Definition of "Stepmum"

[AlmostSM]

When do you actually become one if you don't marry DP? I assume "officially" when you start living together full-time?

Therefore I'm an Almost_SM as we don't actually live together yet :)

We see each other very regularly and spend all weekends together, been together for 18 months.

DP has 3 children

One A_DSD 18yo who lives with BM and visits once or twice a week for tea and stays over now and again

One A_DSD 20yo who lives with DP full-time

One A_DSD 8yo who he has joint custody of and is with him/us about 4 nights per week.

So, whenever we stay at his house which is the majority of the time due to joint custody of A_DSD 8yo I fulfil the role of SM without actually being one

How do you all define the term Stepmum?

I have one DSS who is 8, I've been with DH since March last year, he moved in in October and we married in March this year. I guess I was "Dad's girlfriend" until he moved in, and "offically" SM from when we were married, as DSS is fairly "black-and-white" about things. But for the bit in between he was certainly aware that I'm an equal partner to his Dad, and if I'd have been introduced to anyone else then I would have been "Dad's fiancee", not stepmum...
If I hadn't married his Dad then I guess it would have been down to DSS to choose the point at which he felt comfortable with the word?

Its not the word, I have no desire to use the term to refer to myself.

Its the role Im struggling with, even though we dont live together its very difficult and after reading through this forum for a bit it seems I am feeling pretty much what several other SMs feel which is a relief!

I've been a stepmum for a year or so now but still called by my name much to DSD annoyance (her BM wont allow her to call me mum but HAS to call her stepdad dad.. but thats a WHOLE other ballgame)

When someone says.. where's your mummy' her reply will be 'which one', and when she refers to her BM she always says 'my other mum'.

I was classed as Daddys latest girlfriend for a while which was what her mum told her to call me.. that soon stopped but I guess when we I started staying at his most of the time I became a step-mum type person, but mainly after we got a house together it was more apparent.

I must add my DP and I arnt married at the min

Im not looking for a name or a label, I want the SC to call me by my first name no matter what happens in the future. Nor do I want anyone to use that word to describe me.

What my question is was when do you become one? At what stage do I move from being Dads Partner/Girlfriend to performing the role.

At weekends when he works, goes to football or the gym and Im looking after DSD regularly alone am I just a free child minder because I still have my own house so we don't officially "live together"

Its probably an impossible question{grin}

I feel I became one as soon as DH and I were in a committed relationship, but to the kids (they were 4, 4 and 10 at the time) it was gradual I guess, we gradually got them used to the idea of me. I think at first they referred to me as Dad's Girlfriend but we got engaged quite quickly and they knew I would be their stepmum.

I certainly don't feel it's only if you're married, that's just formality. I've been their stepmum for 7 years, but we only married in 2008 (the twins were my bridesmaids, DSS was one of our witnesses, it was great!). but they call me by my name.

one DSD did ask me if she should/could call me mum but I said no. I told her she was lovely to think of it and I was flattered but that it may upset her real mum (who they live with).

I'm a lot younger than DH and his exW - I'm actually closer to the DSC's age! which I think has been helpful, as I am in no way a 'second mother' - they respect me as a parent figure and I love/worry about them in a parental way, BUT in some ways I am perhaps more like an older sister, I do stuff with them that their mum doesn't and they tell me things in confidence etc. it's a really lovely relationship :)

^ I agree it is more of a gradual thing, I felt like a free childminder in the begining but I dont now.

I was dad's girlfriend before we got married and now the kids refer to me as their stepmum. It came as a bit of a shock the first time they used it as they call me by my first name when we are with friends and family. I suppose it does depend on the age of the kids and the relationship you have with them. They still call DP ex's BF her boyfriend even though they have been going out for longer than DP and I have been together.

Good question! I've been with DP 3 years and we've lived together for nearly 2 and I consider myself a stepmum and refer to his two boys as my step-kids (though would never do this infront of them incase they feel uncomfortable about it) I don't think the boys consider me their step mum.. I'm also a lot younger than my DP so I think they just don't see me as a 'mum' figure. Also, we were talking about friends of ours who they met and know their son and saying that my friend is their freinds step-mum and the youngest asked 'why, what happened to his real mum' (they're divorced) So certainly youngest has a specific concept of what a stepmum is.

How the boys consider me doesn't really bother me any which way, they call me by my first name and wouldn't have it any other way.

However DP refuses to acknowledge that I am a 'stepmum' which really pisses me off! I think the point about it being recognised as a role is some acknowledgment of what being a step mum involves. We have the boys every weekend and have just relocated to somewhere new where I know no-one so we can have live 5 minutes away from their mum.. so to be told that I am not a step-mum because I don't have the responsibility (the eg used being that I don't drive them to football etc) shows an outstanding lack of awareness of how they've turned my life upside down!! Not complaining about the situation itself, but ongoing 'discussion' with DP about how he sees my role!

lucieloo - I feel your pain with your last point - my DH has been much the same in the past and it's only in the last year or so (and we've been together nearly 7 years) that he really recognises my role.
Obviously helps that I'm pregnant as that has bonded our little family in a way no amount of caring for and about his son ever seemed to do.
I also moved a long long way so totally empathise with you on that too. From London to Wales - long bloody way!

Oh blimey EMS23 at least I've only gone from London to Essex! I think it must all come good in the end.. I've heard several times that 7 years is how long it takes for a step-family to properly blend. Likewise that if the step-mum doesn't have kids previously then it does bond the family together. I hope so!
Sorry OP, for the slight tangent.. and for my rant! I think the simple answer is that you become a step-mum when you start thinking of yourself in that way. That's how I view it anyway.

Good Luck!

My 'step-mum' is brilliant.

We get along really well - she makes my Dad happy and he makes her happy. However I will never call her 'step-mum' or think of her as a 'step-mum' as she is the same age as me and was friend's with me before she entered into a relationship with my father (while he was still with my ex-step-mum). Also I was grown when they got together and she has never acted like a mother figure to me. She is a friend.

At the moment she is Dad's partner (they have been together for 5 years) and if they get married (when Dad is finally divorced from exSM) she will be Dad's wife. Or simply her first name.

I think that there is more to the step-mum title than whether or not the woman lives with/is married to the father especially if the children are grown. I suppose that doesn't really give a definition, but complicates it further.