate from their grown up children or if not at least realise that they cant just let their grown up kids live exactly as they would with just them if their partner or wife has moved in.

Sorry struggling to say what I mean - but like in your case OP it sounds like your DP would definitely have let his 16yr old DS have his girlfriend to sleep if you hadnt been on the scene - so its like the SKs and the DH or DPs in these cases think they have a right to carry on as they would if new wife or partner wasnt co-habitating with them all.

Now as you say you can turn a blind eye and it also as you say might make him realise now he's not defending him against a 'mean and nasty' s/mum that actually you had a point. He will also miss you terribly I bet and that might make him think about the wisdom of prioritising his DS,s 'rights' above everyone elses - look where its left him - without you and his DC ?

Apologies - been a while since I read OP - of course your DS is yours and not your DPs isnt he - but still your DP is sacrificing seeing him on a daily basis whether he is his biological child or not he obviously loves him - and it is just one more person he is doing without on a daily basis on the altar of 'must let 16yr old DS have all his own way !!.

I'm really struggling today - does anyone know what I mean ?? - do us a favour please explain it to me then - Id love to make sense of it myself

Lol, don't worry I know what you mean!

I still blame dp, as dss is only doing what he is doing as there are no boundaries in place (I would be running absolutely wild if I were a teen, dss is more sensible than I was).

If there's any chance that dss would stay until he's 24, then im definetly doing the right thing.

It may sound daft, but Im feeling a little of my old happy self coming back, and I think im just too 'girly' to be in the same house as all these males, too much mess, too loud etc etc, now its me that isnt making any sense!! (god help me when ds gets older)

Things like only making one type of dinner, (me and ds are total vegtable lovers, dp and dss turn green at the sight of them), I tidy and the place stays clean and tidy!! Tis Bliss!!

I think your dh is sticking his head in the sand, he should be having a good talk with you about what you both deem to be acceptable then you should BOTH sit down with dss and explain this too him.
At 24 he's an adult, so he should be contributing financially if possible and definetly with the housework/shopping etc.

Of course if this doesn't happen, then I don't want to give you MY solution to the problem

LOL at you now - must be catching TRAPPED. They'll probably find us rambling incoherently on a park bench somewhere - with a few empty wine bottles beside us - thats not a bad idea really - forget all this crap for a few days hours. You in PETAL ??

My GP told me today to try going into 'robot mode' to stop getting as wound up as I do about the same things every day and arguing with DH in front of DSS every day practically - therefore perpetuating the problems and DSSs behaviour .

He said - well whats an example of something that causes scenes - day in - day out. I said pots - DSS will A. Not bring them out of his room and B. When he finally does - dumps them in my clean sink. I go ballistic as he will not change his habits and I have tried charm, rewards, consequences, threats, bribery, contemptuous silence - you name it - Ive tried it. So now I take it as War when he does this.

So I rant to DH about it and he's sooo sick of it he tells me to shut up and we have a big row. The GP tells me I am doing my health no good at all - and am putting my mind and body under terrible stress by being permanently - GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR or AAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

So he says do this -

Notice the pots - say to SS in calm robotic voice - 'DSS bring your pots out please'.

Ten minutes later notice pots still there - say to DSS - again calm robotic voice -
'DSS bring your pots out please' - and repeat and repeat as necessary - however many times it takes you do not stray one iota from calm robotic voice.

Eventually ( I'm told ! ) DSS will hear this annoying repetitive request and will move them.

Then pots appear on sink - so this is next stage -

' DSS wash your pots up please ' - remember the 'I am a robot' mantra.

Then just repeat as above - no matter what his excuse is - dont sway from calmly repeating your request - hence 'robot'

Now GP says this will have three positive effects providing I do not let myself get even slightly vexed -

1. DSS is much more likely to do as you ask - it is very annoying to be asked same thing over and over - like a robot - hence the term - it also means he cant argue with you as you are asking him nicely and your tone never deteriorates- so he cant start a consequential row.

1. Your DH hasnt really got any reason to get involved - you are asking SS nicely - so he cant think 'here we go again' - he is much more likely to get irritated at DS for repeatedly ignoring your reasonable request. Thats what will filter through to DHs brain apparently - DSs defiance - whereas before it was always me ranting - again.

