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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Need to stop feeling like this

33 replies

Glitzy · 31/08/2010 15:37

I really don?t like spending any time with my d?sd as she is a very unpleasant girl, and I just cant deal with her anymore. She will 18 in a few months. (DH and I have been together for over 6 years) We (DH and I) have 50/50 shared custody with her mum. Whenever she is at ours, within minutes there is shouting and arguments, with my DH often choosing to defend her/stand by her. I have tried so hard over the years to be nice and try to get on, but still gets me nowhere, and now ive got to the point where I just can?t be bothered anymore.

Some of the issues are probably started from different rules at the two houses, which we understand must be difficult (I am a much tidier and have more rules than her mum, and wont tolerate being spoken down to)

We have said she is old enough to live wherever she wants, so she can stay at ours full time or her mums, without any issues, to try make it easier on her, but she still continues to live in both.

Anyone else out there like me? How do you get past it?

OP posts:
WkdSM · 31/08/2010 15:45

Glitzy - you might get flamed a few times for this but please bear in mind that most of the step parents who have been thruogh this will be supportive.
I'm afraid we had the same issue with my SS in that he was impossible to live with and I'm afraid we ended up giving him the choice of either going to boarding school or living back with his mother - he choose school and after 2 years moved back with his mum. Not very helpful I know but just to let you know you are not alone!

One thing we (DH and I) found absoloutely essential was to agree to the rules in advance and BOTH stick to them. DH was very supportive and always backed me up. You really need to show a united front - even if it means you having to constantly say to DP - so and so has happened - can you deal with it please. If he has to clear up her messes etc it will soon hit home. I think one of the things we as women tend to do is try and deal with it all (physical and emotional discord and messes) to protect DP - make them face up to it.

When she hits 18 you don't have to provide a home for her - maybe all of you should sit down with her (if you have an OK relationship with her mum) and ask her what she intends to do and try to nudge her towards maturity / independence.

Original poster
Glitzy · 31/08/2010 16:13

Thanks for replying WkdSM... and I imagine I will get flamed... but...its how I feel after trying for 6 odd years, and I cant help that.

Mmmm boarding school, lovely thought, but as she has finished school and isnt going to college, not much chance of that happening. Kinda hoped as she got older, she would want to stay with her mum more, but it seems her mum cant take her for long periods of time either.

Have explained to DH about the united front, and he agrees to it, but then, when his DD is actually there, is harder for him to stick to it. Plus, im normally too angry at whatever she has done and just loose it, as apposed to going to my DH to explain the problem. He prefers the "anything for an easy life" line, and just lets most things go.

Even when she is 18 thought, cant see us just throwing her onto the streets, and dont have a great realationship with her mum either.

The asking her what she wants to do - no good really as she is unemployed and has nowhere to go, not alot of options for her to do (she is looking for work atm)

OP posts:
Suda · 31/08/2010 16:46

What is it about these fathers - often tell mine he is like a lioness with his cub - when he leaps into defensive mode. You are absolutely right - some of them just want an easy life and they know you will probably calm down or give up on the issue before a stroppy teenager will as they can often carry a strop to extreme lengths. DH's usually dont want to be seen to be taking sides with SM's as it seems like theyre going against their kids - whom they had a relationship with long before you came on the scene IYSWIM. Its misguided loyalty and they want a quiet life

Original poster
Glitzy · 31/08/2010 16:48

Thats just it...but my dh doesnt get a quiet life...instead he gets me ranting at him while his DD storms off

OP posts:
Suda · 31/08/2010 22:11

exactly - so they just dont get it do they ! If they could take the defensive specs off for a while things would be better !

Original poster
Glitzy · 01/09/2010 09:38

How many SK you got Suda?

OP posts:
Suda · 01/09/2010 17:08

Just one 'straggler' 24yrs old Glitz unfortunately - we have four grown up kids between us - 2 each and all others left home got their own houses/lives etc. DH 's exW buggered off when said straggler was 15 - now lives too far away for any chance of DSS going living with her or even staying. When she comes back visiting I always have to bite my tongue so hard to not say - 'Going back now are you - havent you forgotten something ?? Grrrr..Angry

Original poster
Glitzy · 02/09/2010 10:25

24?? im soooo hoping by 24 she is not still causing me stress!! Dont they leave home by then??

