should i leave?

[tooyoungtobeastepmum]

I am really questioning what I should do and would appreciate some advice.

I have just moved in with my boyfriend, we were together for a year, he has a little girl we see every other weekend. His ex can be a bit of a nightmare, but all in all it's not too bad, but I just don't know if I can cope with all this.

I'm 34 i want my own children and I just seem to feel very resentful and very jealous of other people who have less complex situations. I just don't feel happy and wonder if i should just leave now before any more time passes.

He is a wonderful man and none of this is his fault, but i just can't help hating the situation.

You have my sympathy. I was 36 when I met my husband, and whilst his children aren't really a problem (and we only see one of them these days, on an alternate weekend basis) I confess life would be easier if they didn't exist.

I've spent many access weekends feeling trapped, resentful and unhappy - but I'm still here because I love my husband very much, even though I struggle with his 'baggage.'

Once you get to your 30s, most men of a similar age are likely to have some sort of relationship history, whhich often includes children. All too often, non-resident fathers have no idea how difficult access weekends can be for their new partners, and this seems to be the root of many problems. I ask my husband how he would feel if he had to spend alternate weekends with my mother (let's face it, the principle is the same), but he just doesn't get it.

But even if you were to leave your current partner, you could easily find yourself in a similar situation with your next guy, simply because it's a very common situation.

Wonderful men don't grow on trees and I'd give it a bit longer before you make any decisions.

Being a step parent is difficult and I believe always underestimated.

Just take a look at this board as some bad examples.

Bluntly, on the balance of probabilities, I think if you already feel the way you do, you are better of out of it before you end up in a complex situation with kids.

I'm not saying you are bad, or it is anyones fault, but I think unless you have a overwhelming reason, best to leave it.

Agree with wildfish - if you feel like this already it will only get worse. It is a very, very difficult situation for you and not fair if your boyfriend ends up having to choose between you and his daughter. Imagine how you will feel (if) you have your own children together - where will this leave his first daughter? Leave now.

But sometimes it does actually get easier - I handle things better now, than I did when I first lived with my husband. I'm pleased I stayed.

You have to weigh up things,
Your partner is a "wonderful" guy.
That's obviously a huge plus
but you need to think long and hard.
ie are you really prepared for the roller-coaster of being a step parent. Would you really want to step on that ride, no matter how stressful and able to be accept and ride out whatever happens.

Its a huge ask really.

Good Luck with whatever you decide x

My experience has been the same as Petal's - once the heady first year of crazy love & romance passed, and I finally met the kids (1 year into our relationship) the ride got really tough for a while. Things are easier now as I've learnt and adapted, and so has DP. There have been many many times when I've questioned jumping ship - but I'm glad I've hung on in there, both for my relationship with DP and also with the DSC - who have added a layer of lovely to my life alongside the difficult bits!

Things are better as the months go by - but I'm still not in a place that's 100% easy and natural - and that's 3yrs in. Elenor's also right - it's a rollercoaster and you've got to do what's right for you. x

Ooh - I wanted to add that now we're through the worst of the difficult stuff (fingers crossed) we're talking about whether to have a baby of our own - I'm 36 so a similar age to you.

We have not been in a stable enough place to objectively consider our options before - but now we're more settled it's time for us to sort out what we want to do. So - a child of your own may fit perfectly into your new family. Other threads have raised the issue of how adding a new child to a step-family helps and hinders - they may be of interest if you trawl through.

Thankyou ladies this is my first time on the site and really appreciate your support. I feel less alone. Will let you know what I decide. Xx

My instinct would be to leave - before the situation gets really messy with a child of your own to add to the confusion!
Of course it's your decision though and I wish you clarity of mind to make that choice.
Btw - may not be correct, but my feeling is that just possibly, in addition to all the outside influences that you can't control, the success or otherwise of living in a stepfamily may boil down to individual personalities ie. if you are the sensitive type, who likes their own space, maybe is more on the introverted rather than extroverted side, appreciates an ordered life with quietness and control over the living enviroment... stepfamily life may never be for you. Alternatively, if you are more outgoing, extrovert, enjoy the buzz of living with a bit of chaos in your life, confident enough to hold family meetings and deal with the ex-partner fairly but assertively etc etc. then maybe you have a better chance of success. And above all, it probably depends on how well your partner relates to you, communicates with you, and respects you...
A lot to think about!

