Feeling resentful

[MsPitstop]

Hello girls, I hope you can offer some advice here as I am feeling really bad about my reaction to my SD. She has just turned 4 and is pretty full on (I suppose most 4 year olds are!). She is basically lovely and is really generally good around me but does demand pretty constant attention and as all her friends are children of her Mum's friends (who doesn't speak to me) we don't have any dilution if you see what I mean!

I have a 5 month old baby who, now I am back at work, I see for about 2 hours a day total (if I'm lucky) and Sats and Suns but we have SD on Suns so I hardly get to spend time with the baby (probably being a bit unfair here). Anyway I am finding myself becoming increasingly resentful of her being with us and I don't know what to do.

It isn't fair, she is just a little girl and I feel mean. Any advice?

Hi MsPitstop,
I can relate to your situation and please don't feel bad, everyone is different and you are entitled to your feelings, it is a challenging situation.
I am also feeling bad as I feel 'glad to see you but glad to see you go' about my SD. She is nearly 10 and is very demanding, she doesn't have any friends where we live and doesn't want to do anything except follow us around and seeks a lot of attention by claiming she has earache, headache, sore throats etc. etc.
We are trying to make some friends for her or get her engaged in some activities when she is here. I also have a baby (8 months) and I relish the time for the three of us as DH works very late during the week and I will soon be back at work.

I noticed a post on here which said that you shouldn't let your SC dominate your life and I know that personally I overthink these things and by the time she is here I'm already dreading the weekend which doesn't give her much of a chance. Try not to think about it too much when she is not with you and enjoy your time with the baby and DH, remember you are baby's Mum and that is the priority for you - that is what I keep telling myself.
I also feel mean but I know that I do care for my SD, I think people find their own kids hard work at times so it is totally understandable when it is harder without that biological bond. My only advice is to try to take each day as it comes and if you need some time to yourself to take baby for a walk or do some quiet playing just go and do it, everyone needs their own space sometimes.
I'm not sure if this helps but I wanted to give you my thoughts and tell you that you are doing a wonderful job of something which is very difficult and challenging. Your baby is very young and you have gone back to work very early so you are entitled to your time to relax, try not to worry xx

I don't have any answers for you just wanted to say that I understand your feelings of resentment.

Apparently the passing of time helps and I think onionlove's advice of not over-thinking the situation is also very wise.

Another gem from here is, lord give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change

Try not to beat yourself up about your feelings, as I think they are quite normal

Thanks, its nice to know I'm not the only one who finds it tricky sometimes. I totally understand the winding yourself up before they get there thing - I know I'm doing it and really have to talk myself down.

I am also going to try and get some of her friends to visit us at home which will also make her two lives seem a bit more connected - although not sure what her Mum is going to say about that...

Thanks again, good to know I am not evil personified!

i had the same thing with dss when dh ans had our secind child (with the first ihad no problems at all funny huh?) i have to say i put alot down to hourmones and increased maternal instinct i.e looking out for your being over protective pushing out feelinf resentfull of children not your own, do you see what i mean? ds is now two and i love my dss more than ever everything is settled and and i can apprieciate them all for there diffrences and what they give to me and what i do in return. I realise iv given no hard and fast answers but i hope you can see and perhaps relate to what im saying. good luck being stepmum is never easy but like i was explaining to dh the other night in some ways its soooo much more rewarding because the love and affection you from dsc is never 'expected' so when you recieve it it doesnt go unoticed a simple hug can make you stand back and think- wow they didnt need to do that- thay did because they wanted to anyway im babbling now

I understand and dont feel guilty its normal I think, you have a young baby who you have to leave behind every day and long for the weekends for special quality time as a family and 50% of that is also with your sd, I had the same thing when my dd was born until she was 3 and then we moved away. I was more and more resentful and ss seemed more and more demanding and my dd was being affected by both the atmoshphere and his behaviour. I think it is a real problem espeically when the relationship between you and the ex is poor which it is with most of us lets face it, Its all part of being a step parent Im afraid

'Stop trying to fight the situation, and go with the flow' is the best advice I can offer you - along with something I posted on another thread 'lord give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change' !!!!

I still have my moments, but on the whole I now realise that getting uptight about SS is as much use as getting uptight about the weather. And having forums like this to post on, is an absolute lifesaver, it makes me realise that I'm not the only woman on the planet who finds step-parenting tough.

"..not sure what her mum is going to say about that" - I used to worry myself silly about what the ex would think about everything the DSC reported back to her, then I realised there are years of this to get through and doesn't mean a thing!

If your DSD would like to have her friends round, then invite them. If she doesn't then don't force her, but don't be surprised if she initially says she doesn't want them round then changes her mind a few weeks later when she's got used to the idea.