DD still doesn't like DP

[MouseyHousey]

I have DD1 (nearly 4) from a previous relationship.
I have been with DP for a year and a half and we have DD2 who is 3months. I introduced DP to DD1 after we'd been together about 3 months and I knew he was the one.
They never got really close but recently its becoming more and more apparent that DD1 doesn't like DP.
Example; Me: "say goodnight to everyone"
DD1: "im not going to say goodnight to DP"
Its the same with everything.
Has anyone had experience of this? I don't know what to do.. Any ideas??

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to say goodnight (for example) to him?
What is he like with her?
Ime such young children rarely take against someone who genuinely likes them and enjoys their company. They're pretty good at sussing out who's pretending though.

I am not playing down your problem at all and it definitely does need dealing with - but I have found with my DSGKids and my bio ones for that matter - that at that age they can be so fickle - on a daily (sometimes an hourly basis !) - with who is in favour at the moment IYSWIM. E.g. - my SGD - age 5 - is going through a clinging to mummy phase at moment ( she had a real daddys girl phase a few months ago ). Also sometimes when she visits us she will be all over her GD( my DH ) and only he is good enough to put her to bed - take her to the shop - or she will only hold his hand etc etc. Other times I will be in favour IYSWIM. Also children learn at a very early age to play adults off against each other - if ones stricter for example - to their advantage.

Thanks for your responses.
Falling - When I ask her why she doesnt like to say goodnight to him etc she has told me she doesnt like him. I asked her "Why don't you like DP, because he loves you and buys nice things for you?" She has given me a couple of different responses: (a few examples)
"I just dont Mummy" (sounding very exasperated)
"Sometimes I do love DP but just a little bit coz I love you" (this started after a conversation where I asked her to please be nice to DP because I love him and her very much and I want us all to be happy)
"Coz hes not my Daddy" (she still sees her dad every weekend and neither of us have tried to suggest that DP should replace him)

Suda - I definitely find that does happen with her that she has 'favourite' people day to day. Just seems its not balanced with DP.. She doesn't like him 95% of the time. Also DP doesn't feel its his place to discipline her so in our house I'm always the bad cop with her.

Sorry this post has been so long.. I just cant seem to figure out how to get them to have a good relationship and it really upsets me. Thank you so much for your replies though!

Instead of asking her why she doesn't like him, ask what he could do that would make her like him more. That way the attention is shifted from her negative feelings to positive things that may move their relationship forward.

I have no advice I just wanted to say what a great partner you are that you notice and care enough to ask for help as most posts on here are from the step parent that is dealing with a child who does not like them.

Just another idea - I dont know whether this will work but is worth a try I suppose.

When my aforementioned DGD used to go through a 'only DH will do' phase I used to get really upset about it (as been in her life since two yrs old so love her like my bio GKs) I would hammer away at my DH - ask her why she doesnt like me anymore etc - or I would go into overdrive with her - what have I done to upset you - or really be over the top attentive to her. But I found in the end that instead of beating myself up about it and trying too hard - that if I just ignored it and let her come back to me IYSWIM then she would normally go back to normal.

Another thing that I picked up from your post and which is similiar to my situation was that your daughter has a very strong bond with you and sounds like with her Dad aswell. My DGD and her GD (my DH) already had a fantastic bond when I met them - and still have - so as a two year old she wasnt interested in me - she only had eyes for DGD. So I found similiar then - that the more I tried to push myself into her affections into their little click if you will - the more she blanked me. As soon as I took a step back and sounds awful but started ignoring her unless she spoke to me - stopped trying in other words really - then she gradually more and more came to me. I was obviously really nice to her when she did approach me on the odd time that she did.

Now I dont know really how your DH reacts when your DD is like this - whether he tries even harder with her or just leaves it be but if its the former maybe would be worth just ignoring it and you maybe not mentioning it to her - as if you havent noticed - then she might just make up her own mind and realise for herself that he's not such a bad egg really and she will go to him IYSWIM.

I think children also get very confused about loyalty - as in they almost think that they are being disloyal to the people they love most if they love someone else ?? Just picked up on you saying she said well he's not my dad and that she loved you very much as reasons why didnt love your DH as much ??
Might feel she is being disloyal to either her real dad or to you somehow.

Hope no Pedants are watching !! ("normally back to normal" ).

Thanks again for your responses. AlmostSM That message was so sweet :)

Suda Your replies are great I really love how you use your personal experiences to explain.. definitely is easier to take advice from someone who has been in similar situation. I definitely think you are spot on with a couple of things. DP probably does try to hard, he does spoil her a little and lets her do what she wants around the house in an effort for her to get to like him. Also I do feel like sometimes she may feel she's being disloyal to her Dad as it does come up when we talk. TBH I don't know if her Dad has said anything to her and I'm not sure how make her feel she's not being disloyal to him. She's a major Daddy's girl too. As far as making her not feel disloyal I have tried explaining to her that she's lucky to have 2 homes because it means she has twice as many toys/clothes etc. Then added on the end that she's lucky as well as she has lots and lots of people that love her too.. including Mummy/Daddy/DP/little sister. Her reply to that was "But sometimes I don't love DP"
Any ideas how I can make her see that you can love Mummy and Daddy and other people too? Thanks for all your help so far.

Yes and remember children do need boundries. They actually want and need to feel their boundries. Most adults they have met, at nursery and school will enforce some gentle discipline.

Is there any chance she feels he is different, he is being too soft and unlike a parent?
Most probably though,no one is doing anything wrong that they could do better, they will find something to bond over in time, and their relationship will grow gradually.

(Maybe they can plan your birthday surprise together - win - win. )

Mousey - here's a good one - my DH absolutely loves this one -he said it was the sweetest thing he ever heard - ahhhh.
My aforementioned little SGD was playing with me in our spareroom/unofficial playroom where she keeps all her dolls/toys etc. Her GD (my DH ) was unbeknown to me in the next room across the hall. I was tring to explain to her - as per your last post - that its ok to love me and GD or Mummy and Daddy and that she didnt have to choose.
She was playing with her doll at the time which has a 'magic' bottle I said to her that love works like your dolls bottle - it doesnt matter how much love you give to Mummy, Daddy. SMummy, GD, me etc etc. - your heart will always fill up again and can never run out of love. To which she said after careful thought - "but do you have to turn upside down for it to fill up again - like a handstand" - I managed to say - despite the lump in my throat (DH had apparently already gone in tatters in the next room!!) "No darling you dont even have to do that"