I agree that a lot of the success (or otherwise) of a step family depends on the personalities of those involved. And also, whether the step child is with you on a full or part time basis. I wouldn?t choose to get involved with a man who had full time kids, it?s just personal choice, as it?s not how I want to live. But even though alternate weekend step parenting has been a real challenge at times, it?s not impossible.

If you read these boards, it?s often the father that causes more frustration than the step-child, simply because a non-resident father tries so hard to make his child?s visit as wonderful as possible, in a way that just doesn?t fit with normal domestic life. The term ?Disney Dad? refers !!!!

But every relationship has its flash-points. Even if you had a partner without children, he could have a very demanding mother, or you could have health/financial problems. It?s just the way life pans out!!

Yes that is a very good point about the personality types. You are right, I am a sensitive person who gets hurt easily, likes calm and doesn't cope well with unplanned surprises. So that could be a lot to do with it. Whether I can adapt around these factors is another question.

In our case it's not the father that causes the problems, he's actually very good about considering me and couldn't do more to help me. As I said to him last night, it's not his fault and it's not my fault, it just might be that I can't cope with this kind of life. Or if I make adjustments, maybe I can. I don't know yet. What I'm going to do for the next few weekends is plan more time for myself, see his daughter less, then maybe I'll feel less tired and resentful. Or maybe I won't...

The other thing that makes this all very painful at the minute is that my sister just had a baby yesterday and I feel unspeakably jealous. I just feel she has everything I want and i'm resentful that i'm in this very complex situation.

I will try to make changes and give it a while but if i still feel like this in a few months i'll have no choice. I'm just so tired and drained i can hardly think straight at the minute. Appreciate the comments and also appreciate the last comment that every relationship has its flashpoints. Would I just be swapping one flashpoint for another if I leave and try to find someone else?

Does anyone have any tips about how to be around other babies/pregancies when it's so painful for you?

Hi there,

I'm a 37 year old step mum to 4 who live with us a third of the time.

I've only lived with my partner for a few months and I have days where everything seems a breeze and days where I feel like walking running away.

They're good kids but I'm used to my own space and time. I have a son of my own but having 1 DC is very different to having 5 DC in the house, despite what my DP tries to tell me!

As far as I'm concerned, I'm in this for the long haul but I am also realistic and know that it might not work, but it won't be for the want of trying on my part, that I do know.

Hmm reading more about you tooyoung, I would say you need to think long and hard.
Ive been a step parent for 5 years now. I am a shy and sensitive too, Being a step mum has taken a serious toll on me. 3 1/2 years ago I had a breakdown at work, I was taken out of work in a wheelchair in a catatonic state, that was largely due to the stress caused by Dp's ex's antics at the time. I was pregnant when I collapsed, I thought I had lost the baby. Thankfully she was ok.
More recently DP's ex made malicious allegations against him causing police and social services to come crawling over our lives. DP could been arrested/undergone trail for a criminal offence. Our daughter had the threat of care proceeding looming over her. There has been 5+ family court hearings. I have been on sick leave for nearly 4 months due to stress/anxiety/depression. This will undoubtedly seriously affect my standing with my employer, I hope I will not loose my job.
Given you desperately want children of your own too, you need to seriously think do really want the hassle of being a step parent.

I think *Tryingnottoswear"'s post was very sensible, and struck a chord with me. I am the quieter, more orderly personality type and I definitely find the whole situation very difficult.

