DSD doesn't want to visit

[onionlove]

Hello I posted previously about me finding the weekends and holidays with my DSD too intense and especially now I have a new baby wanting to focus on him. During the holiday last week I went out and did my own thing a few times and they did theirs and I felt more relaxed.

However, yesterday DH received an email from his ex saying that DSD didn't want to visit us anymore as she felt that I ignored her and didn't give her time with DS and she didn't feel welcome. DH is going to try to get her to come this weekend to talk about it and sort it all out.

I am struggling because I need some time to myself and I just feel that unless everything revolves around her she won't be happy. Over the last few months I have found myself becoming more irritated by attention seeking behaviour and given less attention which has made the situation spiral. What annoys me is that neither her mother or father has talked to her about the new baby and how things would change and how I would be busier than before etc and the result is that I am the bad person.

The situation is making me feel so depressed, I just feel that we don't get any time together as a family and when DSD is here it is like disneyland and nothing gets done so I am very protective of DS routine and normal activities and won't let that be compromised so I do end up doing my own thing as I feel really claustrophobic. It is a vicious circle because I have backed away as I could see she was withdrawn and unhappy so she gets more time with her Dad but he seems unwilling to parent her and just wants to be friends and tread on eggshells when she is around.

I don't know, I'm probably not explaining it very well, I do need my space and I'm not the sort of step parent who can be a weekend Mum but I feel unless I am it will create problems for DH.

Any advice help?

xx

Hard to tell what is going on here - whether you are being unkind to your step-dd or whether she is being unreasonable (but children are...).

But important to remember the arrival of a new baby can be threatening for any older sibling, and is even more complicated in a step-family, so you need to be extra kind to your step-dd.

How old is step-dd and how old is ds? Does step-dd not enjoy having time on her own with her Dad?

step d is 10 and ds is 8 months
she used to before ds came along she wasnt bothered if i was here or not

Hi Onionlove - Tooting Bec here again!

I think I understand what you are trying to explain! My experience of a similar aged SD is that her saying she doesn't want to come to see you anymore is likely to be all bluff and nothing to do with you at all. She is prob feeling threatened by the new baby, worried that her Dad will love the baby more because he gets to see the baby more etc etc. It will all pass!

If you are happy with doing your own thing (which it sounds like you are) then give your SD time with her Dad, just the two of them - she can then be reassured that he still loves and cares about her. Then maybe arrange to do some stuff with her alone so that she realises that you are interested in her too. This can be difficult (I know when I am feeling irritated by my SD the last thing I want to do is spend time with her!) but it always seems to improve things - this doesn't have to be anything major like a day out - just watching a TV programme she likes with her (X Factor good for 10 year old girls!) can help a bit of bonding.

But, at the same time, you need to talk to your DH about this and your SD is definitely old enough to sit down all together and have a bit of a chat about stuff. The amount of times I have heard my SD say how "mean" I am - until my DH reminds her of all the nice things I do for her and she gets all sheepish.....

It is very hard and clearly I don't know your family or the dynamics. However, I have been through something similar with my own SD and had similar feelings to you (just this weekend I thought I would burst with the feeling of claustophobia in my own home too!) so what you are describing sounds familiar, so please try not to get too upset about it. Like I said, it is so much more likely to be about your SD and her relationship with her Dad than anything you have actually done (unless you have actually done something like shut her in a cupboard or something evil stepmother like!!)

Chin up and remember that you are not mad - it is a difficult role to take on and you can only do your best.

Hi Tooting, coming to my rescue again thank you!
I think a lot of this stems from the fact that no one seems to have prepared DSD for the new arrival and her mother would relish in the fact that trouble is being caused because it allows her to say 'I told you so' to DH! I don't think DH provides her with much reassurance, he finds it difficult to deal with the serious stuff and hates having 'chats' so tends to ignore things and hope they will go away.
Its a good idea to spend time, I think when I have put DS to bed i could watch some TV with her rather than catching up on chores which it is too tempting to do.
In a way I would prefer if DSD moaned about me to DH or myself then we could fix it, she told us she had an 'awesome time' on holiday but obviously not, that worries me for the future, the lack of communication.
It is difficult and we do have some challenging dynamics but I think that things have spiraled out of control when they should/could have been nipped in the bud a long time ago.
Thanks again so much for your support, its nice to know I'm not the only one who faces these issues and finds them difficult. Thanks for helping me out x