Why isn't it getting better?

[onionlove]

Hi can anyone help?
I'm really struggling with our situation, my DH has a 10 year old daughter from previous relationship and we now have a baby. I have always found being a stepmum difficult for many reasons, DH has a rubbish relationship with his ex, his parents interfere (not on our behalf) and SD is a little spoiled and can be manipulative, also we struggled for years to have our own baby and I have found SD being here very difficult during that time.
I was hoping after our baby came along that things would get easier but they haven't and I'm starting to feel really anxious and upset about it all. I can't really explain it, its almost a physical reaction but I am not coping at all well. I have made an appointment to see the doctor but I was just wondering if anyone else ever felt the same or can offer any advice.
Thanks
Onion x

Dear Onion love

Not sure how old your baby is but if he/she is very little then I am not surprised you are feeling like you can't cope - babies are hard work without having to deal with an older child who is not yours being around.

I love the weekends when it is just me, DH and our DD - I like having to the place to to myself and not have to deal with my DSD hogging the TV (bloody CBBC on at full volume), demanding attention from her Dad and generally making a mess!

I still find the best way to cope is either go out with my DD and leave DH to entertain DSD or even better get them to bugger off for a few hours and leave me and DD in peace at home to potter about. It helps me feel a lot more generous towards my DSD if we haven't all been cooped up inside all day getting on each others nerves......

If you feel that your not coping is more than simply getting irritated with your DSD then I think you are doing the right thing to see your doctor - but please be kind to yourself and definitely make sure your DH is putting the effort in with your DSD so that you can get on and focus on the baby.

I was a step daughter in your situation and now in hindsight I realise the situation must have been difficult for my stepmum - however she is only 10 and this situation must be difficult for her too. Perhaps if you tried to involve her with more baby things and did things together you would find it easier to get on with her.

Sorry can't be more help. Good luck.

MJinhiding - Thanks for your kind message, I felt better for reading it and was relieved that someone understood. I think that you are right that on the whole I do feel better now babyonion is here, and I do my own thing a lot as I used to before he came along, I found it the only way to get through the weekends. I think that I do let it dominate my thoughts a bit too much and am probably over thinking it all. I feel a bit bad that I'm no good at blending the family together as I know it is something that in an ideal world would be better for everyone, I feel a bit unfair on DH if I take baby out all the time although he is very understanding about it and I suppose it allows him to focus on DSD. i found it got better with the birth of the 2 miniMJs, not least because I care so much less now than I did

Tootingbec - baby is only 8 months and I guess I just feel claustrophobic and regretful that we don't get much time together as a family for the 3 of us as DH works late in the week. I also love our weekends on our own as it just feels so much easier as DSD is not independent of us at all and won't go and do anything on her own without being told to, I guess this will change and I might get on better with her when she is older. You're right a little time along each day is really precious to me but I feel guilty for DH that myself and babyonion aren't around all weekend as I think he misses us. What worries me is the affect on our marriage and therefore on baby when there is an atmosphere. I have been crying a lot because of this and the other day I feel a little anxious and breathless so I have decided to chat it through with the doctor. Thank you also for your kind message, I feel better that I'm not the only one who has to take these measures in order to cope.

and Cadders thanks for your message, its good to have the other perspective, undoubtedly it is difficult for DSD as well, I think it will be easier to get on with her when she is a little older, I'm trying my best though.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, I feel more normal already....

Glad you are feeling better. The other thing to bare in mind is that it is very difficult to find things to do as a "family" when there is such a big age gap. I spend a lot of time fretting that we are not doing stuff together but the needs of a 10 year old are very different to those of an 8 month year old.

Try not to fight it and instead make the most of your time when it is just the 3 of you and when you are all together, do what you need to do to make you feel less stressed about the situation. I find doing things with just my DSD (like going to the pictures or shopping) is actually much more fun than when we try and do stuff "en famillie" when all the complex dynamics between me, DH and DSD get in the way. Leave the baby with your DH so that he gets to have some 1-1 time with him/her and enjoy not having to push a pram around for a few hours!

I know EXACTLY how you feel onionlove. Our weekends with DSD are so intense because there is no break - we live 45 mins away from her friends/etc - which means I feel under pressure to make sure she is entertained/enjoying herself all the time which then leads to me feeling resentful because I sacrifice my own needs.

She is babied by DP a lot too and they are VERY close so I often feel excluded and withdraw which makes him cross with me.

The arrival of our DD has had a massive impact, I definitely rejected DSD more, not on purpose but instinctively and she has hit her teens which also hasn't helped. It is now difficult to relax when she is with us and I often find myself making plans to avoid spending time at home when she is with us, but it is sad.

Sometimes I try to spend one-on-one time with her to foser closer relations which helps. So you could try that?

Good luck and if I think of any answers then I will let you know!

Thanks Tootingbec and you are right about the age gap, I hadn't thought about it like that before.
Reddaisy - thanks for writing, I feel like it is intense too, that's a good description, I also feel like DSD misses friends and more familiar things, I have tried to get DH to investigate some activities she could do here to make friends when she is here. It does sound like a similar change you experienced with your baby, I used to get so annoyed when DS was firstborn and midwives etc came round to talk to me and DSD sat and listened to every word so I couldn't talk freely and DH wouldn't take her out of the room, I felt that my privacy is invaded sometimes and I also make separate plans which I feel bad about.
I have tried spending time with her but she is very closed and doesn't really talk to me a lot, maybe when she is older it will be better.
Thanks for your support xx

Hi onionlove, I know what you mean. I get annoyed about things like the midwife situation you describe too.

My mum had a rather bad accident recently and I had a phonecall from a relative at the hospital updating me and DSD was there and I took the call upstairs.

Afterwards I just wanted to tell DP about it and for DSD to give us some privacy but I didn't know how to ask for that without looking like I was excluding her. Told DP later but he couldn't understand how I felt and yet DSD hasn't asked me how mum is since the acccident. Which I realise is because she is a teenager and is self involved but it just shows me that the accident was of no importance to her anyway so I think it wouldn't have mattered if I hadn't told her all the ins and outs of what happened.

I arranged for DSD to go to a weekly hobby group when we moved here which helped her have something to do but whenever I suggest she sees her friends from there and goes shopping in town with them for an afternoon to break up our time with her and make it more like a "normal" weekend, she doesn't want to.

I guess we need to keep trying I supppose.

reddaisy you really hit the nail on the head with privacy and SKs. They have no history with your family stuff so I actually hate it when my adult SS earwigs into my conversation with DH and even joins in - however personal and however little it has to do with him - or nothing whatsoever even. We can be sat in a room talking and he comes in and we say hello or whatever - its not as if we blank him - then he will say - in that grating teenager ug voice (IYKWIM) - and he's 24 ! - What you on about ? or he'll throw in a suggestion as to who or what you're talking about - i.e. Are you on about such a thing or such a body ? What's really annoying is he will shout this - or sort of throw his voice from the other end of our kitchen - its open plan with our lounge - like he cant even wait to get in the same room to join in - like he's got a right to know - I nearly scream sometimes and I want to shout back 'We're having a private conversation actually DSS!' but I just know DH would tear a strip of me as his life evolves around not hurting DSS's feelings and DSS would just look smug then.

And some days the other voices - the wicked ones - make me want to say "Me and your father were just discussing an oral sex technique we might try tonight "

I think its official - I have got an evil streak !

Suda YES YOU HAVE - Funny though