All advice gratefully received

[CJtwin]

Hi first ever post - looking for advice and a listening ear or two! I'm the step mum of a 15 year old boy. He lives with me and his dad and has done since June 06. He came to us for a football weekend and as we were about to take him back we got a text saying he lived with us now and that she would go to court for access. Actually, she went to university to do a degree and her son didn't fit with her plans. We sought legal advice and went to court so that he could see her on a regular basis but she didn't turn up. As a result he has had problems (threatening suicide, theft etc) and I am at the end of my tether. In the last 4 years my husband has been off work alot and we have had nothing from the mother (as a student she doesn't have to pay according to CSA) and so I've basically paid for him. In this time I've also completed my own MA (based on working with children with social and emtional problems- ironic coincidence). He doesn't talk to me unless he has to and I have become more and more angry at how much I put in and how little I get out. I have even given up having my own child due to the difficulties that he's had. I've done my best - found him a school, advised his dad from my professional perspective as a teacher) taken him to football, appointments, organized birthday parties - you name it ive done it and still I get nowhere. I feel like all I am is a skivvy, a cash machine and a chef. I am burnt out. As I said, any ideas would be great, I don't think I can see the wood for the trees :(

Hi CJ, I probably won't be much help as I am not in your shoes but it sounds a though you really are being taken for granted and even walked over. Have you spoken to his dad about it ? what does he say? I think he should know how you feel. About his mother , I dont think that is on at all. My brother is unemployed with two sons and he gives whatever he can as often as possible. Surely she has a few pounds to spare here and there and if she doesnt she should get a part time job like other students have to to support themselves. What I am saying is....if she really wanted to she could!

You said you gave up trying to have your own children. I think you might come to regret this in the future unless you are really sure of your happiness at the moment and if you really believe this is right. You might even come to resent your husband later on because of what you have sacrificed.

Hi thank you so much for responding :) I have spoken at length to my husband but it is also difficult for him. He hates the fact he hasn't worked for a while and hasn't managed to always contribute. I am the main breadwinner and this is also a sensitive issue. Me going on about it is causing problems between us but I am determined that we will find a way through. As for the mother - she is a law unto herself and refuses to have any contact with myself or my husband. We don't know where she is specifically and she will only see her son when it suits her. We have her number so send her suitable dates (she refuses to take him for more than 2 hours) and then wait and see. We insist that she comes to get him as well. She won't come to our house (because of her actions) so waits at the end of the road. She doesn't deserve to see him but he wants to see her so there's nothing we can do. As for my own baby, I just feel I don't have enough energy to deal with that as well as this situation and it makes me even angrier. Thank you for listening, it really helps - and you are right, one of the things I tell my husband is that I feel used and so the solutions I need will help to address that. Thanks again :)

Thats ok, Sorry about your husband, I know it affects guys a lot more when they are out of work and actually want to be doing it so he must feel pretty bad as it is. I guess the main problem then is his ex - she sounds as though she doesnt know what she is doing and certainly not acting like a loving mother. I wonder if your step son feels this?
Teenagers are tough at the best of times ( I have taught many classes of teenagers, though not had my own) and he may be feeling let down by his mum and taking it out on you a little? I think you have been and continue to be the rock in the family and maybe you need something back now. Its a tough job taking on someone elses children and I will be honest with you I dont think I could do it, especially teenagers!

I really hope something works out for you, but you also need to take care of yourself.

I was in avery similiar situation to you up to my husband resuming work recently - but the main difference being my SS is 23. I have been paying for all the shopping etc and like you did not want to make an issue cos of husbands pride etc as he hates it that I was carrying us. I got to the stage when we went shopping the hairs on back of my neck would stand up whenever DH threw something in the trolley for his 'little boy' - I felt so used - like you do now. I used to feel like screaming NO -Why should I buy treats for him - I buy all the basics - he's not going to starve - but oh no thats not enough - I'm expected to buy his f***g chocolate coated cereals and favourite biscuits aswell. His mother 'conveniently lives at far end of the country - too far for any kids/grandkids to want to visit - she has a good job and lives with her boyfriend - just her and him - bliss and doesnt contribute to anything.

I dont really have a solution just dont bottle it up - let your husband know that you feel resentful against his ex for 'dumping' her financial responsibilities on to you ( that way you are not making it personal against your DH or SS ) Just make sure its clear you dont resent carrying him financially ( and like I said to my DH you understand that he would do same for you ) - and whilst you appreciate its not the childs fault either and he does need providing for - you do think its pushing your good nature a bit far to expect you to finance DSS as well - just lay your complaints or issues firmly at door of his Ex. I do understand your anger though if that helps that someone knows how you feel.

Ps. Please dont put off having your own baby - trust me in a stepfamily theres never a good time - and as a previous poster said you will end up resenting your DH and DSS for that matter.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! It is so helpful to see that someone can understand my perspective. It really is a matter of principle - there is surely something wrong if the only person making a financial contribution to the child is me? I have no objection to doing my bit and this is what I choose to do but I do find it hard that his mother seems to think that she has a choice rather than a responsibility. And this is made doubly difficult when the child lies on behalf of the mother and doesn't talk to me unless he wants money or food.
Thank you for the encouragement with regards to my own child - we have decided to go for it (we're both twins so it could be interesting!) and my husband now has work so watch this space! :)

Suda makes a very good point - if you make it clear that it's the ex you're complaining about, and not your DH's lack of work, then I think you'll get a lot further with this.