Splitting up with DP over issues with Dss

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Im not sure if thats the correct title, perhaps is should read over issues with DP!

DSS is 16 and still at school, stuck at the inbetween child/adult stage as you would expect.

Dss wants his girlfriend to be able to stay over, I said no. I might sound draconion but im really really uncomfortable with this and have explained this.

DP says I am ruining Ds's life (who seems to have accepted my decision) and the way he (dp) has reacted to me is disgusting, so I have told him to go if he cannot talk to me with any respect.

I do have issues with the way DP raises dss and we have clashed on this before, it basically boils down to dp thinking I am too strict, but i'll give you an example so you can judge for yourself.

Dss is in final year at secondary, he has failed all his exams english, maths etc as he never studied, we had various letters home from the school regarding non completion of homework/bad attitude in class. DP refused to do anything about this, would not tell him to stay in and study etc.
So basically dss will either have to go to college to get his standard grades/highers or what I don't know! He's not a stupid boy, he would rather play football etc and of course will, if no-one is going to tell him otherwise.
We had a letter last week about dss late coming to school and dp laughed and said, well he's not going to change now!
DP will not allow me to discipline or tell dss what to do in any way!

I don't think im over reacting in that I find this all completely unacceptable, what do you all think, am I crazy??? Please help!

Oh I have a 5 year old as well if that makes any difference, and Im leaving to a 24hr shift soon, will try and check up on my phone later!

your DP sounds like a terrible dad - is your DSS's mother around and any better of a role model?

i feel sorry for your DSS.

you don't sound like you really love your DP and certainly not your DSS so maybe time to move on. if you did love them both and want a future with them you could make a difference but it would be really really hard.

Oh and we've all lived together for 4/5 years.

Fuffles, ive tried, I do love them both, right now I don't really like dp. Dss is actually very nice in the house, but obviously a typical teenager who will do what he can get away with.
I also think dp is a terrible dad, he sees himself as a great dad because of the no discipline thing!!!

Ds's mother not around, thats why I try and set an example of some rules etc, I do try and guide him in appropriateness but dp is always trying to block me.

What a horrible situation but I agree with your stance. Your DP seems to be taking a handsoff aproach to his son which is not helping the boy in the long term.
I wonder if your DP would have a different view if his son was a girl.

I think you and your DP needs to set some boundaries and I can understand why you feel so upset.

wow. have to admit on the first part I thought but having read the whole OP, well, wow. your DH sounds really immature.

what is he like with the 5yo? (am I right in assuming he is yours, but not DP's?)

Hello trappedinsurburbia, Your situation sounds similar to mine but mine is nowhere near as bad. DSS is 18 and gets away with absolute murder. My DP is crap at being a father as lets him get away with murder. He has his 16 year old girlfriend over and they spend all day in his room and I do not approve. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and we have two small children in the house. I have to nag DP to get him to ask him to take her home when we are going to bed at 10pm. God i was not allowed to do anything like he does and would have got a severe rollocking from my parents. I just did not overstep the mark and if i even tested there were severe consequences. But teenagers do not have this discipline anymore and its the parent. Unfortunately your in a situation like myself where the child is older your not the mother and its very difficult. My DSS would not listen to anything i would say if i tried, and myself and DP actually only argue about him. Its got better as it all came to an ultimatum as his behaviour really got out of hand. But this situation is not as i would like, although its better so a comprimise i think. I'm telling you now my children will not be allowed to behave like this (Hope !!!). I dont know what to suggest really. I have never told DP i think he is a shit role model or father as i love him and would not want to hurt his feelings. What makes it worse i suppose is a lack of privacy or time for yourselves so try going out together and focus on why you are together. I really let it stress me out and made myself ill in the process. Going back to college has really helped as i have more to focus on. Also just been away for a long weekend with all my girlfriends which really helped ! Let me know how you get on. I do hope you dont split up as you love your partner and you describe it perfectly as i would, you just dont like him right now x x

Well he's just left.

Lots of tears on both sides.

We had a discussion and its obvious (if it weren't already) that our views on parenting are complete polar opposites and we both are pretty stuck on our views.

Therefore no option but to split or at least live seperately.

algebra yes you are right, I met dp when my ds was just under a year old, he is fantastic with him.

I knew within months of us living together it was the wrong option (he's admitted as much now as well), but I think we both tried as hard as we could because of the kids and for some years we dragged ourselves through.

A few months ago I suggested us living apart but still seeing each other, it was met with horror, I couldn't bring it up again as dp's dad was diagnosed with cancer and unfortunately died only in the last few weeks.

I don't know if they're will be an 'us' anymore, he wants to see my ds as he thinks of him as his own, im hoping he will come up tonight so we can talk some more to whether we have a future or not ourselves but living seperately (what I suggested previously).

Its all a bit raw just now, but thanks for the understanding, I knew I wasn't mental, just completely differing views!

abip sorry your in this situation as well

So I'm sorry but your partner has left you because you will not let his 16 yr old son sleep with his girlfriend in your house. I mean he's barely more than a child. I think you are being reasonable to let him have a girl in his room - even for long periods of time - to bar that would be too draconian - but to have to welcome her sleeping over - or even his friends - is just one step beyond imo.

Well get this - I will not allow my DSS - who is 23 to have a girl sleep over - no way am I prepared to lose any more of my privacy than I already do - no way am I coming downstairs in the morning to some young thing in a nightshirt in my kitchen making toast - I have no young children but I too would find it very uncomfortable and intrusive. If young people want to start sleeping together they should get a place of their own I think

Really really hope you sort it out - not another love story sacrificed on the altar of step - parenting.

