Advice on new SD situation - sorry, it's a long one

[GeorgetteHeyer]

My DP separated from his wife 5 years ago, and they have a (now 7 year old) daughter. The divorce was very acrimonious and there's various courty things going on which have only just been settled, in relation to maintenance. He's paid Child Support and Spousal Support throughout all that time and will continue to do so. (that's another story!)

She moved 200 miles away after the split and he's driven down every other weekend to see his DD, sends her cards, calls her every week - he's never been allowed to take her away on holiday or have her for the weekend or anything. She's very funny about him even calling more often, even at pre-arranged times. Sounds very odd to me, but she's an odd woman (I appreciate I've only heard one side of the story but some of her emails etc - sheesh!) DP feels that he doesn't really have a relationship with his DD but will keep trying and that the main thing is that DD knows that he loves her and is there for her, which I totally respect.

We got together at the end of last year, and his ex has no idea about me yet, we wanted to see how things panned out first, and also due to the court case.

All is going well (really well!) and we're starting to think about when I should be introduced to his DD. My DP doesn't think she'll react badly to the news of me but obviously I want to handle this sensitively and get things off on the right footing. We both want to make sure we do things in the best way for her.

Tied up in this issue is the fact that DP will relocate with work early next year, so will be even further away from his DD (ironically this move will mean he can move in with me!), so we know that contact will become even more of an issue. Ex doesn't know that yet and won't until it's more concrete.

So I guess there's 2 questions really:

Any wise words on how to handle the first meeting / idea of me being introduced?

and WWYD about the contact/relocation issue? Surely then it wouldn't be within the bounds of impossibility for him then to have DD for a long weekend / holiday etc?

I just feel sad that otherwise I'm never really going to have a relationship with his DD. It's not feasible to do a 600 mile round trip every other weekend to see her, although we could manage it once a month.

Thanks for reading and I hope you can help.

Hi, I cant help you on the distance part however, when you say its gone through courts for bits does that include contct?? The contact he has doesnt seem alot it it has gone through courts..

We have my DSD Sat 11am till Sun 5pm 3 weekends out of 4. However once my DP has a 'normal' job it should be Fri 6pm ish to sun 5pm 3 weekends out of 4.

From memory when we was in court, CAFCASS suggest at least 120 contact days a year for a child to see the non-resident parent.

Thanks upsydaisy - no, there was nothing about contact in the court case (that was related to the fact that she's amoneygrabbingcow not working and he was paying out hand over fist).

I guess that's another battle to fight further down the line.

Good suggestion about the 120 days, I'll look into it.

I've tried to stay out of it whilst the court battle has been going on but I need to wise up and harden up for the future - I've got a lot of learning to do!

If he lives that far away now, CAFCASS should implement overnight stays at some point, the fact he has gone there every other weekend will be good for him and it wasnt him who moved away. They do look at cases on an individual basis, hence why we have 3 out of 4 weekends, but no matter what im sure it would be more than now, plus as she is 7years old CAFCASS will talk to her so if she wants to see her daddy more then they will listen to her (also dont worry if her mum tells her to say she doesnt want to stay over night - they have a good way of getting what the child wants out of them )

Thank you! that might make all the difference.

And yes, she'd say exactly that. So good to know.

Surely they should look at meeting halfway or something as well - his ex just refuses to do it...

Off to google CAFCASS

Not a problem, pleased I can help, Keep me posted and I hope it all works out for you x

GH
We had a similar problem.
ExW moved further away and when she moved it was agreed that she would drive a certain distance and DH would drive about 2/3rds of teh way and meet. She did the drive once and the next time he turned up at the motorway services to collect them she was not there.
He phoned her and she was still at home with no intention of driving the kids down.
She said he would have to drive up and collect them.
He refused (as he knew he would end up doing the 6 / 7 hour trip every time other wise) and he got onto the solicitor 1st thing on the Monday.
Sols wrote to her and her new partner offered to drive the kids down to the meeting point as she point blank refused.

So - you can take the legal route. I would. After years of bitter experience I now cynically do not believe she will be anything but totally unreasonable at every opportunity.

Not 'allowing' her father to keep her over at a weekend is just a way of punishing him.

Re first meeting - we started out with going to the park / Mac D's (don't hate me) and then gradually progressed to longer periods together. It was a good 6 months before I stayed over for the night - probably a bit longer. But if exw is loopy be prepared for her to spead bile and destruction about you.

