Aaarrrrgggghhhhhhhh

[glitzy]

Why does something always have to happen to piss me right off! Not a week goes by with everything going smoothly!

What's happened?????

Glitzy.. are you me??? I seem to be the same..

Rant away

I know I shouldnt, but bloody "DSD" who is suppose to be going back to her DM's today has decided she doesnt want to, so is going to stay at ours! I was sooo looking forward to the peace, and now i wont get any! Want to stamp my feet in frustration and shout "it's not fair!!!"

Stamp away - this happens all the time in our house - it's virtually impossible to make any plans and just when I think I have a relaxing few days to look forward to it gets taken away from me. I know that sounds selfish but it's how I feel. And you're right - it's not fair!

I'd be inclined to tell her you've already made plans, and take her back to her mother's, whether she wants to go or not ...... or am I just being horrible??

It depends methinks on type of DH/DP you have.

If you have a fairminded 'me and your SM both sing from the same hymn sheet' type -then firstly and secondly frogmarch her back to her mothers and say sorry but you have made plans.

But if you have the defensive 'lioness with cub' type DH or DP - then firstly [empathy] and secondly wait till the house is empty or drive down a remote country lane, park up.. then SCREAM

How old btw ?

It can be frustrating but sorry I think you are being a bit harsh on DSD. Her house is one of her homes if she wishes to stay she should be welcome.

I would hate to be told constantly where I had to be and then not feeling welcome.

What plans did you have? are they unchangable?

Well I think her age is relevant aswell because I dont really think we (adults) should let 5year olds (for example)run our lives. Yes if they want to stay another hour - play one more game - and so on and so forth - then I dont think a big deal should be made of it - but on the main arrangements e.g. sleeping arrangements should not IMO be left to a young child to decide and change at the last minute - with a bit of notice then again it should be no big deal or in some emergency or extraordinary circumstance.

I agree with that Suda - I was thinking of an older child,

DSS used to definately play games (as all kids do). And it also makes them more insecure as it means they have bpundraies they can keep pushing.

But if older, or if other things going on then they should be made to feel welcome.

Sometimes though, access days/weekends etc can impose quite tough restrictions on your day-to-day life, especially if your partner practices "lioness with cub" parenting (great description Suda!), quite often real life grinds to a halt when the step children arrive and you need them to go back to their mother's as planned, so you can do your normal stuff, like get the car serviced, visit your parents, take dog to vet etc etc.

Flying - I get what you're saying and I would never make my DSC feel unwelcome but the fact is that when they're here I'm virtually invisible and feel like a housekeeper. I need my time with my DH or our relationship will suffer and that would be completely against the kids best interests. I don't think you can let the kids decide things like this anyway - it gives them too much control. My DH ex says the kids should be able to choose and then you get a situation where one wans to come and the other doesn't, then the one who doesn't want to come starts crying and saying she doesn't know what to do. It's unsettling for them if you don't have firm rules about this because they are then put in a position of having to choose between parents on a weekly basis.

Yes FLYING and PETAL I agree that with older ones we should be more flexible - to avoid hurt feelings - but even with them I dont think it does any harm now and again to realise you have a life too. I once said to DH - as my adult SS lives with us 24/7 - during one of many rows about his selfishness/our lack of privacy and DH lioness defensiveness whenever I say anything - you know the usual shit stuff - that there needs to be a 'you and me' aswell as a 'you, me and DSS'.

For example I like to know DSS's work rota - he only works part-time and its only time we get few hours to ourselves - providing we are not at work too. I once asked DSS if he was working lates on a certain night ( I had planned a nice night in - cook DHs favourite meal, candles etc ) - and he said he was - so on that morning he announces he's swapped shifts (Grrrr) - as he was 21 (ffs!) I thought sod it he's old enough to understand so I just told him had surprise meal planned for his dad and was there any chance he could go out for evening (very matter of factly and diplomatically to not embarrass/hurt feelings).

So out he went and there we were - bliss - wine - empty house - nice meal - candles etc
etc - DH dressed up in red basque but thats another thread - but you get the picture - when in walks his nibs ! ? ( DH wasnt really in basque - made that bit up btw. )

He'd been out about an hour - if that - I was livid - DH just laughed it off - saw the ironic side - that made me more livid - so later on our romantic scene turned into fight scene - huge row. Just saw it from completely different angles. DH was furious Id made his lickle lion cub DS ' feel unwelcome coming back into his own home - as - he must have noticed my strop ' - to which I replied ( it was one of my finer moments ladies - takes a bow in anticipation of applause ) - " NOTICED ?? NOTICED ??? WHAT LIKE HE NOTICED THE FUCKIN CANDLES/THE FUCKING DIM LIGHTS?THE FUCKING BOTTLE OF WINE AND TWO FUCKING GLASSES - LIKE HELLO ????!! - FUCK OFF DH ( ooh I was vexed )

But all I could see was that he'd been directly told our plans and asked nicely to make himself scarce and even if he'd forgotten or not realised the importance to us - he surely could have read the signs at his age when he came back and disappeared upstairs/out again or whatever ( he actually came and sat down at table with us ! )

Sad thing is and this is the sticking point IMO in these situations - is I could see DH's viewpoint ( when Id calmed down ! ) - all DSSs 'crime' had been was to come back into his own home and I wouldnt like it if I couldnt come back home till a certain time I suppose. And DH ( when he'd calmed down! ) - could understand my viewpoint - that his adult DS lives with us 24/7 and all I wanted was ONE night in to ourselves. But I dont think natural parents ever fully appreciate how intrusive their DC's presence can feel sometimes to SMs/SDs.