YANBU.

I wouldn't allow 16 year old shagging in my house but ....

As your SS's grades are slipping, it could maybe be used as an incentive? Ie "You prove to use that you are improving your grades, and then in six months time we will have a rethink about your girlfriend sleeping over!"

You aren't ruining your DSS's life, and it sounds like your DP is treating your DSS as a 'mate' rather than a 16 year old child.

Oh dear, just read your last message ...

Sorry, TIS

Very good point Houseproject - OP if you do get another chance at heart to heart maybe you could put this to him. If he had a 16yr old daughter am sure he would not be so blase about her sleeping with him period - let alone under his roof.

At the end of the day - even if he says thats different - everyone is more protective of girls cos they can get pregnant/get a reputation etc etc - then maybe point out to him that the 16yr old girl (I'm presuming here) he's quite happy to be shacked up in his sons room - is someones daughter/sister etc.

Sorry that read wrong - very wrong - meant to say if his 16 yr old daughter had a boyfriend he would not be so blase about her sleeping with him.

Well he came round last night, he was expecting me to give in, but I said no, it was too important to me and vice versa, think he's shell shocked i've actually stood up for myself.

Im glad im not the only person who thinks this is wrong/invasive, its keeping me sane.

Oh and dss stayed here last night, so far only dp that has gone, but expecting dss to move out today.

I just cant believe it Trapped - I really hope he sees sense - how well do you get on with your DSS - I think you said ok and he had accepted your decision ironically - is he aware its over his shacking up 'rights' - you never know - maybe he could have a word with his Dad. ?? Cant you compromise and say fine after he's 18 or sooner provided her parents guardians are aware and ok with. Theres surely got to be a compromise. It is so sad when people split up over these matters and needless IMO. Good Luck to you really.

I also think it ridiculous to allow a 16 yr olds girlfriend to stay over and wonder what your DP reaction would be if he had a daughter instead, however it appears you're banging your head against a brick wall on that one (not that I htink you should back down)

One area where you may be able to help your DP see sense (if you decied to give things another go) is his sons education. Ask your DP where he sees in son in 15 years time (or even next year) with no qualifications? How is he going to be able to provide for himself? How is he going to get a decent job and be able to keep that job if he is unable to get up in time for school, how will he manage to get to work?

I think a lot of parents forget that we are raising adults who in the future will need to work to be able to look after themselves.

I used to work for a family with an older stepson who could never get out of bed for school, never finished his homework, his Dad did his work for him and sped off to school each morning, god only knows how that man didn;t kill someone whilst speeding. But thats a whole other thread, the point is, this teenager never learnt how to be independant and by the OP DP actions, his sone wll also never learn how to look after himself, he will always depend in his dad - fine for now but wha happens if his dad isn;t around to look after him?

Well I brought that up as well, hows he going to get a decent job, got told qualifications aren't everything. No but they bloody well help!

I said that he can't keep wiping ds's arse for him (metaphorically of course) and he wasn't doing him any favours.

He just totally disagrees!

I'm so sorry it's come to this. However if you partner will put his 16yr old son's sex life before his relationship with you, then I do wonder if you're best off out of it?

I agree totally with your stance. I have a 16yr old stepson, and would be horrified if he were having sex under my roof. And I think my husband would have a similar view.

Also what is very sad is that your DH is coming to see your young DS - his SS - 'because he thinks of him as his own'.

It just makes his stance on his son - your SS even more nonsensical really as he's not allowing you to be a parent to him ( which is exactly what telling a 16yr old they cant have their girlfriend to sleep is - is it not! ? )

Yet he considers your son to be his own so presumably he would forbid him as a 'parent' from doing anything inappropriate when he was 16 if you were still together.

And what if your 16 yr old s/son was your biological son with your DH - would your DH be leaving you the minute you and him sang from a different hymn sheet about house rules etc. Probably not.

I just despair sometimes about these 'lioness with cub' dads I really do. Never ceases to amaze me the lengths they will go and what they will risk and sacrifice so their children never have to hear that perfectly healthy word NO occasionally.

Sorry ladies cover your ears - I cant fight it any longer - I can feel the cry of a stepmother coming on -

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

..and breathe.

Well, we're both getting on better today, no tears today!!

Dss has been up and is going to stay here 2 nights a week as he has a milk run in the area, dp is going to watch ds when I need for work (I do 24hr shifts) and going to pop by most days.

Much more normal conversation today (we even had a laugh), yesterday was terribly strained and horrible for both of us.

Oh and in the end, dss's girlfriend was not allowed to stay out anyway!!

Presuming she is the same age as your DSS -I should think not - so really you have fell out over something that was never going to happen because someone else up the chain has seen sense (ie the girls parents). But really that just backs up your point - and I think really a little 'told you so - its not only me obviously who thinks its a ridiculous idea' - might be in order. Or it might make things worse but you know DH best really. You know I often think these over defensive dads know deep down they are wrong and just dont like to admit it - its like they somehow feel that its going against their child and ganging up with you against them - but defending them is often just a knee jerk reaction initially but then they cant go back on it. - or some similiar mumbo jumbo psycho-babble typy thing demented I think he will come round and you will be ok - ever the optimist me - well I am a s/mum.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - sorry.

Seriously though really will keep everything crossed for you - I do hope you all have a happy ending.

Well he's just left, was fine till then, then tears! I feel so bad, but if I relent, everything will go back to the way it was, and I honestly can't live like that again.

Ironically dss is sleeping here tonight as he has his milk run in the morning in this area!

There were many more issues other than this, I just feel so sad just now.