Reluctant Almost Stepmum

[AlmostSM]

I have 3 Almost SC ? I say ?Almost? as we don?t officially live together as yet but spend most of our time together.

The older two (21 and 18) are no problem really and we get on well, a few niggles with differing parenting approaches but nothing that worries me.

However the youngest (8yo girl) is far more tricky

She basically doesn?t like me or my presence at all. Blames me for her Mum and Dad not having a chance of being together anymore despite her Mum having a long affair and leaving the family home months before I even met DP.

I have tried everything I can think of over the last 18 months, from making a fuss, buying gifts, taking her out, doing activities together 121 etc, basically trying too hard to the other extreme of ignoring her, giving her space, rising above all the comments etc and everything in between but nothing I do seems to work.

I try very hard to see things from her perspective but it?s very difficult when she plainly dislikes me so much. I love children especially little girls if I?m honest and have great relationships with other children and my own daughter and I find the rejection hard to deal with.

I have said things out of frustration that I regret and haven?t handled the situation perfectly. My DP was not very supportive in the beginning and through I suppose fear over-compensated and still does so occasionally but he has made great efforts over the last 6 months and is much more supportive now but that hasn?t made any real difference to the strained relationship between me and my A_DSD.

I just don?t know what to do from here, I?ve tried everything and I?m all out of ideas. I am beginning to struggle with my feelings for her as she is so cold and difficult and can be really nasty. I know I must be the adult here but I find myself making excuses not to be there so much when she is around (which is a lot of the time as DP has joint custody). I hate the way I feel, like I?m some kind of monster, like I?m perpetuating the Disney version of the wicked step mother.

DP has booked a luxury family holiday in a couple of months and it?s the first one including both families and its costing him a fortune and I?m half dreading it! Spending more than 24hours with her is such hard work for me I look for excuses to escape and whilst we are not officially living together I can do that but if I take the plunge and move in that wont be so easy.

Ironically its me that pushing living together as I do love DP dearly and want to share my life with him but please don?t think badly of me when I say I wish he didn?t come with so much baggage!

This is one of the hardest things I?ve ever had to deal with and I?ve dealt with my fair share in the past (successfully, in the main). One of the hardest elements is not being able to be honest about how I feel and I do wonder if some of what I feel is jealousy, it doesn't seem possible to my logical head but I do wonder if that?s part of the issue for me?

As I posted myself to someone else, somehow, I know I must learn to live with the situation or alternatively learn to live without DP. I can?t have both.

Thank you for listening

I agree with your last sentence but one as a mum of a nearly 7 year old dd.

Hi AlmostSM

I'm a SM of 4 and want to reassure you that the feelings you have are not unusual.

You can have both but you have to work at it. It won't be easy and things don't change overnight - or even in years in my case. You may have to put up with a long time of this beahviour and resentment on her part and battle with your own feelings at the same time. It is really hard.

Key to this is the r/l you have with your partner. Does he see her being like this? Does he enable her behaviour?

I still struggle with honesty in my r/l. I want to tell my DH when his kids are behaving really apallingly and I can never understand why he doesn't see it himself - but he doesn't and most of the time I have to bite my lip.

I really don't believe in put up and shut up and so I'm not recommending that. But for you to be happy with your OH then you really have to acknowledge that this girl is going to be and absolutely should be in his life. You either ALL work at making it right or my advice would be run like hell - cos it isn't going to get better and potentially will become much worse as she gets to the terrible teens.

Good luck to you xx

Oh... and as for the cruise. Go on it. Make every effort to share. Make sure OH sees you making lots of effort, but quietly and calmly ask that any bad behaviour on anybody's part is acknowledged and checked.

Make sure you get YOU time too - shouldn't just be about OH or DD.

This can be a trial for you - if it all goes well, hooray. If not - run for the hills x

I don't think this is something that you can fix yourself.

Although finding the level that you are comfortable with treating her and being consistent will help (going to the extremes will be just as confusing for her as you). For a while it may be that you just need to keep treating her as you would your own daughter but get nothing back from her - its one sided and unfair on you but its a long term issue not something that is going to be fixed overnight.

I suspect that it is your partner that needs to have more involvement in breaking this stalemate by having a chat with your step-daughter to find out whats wrong.

Depending on how mature she is it might not hurt for him to start with "AlmostSM thinks you don't like her because you keep......what's wrong?..." - it doesnt hurt to remind her that her actions have consequences and that you have feelings too.

