Just having a moan

[sunshinerainbow]

DP and I have contact with our 4 step kids Fri afternoon to Monday morning every other weekend and Monday afternoon to Tuesday morning in the summer hols. DP works 7 days a week in the summer.

Every other hol, it is at least half of the hols, sometimes more.

Why is it that when BM has a new BF she is pushing him to have the kids more? Now I have moved in, it's going to fall to me to look after them in the summer and to be honest, I feel like I've got plenty to do in dealing with them as they are.

The eldest is 14, the youngest is 7, so DP feels they can all be left in the house with her to babysit and I can come and go as I please. This is true, but it still means I have the extra washing, all the cooking, all the general clearing up after them, and not to mention the sleep deprivation as these kids all survive on about 6 hours sleep. DP can sleep on the sofa or the moment his head hits the pillow, whether they are there or not. I can't sleep until I've had some "wind down time" after they have finally gone to sleep and then low and behold, they are up at the crack of dawn. My own DS takes 3 days to recover from the sleep deprivation as he tries his best to keep up when they are here. And I had planned on a nice day with DS having some quality time with him. Now that's blown out of the window unless I want to cart 5 kids around with me.

So when BM asks if he can have them for longer over the bank holiday weekend (when DP will be working most of it) he jumped at the chance and didn't even ask me or consider me and DS. I understand he loves having his kids around, and that's really good and should be encouraged, I know. And I feel bad for feeling like I do.

Step kids affect everyone living in the home, but it's only the birth parents whose feelings and needs get taken into consideration.

Just needed to rant about that!

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I probably am a bit precious over DS, as I am used to just having him and no-one else. We do have a different bond to that of a bigger family as is only natural and I am finding it hard to let that go. We are not used to being part of a crowd.

Yes, DP will reduce his hours and will be around from now on most of the time when we have kids.

Yes, DSC will grow up but remember that DP has also said he hopes he will have lots of grandchildren who will be around all the time, so I don't really see an end to having a house full of kids. lol

DS does lots of jobs around the house. DSC do a few jobs and I am trying to encourage them to do equal amounts to DS.

I am trying to see them as "our" DSC and always refer to them as such.

I know, I only have my DS so I can't imagine anyone else being there so to speak.

If you treat them all the same in terms of what you expect them to do then that's fair and takes some of the load of you as 4 more children does create a lot of extra work.

Your DP is getting ahead of himself if he's already thinking about grandchildren.....!

You can get through this but you need to keep talking and agree what's fair for everyone, both you and DP and all of the children.

Good luck!

I suspect that DP's youngest will have just about flown the next by the time the eldest have children, so I really do think it will be ongoing. DP certainly hopes so.

I don't think there will be any more talking after last night. DP has made it very clear that I have no say on when DSC come. It is down to his ex and him to decide that. He has said he will "tell me" but that is all.

I am going to arrange time with DS to do things in the evenings once a fortnight and hope for the best in the holidays with regards to booking time off. I will book days off and will have no idea if we will have DSC or not.

Sunshine, that sounds like a difficult thing to hear in what is supposed to be your home. Even if he feels that he has to take every chance at contact he is offered, and no matter what the situation with either his ex or yours, surely he also needs to hear how you feel and take it into consideration? Especially here where it effectively is you who is looking after them - and where there are so many of them....

Is this the only way in which he is not prepared to be flexible? it would be quite a worrying sign in a newish relationship, I think.

DB really struggles with getting his exW to arrange dates in advance when he will have his kids, and would rather see far more of them but when she has produced last minute offers and he and new W have planned to be away, for example, he has said no - and been angry about exW's unreasonableness, not about the fact that new W is somehow depriving him from seeing his children. It's annoying, and there is also the fear that the message is given that 'dad didn't want you this weekend he is too busy' but in the long run hopefully they are sensible enough to see through this and to realise that nobody can put their life on hold waiting for an ex spouse to get organised.

Desertgirl,

DP told me last night that having DS with us all week is the same as having his four children 2/3 nights per week. He seems very keen to stress that DS lives in his home all week and he deals with that OK, so why can't I accept that his children live here less than all week so I should be accepting too of whenever they come.

I can't seem to make him understand that it isn't the amount of time they come, it's when they come or when they don't that I want to know about and be considered in.

It makes me feel like he sees me as being worthless when they are around and have no input, which is very much not the case and not what I want at all. I want to be a good influence, I want to be part of their lives and them, part of mine. I can't and won't ignore them when they're here, but I would also like DP to feel that my input is valuable too and as such, consider my needs, when it comes to contact.

And, yes DP is very worried that Ex W will tell kids that he didn't want them.

yes it will be tough for him, but it doesn't sound like he's hearing you.

Does his family (parents/sibs/etc) expect to be able to just turn up at each other's with no notice? if he sees that as normal - eg that grandchildren spend lots of time calling in on grandparents - that would add to the difficult of getting him to see your point of view.

do you think it would help to write him a letter? some people seem to deal better with having time to think about how they respond...

anyway, thinking of you

If you have only been living there for a few months, what did he do before? Did he take time off work at short notice, is he in a position to be able to do that? If so, perhaps he needs to continue doing so. His attitude of 'I'll just tell you' when you are expected to be the adult responsible for them, sucks, and doesn't say much for any respect within your relationship.

mj, wanting to see his kids as much as possible almost certainly isn't about his feelings for sunshine, but his approach to her raising her concerns doesn't sound very constructive, surely? He could have suggested that he deal with his kids more, etc - if you and DH had an issue about one lot of kids, wouldn't you have discussed both of your concerns?

completely agree with the others. You are not free childcare and unless your partner is there its unreasonable to force it on you. You arent being unreasonable or unfair AT ALL.