Gosh I sound cynical and hard - I am not really but dealing with a controlling exw can wear you down.

WkdSM

So sorry to hear of your experience. Can I ask how often you see your SC's with that drive?

I totally agree with you that she will be totally unreasonable. Also that if she kicks off, the legal route is the only way. I'm not spending months faffing around trying to be nice.

And I don't hate you for going to Mac D's could murder one of their McChicken sandwiches right now.

She says that their DD gets too unsettled having to stay over somewhere. He tried to have her last year overnight and she loaded the car with loads of stuff from DD's bedroom - her duvet, her bedside light, the cushions from her bed, her favourite plate a cup etc - the car was practically full. Once he got DD in the car she was fine, and later that night ExW phoned and talked to DD and wound her up so much DD had a full on tantrum, ExW rang again to sobs and screams and insisted he return her. He took her home (I'm not saying I would do that). Since then she has refused to let him have his DD overnight.

Difficult to know how hardline to be...

He needs to get court-ordered contact set up as soon as possible. Otherwise he will be at the mercy of his ex. Of course his DD should stay with you!

Where does he currently stay when he sees her?

It would be much easier and more emotionally healthy if DD came to you and had her own room. It is the child's interests that should determine contact, not the emotions of the parents.

The phone contact shouldn't be over-regulated either. Fair enough, it needs to be on some sort of routine. But that shouldn't rule out the odd call at other times.

Hi

On your question of how to introduce yourself to the DD, DH organised a trip to London (where I lived) on one of his usual weekends for having the kids - huge adventure for them to go to London and try out the tube, the zoo, bendy buses etc... I met them off the train and we just acted as two friends and I chatted to the kids as normal kids. No pressure, no asking them to make any judgments about me, no suggestion that this was anything but a normal fun day out and I waved them off on the train at the end of it. The girls were 6 and 3. I think that sometimes kids just don't want to have to have an opinion and they will often accept situations without thinking about them. Just be yourself.

The access question's the hard one. Distance is a killer. When we got married last year I moved out of London so that we were nearer to the SDs, as otherwise we spent hours of every w/e on the road. It means a longer commute and stuff, but DH is a very committed father and wouldn't be the man I love if he didn't feel this way about his kids. We also agreed that when they (inevitably!) stop wanting to come round every other w/e in their late teens we'll take a good look at where else we might want to live, so it's not for ever. I know that moving nearer isn't possible for everyone, and it's not like I was moving 200 miles! So maybe decide what is actually do-able and valuable before you get advice and then start the conversation, with legal support if needs be. Is it a question of having her for (say) a week three times a year? That would give her time to settle in and re-establish her relationship with her father each time. The one thing I would completely ban is sending stuff from home to your house as 'comforts'. A teddy is one thing, but their own duvet? That's about his ex, not his kids. I clamped down fairly quickly on that kind of thing (having been easy going on everything else) and it stopped pretty soon.

Do bear in mind that there is no single 'resolution' to a situation involving three adults, distance and a child. Work out what works best for the four of you, make it enjoyable and as easy as possible for as many of you as possible and remember there are (at least) two perspectives on everything. And that half of it really doesn't matter! Just focus on the bits that do - his daughter's happiness, your sanity and his role as a father.

Sorry...this is really long, but hope that some of it helps. It's not for ever!

Thanks so much for the additional replies.

Oneof4, that's a good idea about a normal day out rather than setting it up as something else. And I will definitely put my foot down about her packing the car full of stuff, it's just ludicrous. Yes, it would be nice to have her to stay for 3 weeks a year, he and I need to sit down and talk about it properly, but I've certainly envisaged something like that, and you make a good point about allowing them to re-establish a relationship. ExW always says that her DD doesn't like staying over somewhere and thus makes it even harder for her - but to be honest, I think that's a ploy on her part. It would also be nice to take her on holiday - she's never been out of the country (apparently because he doesn't give her enough money - don't get me started!). I just think she would miss out on so much and be able to have different experiences with Daddy that would be really good for her.

Nomedoit, he doesn't stay anywhere. The deal is that he picks her up at 10am on a Sunday and drops her back at 4pm the same day. In the meantime he can't take her back to the house so they go to a cafe and read / curl up on a sofa if it's pouring down etc.