Unlike you though, I jumped niavely into the situation headfirst. Tbh, if I'd known then what I know now, I would have walked away

I kind of expected things to get better as time passed, but I still finding myself trying to find alternative things to do at weekends, or reasons why I need to be elsewhere when they're around. It's not that they're bad kids, but I just get a very uneasy feeling when they're due to come over, and as a private person I do feel the privacy invasion quite overwhelming still, 7 years on

Hi

I was 33 when I met DH, am 36 now. At first it was weird. Very weird. You're suddenly parachuted in to the 'mother' role with no experience or handbook, with what feels like half the world watching your every move and the DSC telling you every two minutes 'that's not how mummy does it'. Grrrrr!

Add to that the fact that half his salary goes to his ex-family, that you have so little flexibility over when to fit your own friends and family into weekends and those lovely little 5am wake up calls and you would wonder why anyone would chose to do it. I did it because after honestly thinking there was no one out there for me and I would therefore never have children, a divorced father of two who was stony broke after the settlement somehow made me fall in love with him. This really is worth it.

Part of me really did wish he didn't have kids, but he does and he wouldn't be the man I love if he hadn't been through all the agro, didn't love them like he does and didn't want to make them part of our life. But that's the key - they are part of our life, rather than me being a bolt-on to his half-life with the kids. And we all seem to rub along fairly well as a result.

Finally, does anyone truly have an uncomplicated situation? Just about everyone has something (awful parents / in laws / desperately hard up / struggling with illness etc...) to deal with.

But maybe he's just not worth it? In which case you'd be right to walk away now.

Best of luck!

Hi,

You're clearly very sensible to be thinking of this and something must be giving you concerns. I went into the situation of being a SM naively - why should we have problems, we're reasonable people,I get on with all children, I don't want to be mum to step child, I had my own large'ish income so can be independent. Years down the line I have realised that I would advise my single friends to avoid a step relationship if the ex is causing issues. It can be an awful situation - an ex deliberately trying to cause problems and nothing that you can do will make it go away.
In our case the ex is very mixed up (onto 3rd hubby) so naturally skids are suffering but we have to watch it from the sidelines and deal with the flare ups.It truly can impact your own health and well being if you care.
I would recommend, if you stay in the relationsship, that you don't give up independence or makes sacrifices as that can cause resentment later on.

I'm a stepmum to 2 and have 1 DD of my own. I struggled for the first few years and found it very weird to be 'parenting' and often resented the way my life had to change around the kids. I stuck in though, and have to say that a lot changed when I had my own DD.
I think it made me much kinder towards my SC, as they are nice kids who don't deserve anything other than a happy home life. My shift in attitude made me happier too.
Don't take on step-kids unless you think you can step up to the challenge of being selfless towards children you don't have the benefit of loving automatically.
Good luck!

Hi TOOYOUNG. Sounds like you have a lot going for you - your understanding partner is a huge plus in these situations. Many natural fathers have the attitude - my child comes first/we come as a package/like it or lump it etc etc. It seems from threads on here and my personal experience to be a main cause of problems - I christened my DH the 'lioness with his cub' years ago and its stuck whenever we have a row over DSS ! But it sounds like your DP wont join the huge pride of them we seem to have on Mumsnet already. Big plus no. 1

No. 2. You say 'his liitle girl' - so presumably she is a toddler ??. Well big plus no.2 is you have a blank canvas (or blankish). You are not being presented with a stroppy 5 or 6ft older child or teenager who resents you even existing - let alone with his/her precious Daddy ! It is not impossible for you to fall in love with her as one day you would your own child - she is a little girl - they are easy to fall for if you open your heart and forget she is another womans child - take her on her own merits.

No. 3. You want children - well to put it bluntly you know your DP can have children - and that he (seems from OP) is a good caring person and would make a lovely father to yours. Obviously this is no reason on its own to stay with someone - just a plus if you happen to love them aswell !

Finally I hope you dont mind me saying but sounds like your angst at the moment is more to do with longing for your own child which is understandably heightened by your sisters latest arrival. But wouldnt you feel just the same if your DP didnt have any children ? - your sister would still have just had a baby and you would still have these feelings you are struggling with .