PS I agree entirely with mj - sort a babysitter and inform him in advance you have plans with your son. It is lovely that he wants to see his kids but HE isnt seeing them. YOU are so you should be considered in the babysitting equation and lets be honest - 4 kids is a LOT more work than 1.

DP hasn't changed his working hours because of me, it's that his hours have naturally changed. I don't want to go into details about his job but he can now be flexible with his hours although it will involve him doing some work when the kids are around, but mainly from home. Initially when I thought he had agreed to having the children more, I thought he would be working all day, but now it seems he will only be working part of the day.

DP is a very family orientated family. I have found DP's Dad having a coffee in the front room at 7.30am more than once and DP pops round to them everyday too.

I, however, have not much family at all and none who would just pop in, as I live a long way from them anyway.

I suppose I see it as I have several hats. A couple hat, a family of 3 hat, a family of 6 hat and a family of 7 hat etc. etc. I just want to know what days what hats come out. I want to enjoy all parts of my life, but I get the impression that DP only wants his kids around all the time and anything less is a compromise he "puts up with".

And what mjinhiding said about going out over the bank holiday weekend, I really feel I can't. When all the kids are here, surely I have to treat them all the same. I simply can't single my child out and take him out for a fun day. I think I am entitled to do that when DSC are not around, as after all, DSC have fun times when they are not with us, but I don't see how doing that when DSC are here is going to help us bond as a family.

DP has said that he's not stopping me and DS going out, so that kind of adds to the feeling that we're irrelevant when his kids are around, if you see what I mean?

mj and everyone else,

Thanks for your input, I really do appreciate it.

I feel this is going to be an ongoing issue. Now that some time has gone on from my first post, I have mellowed a bit and it's been a good few days since we have had the kids, so I probably feel a little bit more refreshed and ready to deal with them again.

I am doing a lot of thinking and do understand that DP wants his kids around him and I have a lot of respect for a man who feels like that, I too would want to see DS a lot more if he didn't live with me.

I have a lot of adjusting to do, we have the kids twice as much as "the one weekend a fortnight" Dad average and there are 4 of them and I'm not used to lots of people around me. It's hardly surprising I'm struggling a bit. I know DP doesn't understand and that hurts. I hope in time that I will feel differently and things will settle and I will relax.

I think the key here is giving it time and when I have a bad day, coming on here to hear some good advice.

Sunshine, I've just been catching up with this thread. My husband used to have this wonderful phrase "he's my son - get over it". And whilst your DP doesn't say those words, his actions are saying something very similar.

It?s great that these men want to see their kids as often as possible, and I applaud that, but they have ZERO comprehension of the effect it has on other people in the household. They really, really don?t see how the extra domestic stuff, coupled with lack of privacy, being unable to make plans etc, can impact on their wives/partners.

And then bring the whims of a manipulative ex into the equation ? and well, what can I say? I just want you to know that there are people out here who really understand where you?re coming from. My situation isn?t in the same league as yours ? one child on alternate weekends ? but that?s been stressful enough.

Lord, give me the grace to accept the things I cannot change !!!!

I think I will remember the "Lord, give me grace" line and use it as my mantra.

I'm wondering if I should write DP a letter explaining how I feel. I wonder if I was to put it to him that I am experiencing the equivalent of having over 17 children (4 x 3.5 times being the same as 2 x 3.5 being 7) around me and that I have to live by their rules in their home that maybe that would make him understand.

He has said over the weekend that he would have hated to have moved home and had to live his life totally differently because he was moving into someone elses home with different rules. So I pick up on comments like that and wonder if he does have the capacity to understand?

Sunshine - I think men are (usually) just as emotionally intelligent as women, even though they don't always articulate it in the same way. Your partner is obviously aware that he wouldn't wish to make huge compromises, so he's clearly tuned into the situation. You could try writing him a letter. But from my own experience, if you've tried to discuss it many times before, men just tend to switch off from the subject. My husband gets defensive if I even mention his son's name, let alone discuss any difficulties. So whilst I think deep down your partner must know the issues you face, he would simply prefer to ignore them. They're his kids, he wants them around, and (to quote my husband) "get over it." Hence my comment about accepting the things you cannot change. A lot of these situations seem to feel like you've hit a brick wall, a complete impasse almost. It's taken me nearly five years to get my husband to check with me first if his ex wants to change access arrangements, but if she ever pulls a fast one, ie drops son off, and says she'll have him back on Monday instead of the previously arranged Sunday, my husband will never challenge her. My best advice is to keep drinking gin, and post here!

I'd rather have a vodka!

Kids are all here now and I can honestly say, it's nice to have them here.

DP is helpful and doesn't leave everything to me and in lots of ways, I feel lucky.

When I asked him if I should get extra food in for tomorrow, he looked at me strangely.

The kids are due back to their Mum's tomorrow morning, but sometimes in the past, they/he/ex wife have decided they should stay all day, hence my question. I wonder if that made it sink in for him? Probably not, but hey ho.

I understand your feelings and how difficult this must be for you.

Somehow, like you say we must learn to live with the situation or alternatively learn to live without our DP/DHs. We cant have both so we have to choose as they come as a package.

I'll say try not to be petty but I fail on that score myself quite regularly

I just keep thinking it will get easier in time, its the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes

Apologies, I replied to the last post on page one (Im new!) Didnt realise there was a second page

And I dont seem to be able to edit my message?

Lord, give me the grace to accept the things I cannot change!