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Older step children

3 replies

charlie02 · 13/09/2010 20:32

I moved in with my partner 2 years ago, he has his 2 daughters living with him then aged 15 and 19. I have a son who at the time was 6. My partner is now 47 and I am 33. At first it was a novelty for all of us but on the whole we all got on. Colin was charlie's judo coach so he knew him quite well and although it was hard work he and charlie get on really well. I took the girls on as my own, treated them as young adults. I took them out to concerts, to friends houses, had girlie nights and generally made them the centre of attention along with my son. They brought me mothers day cards and presents not prompted by my partner. All was good or so we thought. I had swine flu last june along with my son. It attacked my nervous system and by september I was in bed most of the time, unable to do the housework, drive, or work. By December I was having chemo. Things became difficult because we were asking the girls to do more and more around the house. I had an argument with the two girls after a week of no sleep, because they just kept letting me and their dad down by not clearing up after themselves. They both moved out and said they would not come home unless I left. My partner would not choose and a month later they came home. We set down some rules about respect us and our relationship. I again worked really hard to build my relationship with them and by June this year I came off the chemo so that I could return to work as we have been struggling with the mortgage etc. I began giving the youngest step daughter driving lessons and I thought I was getting somewhere. However as soon as I say no to something they stop talking to me and do things to upset me on purpose. I finally snapped a couple of weeks ago and had another argument with the one I was taking for driving lessons - she blew her top - I lost it and my partner asked me to leave! A week later he asks me to come back but tells me that the girls are not happy about me coming home. We love each other and the children but it pulling us apart - all seemed ok whilst I was paying half te mortgage and things were rosy financially but now that we have asked them to pay some lodge money they say they are moving out because of me. I desperately need advice, I feel that I can not do anymore for them as they just throw it back in my face - my partner understands but I can see it hurts him. If my son does to my partner what his daughters have done to me then he would be chucked out! However hopefully I have brought him up better than that.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Petal02 · 13/09/2010 21:11

Charlie - that sounds awful. Firstly, I really hope your health is improving, and secondly, I think your partner is letting you down very badly here. And if the daughters are moving out because you're asking for lodge money, then that can only be a good thing. Most adult children have to pay lodge, its part of life.

mjinhiding · 13/09/2010 21:21

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Suda · 14/09/2010 12:27

My heart absolutely bleeds for you - that is awful. You read about this situation over and over on here and it always seems to be men or at least more so - who are the problem. I just think they are 'played' mercilessly by their DC and just dont see it.

I always say my adult SS can play a bloody tune on DH.

Not much help I know but just that its not you - as others have said the problem is DP mainly and DDs are to be fair partly to blame as well. They are both at an age to know about fair play - and you have been more than fair to them.

Only suggestion I can make is to go out for meal or something just you and DP - next time he asks you to come back /try again - just say you want to but will not consider unless you can have a proper talk first. Then both have your turn at saying how you both feel and then try and come to some sort of 'terms' that youre both happy with.

Sorry to say if he doesnt even think youre worth having one frank discussion with to save your relationship then you are always going to be second fiddle to his DDs and you need to reconsider your position. You only have to read threads on here to know these problems just run and run for years if not tackled and get worse if anything.

Very best of luck to you.

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