To quote the OP AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH

"I don't think natural parents ever fully appreciate how intrusive their child's presence can feel to SMs"

And that's exactly the point. Which is why I feel the OP should stick to her guns and take the child back to her mother's as planned. Otherwise the OP's life is essentially being arranged to suit her stepchild. As another poster pointed out, it gives the child too much control. Of course I realise how important the child is to the natural parent, but the lives of adults should surely not be dictated by children?

thanks for all your replies and some sympathy...its good to have people out there who do understand it exactly as it is.

For those that asked, DSD is nearly 18, so practically an adult. I do read about how you should always make a child feel welcome in both homes etc, but FlyingInTheCLouds - when i do my best to make her feel welcome, and to a clean and tidy environment, with her basically being able to do as she pleases, come and go as she likes etc, but i get treated like dirt, and shown no respect, then im sorry but I really am not bothered if she feels welcome or not. To be honest it is tempting to just tell her that while she behaves like the spoilt nasty person that she is, she really isnt welcome in the home. Would anyone want welcome her into their home?

Regarding last night, my DH's usual "lioness with cub" approach changed to being on my side for once, he told her we had plans, and took her home. Apparently the only reason she didnt want to go to her DMs was she couldnt be bothered! Its not like he was even asking her to walk, he offered her a lift!!

And hey, if she is allowed to be selfish...why cant I, do I always have to be the adult?

Who of you are helping to raise DSC without having any kids of your own?

Sorry for the essay..just really had enough of it all right now.

Suda...had a similar dinner situation to you with the DSK... It was in the early days, and i flipped when the kids came in! Boy did I get in trouble!

Sometimes I think there should be some kind of "wifeswap" for people in our situation. Helping with the raising of kids that arnt "ours". Our DH can go stay somewhere else for two weeks, raising someone elses kids as their own, just so they can see it from our perpectives. Might help them understand a bit more.

glitzy - i think the wifeswap idea is great! I am raising DSC who are 9 & 7 but have 4 adult DC of my own. I think both situations are hard - the thing I struggle with is the difference between the way I brought up my DC and they way my DSC are being brought up. I am definately much more strict than my DH and find it hard when his DC behave the way they do sometimes. Also they expect (and have!) a lot more "stuff" and also activities paid for than my DC had, as my Ex and I were stoney broke when we were raising ours. I worry that my kids will see what i'm helping to provide for DH kids and think they've missed out. (I don't think they do think that it just bothers me). I can't imagine though doing this with no experience of your own kids - it seems almost unreasonable for anyone to be expected to do it to be honest! have you read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin? It's really helped me as it is all about how things are from the step-mums point of view - instead of the normal approach of "you must see everything from the poor DSC point of view".

That would be amusing fly on the wall stuff GLITZY - but there is another side to it - I really dont think men notice invasion of privacy and stuff as much as women do. When my own DS (and OP I do have children of my own - and must admit it helps sometimes as you can put your natural parent head on to assess whether YABU) came to stay for a week with my two DGDs - they shared our bathroom ( and sorry just to go off on another tangent - I wont let DSS use our bathroom under any circumstances even tho he has no bath - cos his en-suite is minging and I wont budge while thats his bathroom standard IYSWIM !! ) - so when they'd all gone I said to DH - as it was hard work at times - 'bet your glad got the bathroom back to ourselves ' - and he just said 'Nah - wasnt that bad - didnt bother me really'.

So I wished I'd never asked really cos I think it just 'confirmed' me being an awkward cow re our bathroom IYSWIM. But my DS is very different to my DSS anyway - he always leaves bathroom clean after himself and helps/teaches the DGD's to clean up after theirselves [proud mum emoticon].

sorry Glitzy - of course you are the OP

duh.

It's funny that you mention bathrooms - if my SS uses the bathroom, you can guarantee that he won't flush the loo, or pull the plug out when he finishes in the bath, and he just drops his bath towels on the floor. When I was his age (16) my mum would NEVER have let me get away that ("come and sort this mess out, young lady!") - and yet if I point out SS's mess to husband, he just clears it up quick, and tells me not to say anything to SS, just in case I upset him .....

Anyway Ladies lovely to chat to you - I really find it helps so much and keeps your sense of humour intact cos we do have a laugh along the way dont we ? .

Good luck Glitzy - at least you had a breakthrough with the 'lioness' retracting his claws for once. I just think we have to be fair but stand up for our own rights and rights as a couple also.

Got to go shopping for parents now .

Thanks glass, will look out for that book.

I guess I base everything on how I was brought up and what I could get away with (My DM was stricter too). But, without the "patience and understanding" you get with having your own kids, i probably dont have the best parenting skills, but, boy have I tried my hardest.

Im sure your own kids dont think that they have missed out Glass... well, probably no more than my generation thinks we missed out by not having all the toys the kids have nowadays - no ps/ds/xbox/mobile phones in my day, we had to entertain ourselves with book, boardgames and the likes lol.

Suda, I just dont think men notice mess like women do at all, but lucky you having an en-suite, I want one, then the kids can have their own that i will never have to venture into!

Sorry Petal - crossed posts - Grrrrrrrrrrr is all I can say to your last one. I would just cut out middle man and head him off myself on landing.

Hello - just thought I would add my words of support to the general ARRRRGGGGG-NESS of step parenting! Been experiencing a number of these moments myself in the last few weeks (DSD being obnoxious, DH only half arsed-ly dealing with it etc etc)

Trying hard to be the "adult" and accept DSD only 10 blah blah, must be awful being split between homes ad nauseum, but honestly, sometimes - GRRRRRRRRRR!!!

That's it for now! Will have more tales to tell no doubt after this weekend.....