It might give them a chance to identify the problem she has with you and come up with ideas to change it. That way, if it is that she thinks you are the one stopping them from getting back together, he can assure her this isnt true ("even if me and Almost were not together, mum and me would not get back together because we made each other sad when we were together" etc.). If it's just that she doesnt like you (every one is different) then he can show that he loves you both and wants to find a way that you can all live together happily.

You haven't mentioned the mum - what is her relationship like with you - is she ok with you being on the scene? It is surprising how much influence this can be (in my case even though she was the one to end it and married the man she left him for, she didnt like it as soon as he moved on with me and made it her mission to make life very difficult effectively encouraging and enabling her daughters behaviour).

When me and now exH split up, it turned out that step-daughter had been so malicious for all those years because she honestly believed if we werent together then her mum and dad would get back together despite the fact her mum had married someone else and her dad had married me. Its a strange world in a child's mind.

Good luck

I could have written that post about four years ago.

It's probably not what you want to hear, but sometimes time is the key. I read somewhere that it takes a successful step-family about seven years to gel together and for everyone to feel secure of their place in it.

I agree with everything Djinnie and bringonthesun said - you can't be passive, but work on him, not her. In these situations a guilt-ridden non-resident father (ever heard the term Disneyland Dad?) will appease his child an any cost, even yours. I think your job is just to open his eyes to it, firmly and persistantly, and be very clear about what you accept and what you won't. If he does this then she will come to accept it.

But don't go the other way either and point out every little wrong thing she does - this will come across as picking on her and you'll lose any future credibility. I well remember those long, lingering filthy glares when Dad was out of the room, but I think you know that as an adult, you lose just by entering into those games. Choose your battles is what I mean :)

It can work out though, I promise!

Thank you for all your support and for not making me feel like some kind of monster.

djinnie Yes DP enabled it somewhat in the beginning however DP has now had the serious chat on three occasions over the last 6 months and has gone as far to explain during the last chat more than any 8yo needs to know about how/when/why BM is no longer at home. Although, to be fair she is far from a normal 8yo and talks/behaves more like a 14yo so probably needed it.

DP is now very supportive if he witnesses anything; indeed, we had a fall out a couple of weeks ago because I thought he was too hard on her after she had told lies about me. This of course led to the inevitable defence from DP that he couldn?t win! as I asked for support then I criticised that he was too strict as I felt his punishment would lead her to resent me even more!

She does a lot of it behind his back and I feel rather childish to keep commenting on it and he IMHO allows her to be too cheeky without pulling her up on it so again I have to keep my mouth shut as much as possible. I struggle with total honesty like you and also do a lot of lip biting!

The option of running like hell is not there for me as I love him with all my heart so somehow I have to make this work for us all.

BringontheSun As explained above the chats have happened but not much change in her behaviour/feelings behind his back as yet although she treats me acceptably when he is present and aware. Never nice or warm and always with a ?teenage? tone in her voice but politely nonetheless so a big improvement.

He did ask her why she doesn?t like me and after a lot of time and effort we got to the root cause which was that she believes DP and BM would get back together if I was not on the scene and despite BM living with new man and there being a 6 month gap between BM leaving and me meeting DP nothing he says seems to change her mind on this belief.

BM is really rather nice would you believe, I?ve only met her a few times but she was very friendly and pleasant and appears genuinely pleased DP has successfully formed a new relationship. I suspect if nothing else is eases her guilt for the long affair and leaving him! But of course I am not naive and at BMs house things could be painted in a very different light.

Kelziz ok I will remember time is the key  and I will keep working on DP although he is not really guilt ridden as he has joint custody but currently that is very much more with him than BM. If she needs a weekend off (frequently) she doesn?t swap one but just asks him to have DSD extra time ? and during school holidays the large majority of time she is with DP too.

Thank you all so much for replying, I am really struggling with my feelings towards her and feel I should be able to rise above it and love her anyway even if she is awful to me and dislikes me so much. As it is I am not sure I even like her very much but I will keep trying to compartmentalise it all somehow and remember she is only a child and I must be the adult!

You're definitely not a monster! Like of lot of ladies here, I'm married to a DisneyLand Dad. I've learnt to pick my battles carefully, and as an earlier poster suggested, don't pick up every little fault, wait til it's something worth talking about.

I also agree with the poster who suggested it takes around 7 years for a step family to gel. I'm at the five year mark, and have quite a good relationship with my stepson. He still drives me mad quite frequently but we generally rub along quite well.

A bio parent is readily allowed to get mad with their kids, but a step parent is supposed to be a doting bystander. And dishing out any sort of discipline is a no-no, unless you want to be labelled Myra Hindley. It's taken me a long time to get my head around that, but that's just the way it is.

I'm realy pleased you've found it helpful to post.