DSD wants to go home

[Pioneer]

I had to tell DSD off the last time she was here (2 weeks ago), and I haven't seen her since. She has turned up with DH tonight and wouldn't come over the doorstep. I shouted hello to her and she said hello back, but she wouldn't come into the kitchen where I was feeding DS. DH has been trying to talk to her but she won't come down the stairs and won't let me go up there.

It wasn't even that bad a telling off - she told a lie and then denied it and when I questioned her she shouted at me, so I told her off for speaking to me in that manner.

She says she never wants to come here again and that she just wants to be with her mum all the time.

I could understand she might be nervous about seeing me again, but I'm not sure what to do if she won't see me to talk about it

So what would you do?

Go up and speak to her anyway?

Let her stay in her room until she's ready?

Let her go home to her mum's as she is asking?

She's 10 btw.

You don't say whether your partner has spoken to her about her behaviour. And also whether your DSD has told her mother about you telling her off?

The reason I ask is I'm wondering what the relationship is like between you and her mum, could you speak to her about it and explain that you in no way wanted to hurt her in anyway, just that it was simple discipline. Another reason I'm wondering is if she's told her mother and if you don't get along, is the mother now reinforcing that bridge between you?

Your Dh needs to deal with her.

how long have you been her SM?

Yes he spoke to her about her behaviour at the time, and yes she has told her mum about me telling her off.

Relationship between me and her mum is not great - we didn't get on, then we did for a bit, now we don't again.

Her mum knows that she needs discipline, as she is frequently "naughty" at home, however I wouldn't put it past the mother to be using this as a bit of one upmanship - who knows.

I've been her SM for 6 years.

The way DH has dealt with it is that he has been up in her room demanding that she come down and speak to me, but she is refusing. I told him just to leave it as it was getting a bit heated. It has upset him a bit that she is saying that she doesn't want to come here anymore.

How is your relationship usually? Does mum agree with you disciplining her?

If you want to put things back on an even-keel, I would suggest you get a pretty little card, and write her a note saying how you never intended to hurt her feelings and that you miss your chats and fun times together etc...perhaps a little lip-gloss as a gift to win back her affections to give you a chance to get her back on side by which time you have the opportunity of discussing it with her ..because as you've said at the moment you can't as much as get near her.

Has your partner spoken to her mum about his concerns as to her behaviour towards you? Are they amicable?

Our relationship is usually really good. Up until the last visit, she was telling us that she wished she could come and live here and that she hated living with her mum as she doesn't like her mum's fiance. Wished that I was her mother etc.

DH doesn't really get on with her mother - he tried for years, but he just can't seem to win, so he has decided now to just have as little contact as is necessary.

By the way Pioneer, I've tried to send you a private message but can't due to your settings

I think I've changed it now peppermintjunkie

Eeek it charges you to send a message to another member?!?!?

Yeah - they need it for the running costs.

Is it something that you can't say in public?

The problem you have here is the fact that children invariably play one parent against the other, age old game. It becomes a problem when one or both of the parents is unwilling to put some things to bed and get over the fact that they don't get along, but that the child's welfare is paramount.

At the moment, this child is more than aware that none of you get along and she knows that the one way she can get 100% attention from her mother is to 'bad-mouth' you or your partner, it keeps her mother interested.

I can understand your partner being horribly upset at the situation, and rightly so, as for you Pioneer, I really do feel for you. As a step-parent, you running up a hill honey and will continue to do so where your DSD is concerned along with her mother. As I said earlier, put this to bed as soon as possible by appealing to her better nature even though it sounds like bribery by giving a gift. It buys you time to smooth things over after which time, you should step back from any form of discipline, let your partner do it no matter how hard it is. At least that way, you can't be blamed for the child not visiting again...believe me it's not worth the tears x

"At the moment, this child is more than aware that none of you get along and she knows that the one way she can get 100% attention from her mother is to 'bad-mouth' you or your partner, it keeps her mother interested."

This is interesting, because I was getting the impression that the reason that she doesn't like her mum's fiance is because he is, in her eyes, taking her mummy away from her. Perhaps, like you say, she now has ignited a new spark between herself and her mum - a common ground maybe? I'm sure if this is the case, that she will be delighted to be getting more attention from her mother.

She came down for tea and I just started speaking to her normally and having a laugh etc. We had a cuddle and all was ok. I thought everything was fine but she says she still wants to go home as she is really really missing her mum. We don't want to keep her here against her will so she rang her mum and is going home tomorrow morning. I really think you are right about the attention from her mum - I've been able to see for weeks that she is craving it, and perhaps now coming here for the weekend she is worried that she will lose that by her mum being alone with her DP IYSWIM?

Her mum tried to talk her into staying, but she was getting unusually upset so agreed to meet tomorrow morning. DH is really really upset and was crying earlier which is not a usual occurrence for him.

She has packed up all her stuff including a photo of her and her mum which she has had by her bed for years - makes me think she is not planning on coming back.

So sad for DH .

She's very aware that her mum is devoting some of her time to her fiance and will spend her time at yours wondering what they're getting up to and what she's missing, hence why she wants to go home. No wonder mum is coercing her into staying with you because she WANTS to spend some quiet time with her fiance!