OP posts:
Suda · 02/09/2010 10:53

Yes normally - but with his pandering father - whos stock answer is - he would never throw out one of his kids ! - he would have to be stupid to leave home IYSWIM. I keep telling DH this but he just takes any suggestion that perhaps I (and him for that matter) have been 'dumped' on long enough as a personal attack on his son - even though I put it a lot more diplomatically than that obviously (except when having a row !!). I also try and make him see that he is not allowing his DS to grow as a person and be an independent self sufficient adult blah blah blahdy blah... !! so not doing him any favours etc etc. He cant (my DH) see difference between helping him to fly out the nest and fend for himself - i.e. - support him to get his own place/set up home etc etc - and I dont think its beyond the bounds of reasonableness to ask his EXW to help (she lives in a luxury apartment with just her partner - nice Angry) - she is still after all his mother - but she's not interested in any of the other issues/finances of her DS so she wouldnt help I imagine. (not that DH has ever asked her about helping with this issue !) - she is - and I quote DH - "the most selfish person he has ever met" - so no hope there then as she's alright and not affected !! My DH seems to think that helping them to move out is the same or as bad as throwing them out to sleep in a shop doorway - Grrrrr..

Original poster
glitzy · 02/09/2010 12:32

OMG your story is scaring me! This is never going to end for either of us is it? And I have 2 of them!!

OP posts:
Suda · 02/09/2010 15:51

I think girls probably on balance are slightly more keen to get their own place - be grown up etc etc. Lads sometimes seem to take the easiest course of resistance - well they do turn into men dont they - so there you go ! - as we already said - not all - but a lot of men just want a quiet life - especially in these family situations etc.

So I will cross fingers for you Smile

Original poster
glitzy · 02/09/2010 16:51

lol I have one of each!

And unfortunately the girl is nowhere near ready to join the real world.

OP posts:
Suda · 02/09/2010 22:31

Oh well - dont have nightmares - do you have a shed at bottom of garden ? - an attic perhaps? Grin - just hole yourself up for six years - it'll be ok.Hmm

Original poster
glitzy · 03/09/2010 15:05

lol thats reasuring!

OP posts:
Suda · 03/09/2010 20:59

They can shred our nerves and take our sanity but they'll never no never {goes into braveheart voice} take our sense of humour Grin

caramelwaffle · 03/09/2010 23:42

Grin suda

Suda · 04/09/2010 00:12

Yeah I know - I'm so much happier since I lost the plot Smile

mjinhiding · 04/09/2010 22:52

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Petal02 · 05/09/2010 09:29

MJ - I totally agree with your comment about DH being blind, and preferring to take the path of least resistance. There seem to be a lot of of DH/DP who behave like that! They mistakenly think it creates a 'quiet life' but completely overlook the frustration it creates for their wives/partners.

Suda · 05/09/2010 14:55

Petal - very well put - exactly - and another trait these dads have that also has the opposite to desired effect is the knee jerk defence of their offspring against us wicked evil stepmums who complain about their mess and expect them to help with the chores and other sick cruel demands Confused we make on them !!
Everytime they do ( unreasonably ) leap to their defence - well I dont know about you but it makes me feel more resentful against DSS every time - so DH is creating the very situation he doesnt want - i.e. animosity between me and DSS - again like you say by trying to keep a 'quiet' life.

Petal02 · 05/09/2010 15:45

Suda - YES !!! That's exactly how it is. It's so refreshing to know that there are other ladies who understand the dynamics so well.

mjinhiding · 05/09/2010 19:16

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CarGirl · 05/09/2010 19:25

mjin is your dss paying rent? He certainly should be!

mjinhiding · 05/09/2010 20:06

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CarGirl · 05/09/2010 20:13

Well perhaps you need to start charging him for cleaning, meals etc Wink seperate to his lodge.

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