1. Last but not least - I will not be getting stressed - not even raising my voice - so I am not undermining my health or state of mind and getting results too .

Think its same as the broken record technique really that I have heard of - but to be honest I dont care what its called if it bloody works !! - sorry - calm - think robot.

Anywat will try it and let you know

He is coming in from work in half an hour - so preparing myself -

'I am a Dalek

Dont do that

I am a Dalek

Dont do that

I am a Dalek

Because I said so

I am a Dalek

Because I said so

I am a Dalek '

< fades as ushered into ambulance >

Hi Suda! Hello OP, sorry to hear about your woes on this thread.

Just wanted to update Suda on my son (rude, free-loading, messy). Well, he GOT A JOB. Yes, really got a job. 30 hours a week at the uni. He finally got sick of being broke, I presume. He's coming back this w/end, the first w/end he's been back since I sold his car, so we'll see how that goes.

I really believe that tough love works. Pampering these boys just ruins them. My son is actually saving up and buying a TV for his college room - which is good for his self-esteem and my bank balance.

Hi Nome - brilliant - you give me hope you lot. Keep it up - you are so right about the tough love. Your DS will thank you one day I bet. Try telling these Dad / lioness type people that though.

Still trying wine, contemptuous silences and 'I am a Robot' myself.

Don't have wine, only vodka!

It was not being allowed able to blow up that sent me round the twist.

Yip, pampering ruins them and gives them no skills of their own to fall back on in the real world!!

I've tidied and cleaned to my hearts content and I know when I get up tomorrow, it will still stay that way.

I know the money in my purse will still be there having not been sponged off me.

I will wake up to milk still being in the fridge so I can have several a coffee and I don't need to rush to the shop to get some.

I won't go to get something out the fridge/freezer for dinner and it will still be there, not having been consumed in a midnight gorge.

I know that I might be able to have at least one of the biscuits I bought as a treat before they all disapear (big on healthy eating here)

Fuck Fuck Fuck, I shouldn't feel so good!

Don't get me wrong, I am going to be SKINT!!!
But I just don't care!

Trapped, I still have all those problems! Went shopping today basically for DS.

But, I feel much less resentful about all that. I think most Mum's are pretty reasonable. If these teenagers, and older, would make an effort it wouldn't be so bad. I don't expect perfection.

Just had dinner with DS. He was more chatty and not at all mouthy. Dare I say it, he seems to have some respect for me now? Of course, this won't last!

I had threatened to sell his car so many times and I told him clearly he had to pay for the upkeep. He didn't but I still think he's in shock that I actually did sell it. Funnily enough my DH, who is the step-parent here, went wobbly on that and I was the one who insisted the car went.

I used to stick up for dss as well when I thought dp was being unfair.

He actually went off on one at dss for injuring his ankle before a football game, yet didnt bat an eyelid when he failed maths, english etc because he hadnt bothered studying.

Maybe your ds being at uni will make him appreciate you more?

Football and cars must definetly be man things!

Yes TRAPPED I often imagine if Id got my own house when I got divorced instead of shacking up with now DH and his boy - I could imagine my house all beautifully clean etc etc and my now DH coming round for a nice meal etc etc - its more like courting IMO - called me old fashioned but I think it keeps a relationship fresh without all their domestic drudginess (i.e. grown up messy freeloading kids who wont leave) piled on you. I am sure we still would have ended up together and got married etc - but not till all baggage removed from marital home thank you !!

Another thought I had other day was this (aint hindsight brilliant - had I thought twice about moving in together and gone ahead and bought my own little place with my divorce settlement - and me and DH had still got to the stage of wanting to get married ,live together etc - we could have done so and I could have moved in with DH and DSS could have rented my little house with some mates or something - I know he would have trashed it but it would have been just mine so I would not have any of qualms I have had in this house about disciplining and making him and mates (if applicable} - keeping it reasonably good order.

Hindsight eh

Yes, if only we had known, of course the downside to all my happiness is the fact that dp and dss are now homeless.