All you can do now is bide your time, as hard as this is for your partner, you can do little else I'm afraid unless the mum is prepared to FORCE her to come to yours. Perhaps in the meantime, your partner should arrange for contact to be reduced, whereby he picks her up for a few hours and takes her back so as to reinforce her sense of security? That way, they still see eachother but she doesn't feel she's missing out on things at her mums. It's time for your partner to stand up and do what's right regardless of how much he's hurting for his long term relationship with his daughter, and to speak to his ex partner/wife and explain what he feels is now happening in his childs life.

As long as she feels secure in your care, you can be assured she'll always come back

xx

Thank you for your kind advice PJ .

The problem is that his ex partner is impossible to communicate with.

When DH has tried to speak to her in the past about DSD, she turns the blame on him, talks over him, is verbally abusive or will hang up.

Because of this, they no longer speak on the phone, and communicate by text, however this too is problematic, and he receives many many long, derogatory, offensive and rude texts.

This is the reason why he has tried to keep communication to a minimum, to avoid disagreements and arguments.

I do understand what you are saying, and in theory, the right thing to do would be to sit down and discuss it, but I can assure you that my DH has tried to make this happen on many occasions, but his ex just won't co-operate.

I would say well it would be a real shame if you went home after a telling off by me - you will be missing out after all on seeing your dad and it is your time and privalidge with him. You are always welcome in this hme and your dad is always happy to see you but you are not playing the games with me.

She is playing the game and sitting back now and seeing what will happen next

it is up to you and your dh to let her knwo what boundaries there are and that you are not playing any silly games

Perhaps your dh needs to outline that their dd will contuinue to misbehave if this sort of thing isn't sorted out now between them and they both talk to her - it will cause mum more problems anyway

I can't stand my ex and would rather he jumped off a cliff but dd's come first so we meet all off us so we all sit and talk when there have been big naughness from dd1 - oh and dd1 has tryed hard to play the game

Sorry to add - she needs a lot of support and chating to about the fact the adults do need time with other adults and that doesn't mean that they don't love you as much etc and love is a wide as a million elastci bands.

but I really think it is better to talk to the other parent and find out what problems they are having - as mum wants the time with bf and dad wants dd to stay

So perhaps dad could telephone ex and say look you want free time etc we need to tlak about how we handle all this and not lay blame at anyones door but just parent and make sure you get your free time and dd understnads that you need free time and that dad gets his time with dd as it is needed for a good relationship with dad - you just can't throw him in the bin

but now is the time to open the door and say look we need to sort this out and sit and tlak face to face in a public place

we do public place as it means I don't have to have him in my house and he cant shout at me as in public most people bahve to 90% degree

he can try he has nothing to lose and I think more to gain at this point in time

We have honestly tried on about 20 occasions to suggest meeting up and having an adult discussion about it, but it just always gets brushed under the carpet. What do you do if the other party won't co-operate?

Oh ivykaty, honestly we have had the chats and the support until the cows come home.

It's an ongoing thing. We often sit up in her room for hours going over how her mum's fiance is a nice man, and that it doesn't mean that mummy doesn't love her, that he is not replacing her dad, that she should try to be civil with him, etc, etc.

She has never agreed to meeting up, and I don't onestly think she ever will. We have tried when things have been aggravated, and when things were calm and civil, but it makes no difference.

Then do explain to your ds that she needs to stop playing this game as she could well get hurt, bring it out in the open that she mustn't keep saying this to dad and that to mum as it isn't healthy and a bit like telling tales as if their is something really important to tell no-one will take much notice, I wonder if she likes the hours of sitting up in her room and going over and over it? Possibly to much attntion and this needs to be softly sopped and gently push the boundaries back to normal healthy life agian doing fmaily stuff

a bit like cruying wolf but on amore elaberate scale

Thanks mjinhiding - good to hear from someone with a similar situation.

I do agree with you re the telling off - I don't make a habit of it, but there are many things she does that my own ds would get told off for, but I tend to let a lot of things go.

On this occasion I just decided that I wasn't going to be spoken to like that in my house. I would have told off any child that spoke to me like that, or adult for that matter !

She has decided to stay anyway, until Monday, which has cheered DH up no end.

Had a similar situation with DSS1 (now 19) when he was 10.
Told him off about something - when he got back to his mum she wound him up - he phoned us and was very rude to me - DH was on the other phone so heard it all - interrupted him and told him he could not speak to me like that. Upshot - DSS1 said he did not want to come on hols to Florida with us - we said that was fine and ended up just taking SS2. I think up till the moment we drove away with SS2 SS1 still thought we would cave. He dis not see us for a few months but eventually asked to come and stay and things were OK.
Kids do need boundaries but it is quite normal for them to sulk and try to use the situation to their advantage - especially if they are intelligent and have another adult winding them up.
Hold your ground, do not accept her being rude, and in the end you will have a better relationship with her.

Thanks WkdSM (love the nickname)!

I totally agree with you. It sometimes winds me up a bit when people say that you should treat them as your own, but then not to tell them off? Quite inconsistent advice if you ask me!

I have no intention of accepting her being rude to me, and I am very lucky that DH realises this and backs me up.

I definitely think it's better to hold your ground with children in general (be it your own or dscs), as once you back down once, I think they play on that.

Glad to hear it all worked out for you WkdSM .