I just think these feelings are all consuming you at the moment and its as if everywhere you look people have children and the closer to home they are - your sister and even the man you love has a child (with another woman to boot) - the harder it is.

Just to rub salt into the wounds you are expected to be happy about these other peoples babies and even love them - one is your neice and the other your stepdaughter. When you really just long to give love to one of your own - it is very difficult and unfortunately no one can guarantee you that one day you will definitely be a mum yourself. But then that would be true even if you left your partner - and as you say yourself who's to say a new partner would bring any guarantees - even a 'baggage free' one - of a happy ending.

The saying 'If you cant be with the one you love - love the one your with' springs to mind - I think you could get a lot of happiness and fulfilment from loving your new neice and your little stepdaughter for now and you will still have plenty left for the day when cross fingers your very own 'one you love' comes along. I hope you have a happy ending whatever you decide but it sounds like you both have lovely caring natures and therefore could make it work. For what its worth I would stay.

Good Luck

Lovely advice from sensible ladies here and I agree that it possible to get to a stage where you have a good bond with the step child BUT the ex may always cause major problems. This can be the hardest to deal with and it can impact your life with your partner. An example could be finances, contact time, holidays etc. You are wise to think it through

Yes good point Houseproject - a lot depends on how DP is with EXW also - if he can spot the 'games' and ignore them and stands up to her then you have a fighting chance. Dont think OP has really touched on how he is with EXW - just that she can be difficult but not too bad - could be relevant. Tooyoung ?

Ahh MJ thats lovely - Do you know I am having one of the most Aaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhiest days as a s/mum possible - I was seriously thinking of throwing in the towel this morning.

Exw on scene today visiting DSS - DSS gets up and goes out to meet dear absent Disney mother and thinks its ok to bring pots out of his room - two days worth - and put them on the side in my clean kitchen ( for me to wash presumably ??? !! ) and happily trots off to spend day with mother. I ring DH at work on discovery of said pots and tell him - aint gonna happen !!
DH tells me to f* off Suda - its a few pots - you re being pathetic - and anyway he says 'I told him to bring them out of his room !! ( his idea of disciplining - 'move your pots now' ).

I reply - move them - fucking move them - what and then have another two day rest and work up to washing them ??)

AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH...........

Well that was this morning and since then DH rang back and apologised and accepts its not reasonable to expect me to wash his 23 yr old DSs two days worth of pots - while he trots off to meet mummy dearest ( just to add salt to wounds ).

He said he thought it would be better if he at least brought them out of his room but now accepts that made matters worse because they are then in my domain ! - meaning I have to look at them all day - or wash them up - and neither is an option !!.

We are going to set ground rules tonight - I have told DH that we must whether he likes it or not.

But your last few lines put into words exactly why I couldnt go through with it this morning and never could leave my DH - its only my presence that limits the piss taking of his EXW and his DS - so I'm staying put - to annoy them and more to the point because I love him - so there !!

mjinhiding, that's so true - there are alot of good men who as a result of a marriage breakdown are not allowed to move forwards. Historically men had to walk away from the family if the marriage broke down, I don't agree with this but I understand how they can be driven to it. My DH has always wanted to be an active father but it would be easier and less painful for him if he gave the ex what she wanted - which is to walk away and let her various boyfriends play dad to their child.

Sorry TOOYOUNG - didnt mean to frighten you - being a s/mum does have days like this
But as long as you back each other up - singing from same hymn sheet ( to both SC and EXW )- then you'll be fine - oh and start as you mean to go on - which is a viable option with a very young SC - not so much with an adult one - unfortunately - so am sure you're situation wouldnt ever descend into above carnage like mine sometimes ! As I said before you have a blank[ish]sheet to work from - very different.

Suda,

I hear you!! The bad days can be bad. Others will say you will have issues with your on children - i.e not washing up pots etc but with step children as you're not the bio parent you can't discipline so frustration can grow and build.

Tooyoung, have we scared you off?? Not meaning too but I tink you're getting a fair view of the challenges.