This has really helped, I thought it was odd but had kind of accepted it as I didn't have any experience of the situation. I can see I need to do a lot of thinking and my DP and I need to do a lot of talking. I am adamant that he is entitled to a relationship with his DD (he feels very pushed out) and will do all I can to enable that.

PS on the question of her having her own room, how vital is that? I live in a 2 bed house (no children of my own, yet) and would be very happy to redecorate the spare room, and put things in it for her as and when, but she'd still have to have the double bed etc - sorry if it sounds really picky but that would be ok, wouldn't it?

Hi,

Have been a stepmum for nearly 10 years and just thought I would warn you that it isn't an easy life. DH's ex moved 150miles away and for years he travelled EOW. Eventually he went to court and got a contact order whic involved the ex travelling a short distance. Courts view the child's right to see their parents, rather than the parents right to access. This is inscribed in law so that's why dads can get access.

A gentle warning however - if the ex is bitter (or worse a 'victim') your life will be difficult. Get yourself on to a Stepmums site and see the challenges that you can face. I was so naive for many years - just thought that the ex would be reasonable - why wouldn't she? I didn't want to take on the mum role and my DH was an excellent dad however it doesn't seem to work like that. My advice would be to ensure your DH is clear with his ex - get him to finalise contact via court and be prepared for potentially major stress. Good Luck

Hiya, I met my DH and when his ex-wfie found out she moved there daughter to NI within two weeks of finding out. His ex told many lies and was not at all interested in putting her daughters needs first and stopped contact etc. My DH had to fight through courts to get minimal contact....had to give up as no more money left and in debt. This meant however, that the first time I met DSD she was staying the weekend in our house. She had already been told about me (also been told a lot of lies by her mother!) and had also had an opportunity to speak to me on phone when my DH had gone over to NI. Anyway DSD arrived at midnight and I had waited up. Tried not to appear too nervous. DSD wanted to see her baby brother and we let her sneak in. I have made sure that we found out how she wanted her room etc and what things she likes to do. She has a double bed too and we have made that into a 'you've got a grown up bed' thing and it's been no problems what so ever Next day I left them alone for a few hours so they could spend some dad/daughter time. I got a phone call asking when we were coming back as DSD wanted to play with us LOL. It's not always bad and at the moment she doesn't harbour too many bad feelings although I am aware it won't last. Her mother is too much of a bitter cow and continues to tell her daughter a load of bollox to which the only thing I can tell his daughter is 'thats not true honey'. Apart from DSD's appalling behaviour at times, constant strops and rudeness far more than any other 7 year old I have met in my life, it's okay. I tell her off when it's too bad and have managed to get it into DH head (i think!) that just because he doesn't see her often doesn't mean she can behave so badly.....I often say 'would you let DS behave like that?' if his answer is no then he takes it on board. DSD spoke to me on phone and said she wants to come live with us so depsite me telling her off when she was rude to people she seems to have liked the boundries set for her. Anyway just be yourself and laugh lots, take an interest in what they do and then have very broad shoulders

Thanks for the additional responses - much for me to think about!

I'm been part of a stepfamily twice.

In the past - for nearly 7 years with two boys - it was a disaster which was, in my opinion, because of the appalling attitude of the ExWife and lack of support for my role from my partner at that time. I failed - but with the ex and partner cranking up the difficulty-factor I'm not surprised.

Now - I've been in a relationship with DP for 3 years and involved in DSC's lives for two. It's been bloody hard, but with a supportive partner and his ExWife being spectacularly reasonable about most things we're making it work for us.

As you may have guessed what I think makes a crucial difference is the attitude and support you get from DP/DH and the ex. It seems that you can get by even with a shitty ex, but without a supportive partner...I can't see how that is possible.

In terms of first meeting the kids - I've posted on here before that we waited almost exactly 12 months before I met them - when we were sure that our relationship was serious. With hindsight that was too long - I felt under masses of pressure and it actually caused us some problems that stayed with us for a while. We tried to make the first meeting low key, but it was so loaded that it felt like the worst kind of job interview. So - to echo what Oneof4 said - just hook up in a way that's comfortable and easy for you all - but I would really encourage you to speak up if what's being suggested isn't comfy for you - there'll be something that works for everyone even if it takes a few conversations to work out what it is!

Masses of good luck - have fun!