Just having a moan

[sunshinerainbow]

DP and I have contact with our 4 step kids Fri afternoon to Monday morning every other weekend and Monday afternoon to Tuesday morning in the summer hols. DP works 7 days a week in the summer.

Every other hol, it is at least half of the hols, sometimes more.

Why is it that when BM has a new BF she is pushing him to have the kids more? Now I have moved in, it's going to fall to me to look after them in the summer and to be honest, I feel like I've got plenty to do in dealing with them as they are.

The eldest is 14, the youngest is 7, so DP feels they can all be left in the house with her to babysit and I can come and go as I please. This is true, but it still means I have the extra washing, all the cooking, all the general clearing up after them, and not to mention the sleep deprivation as these kids all survive on about 6 hours sleep. DP can sleep on the sofa or the moment his head hits the pillow, whether they are there or not. I can't sleep until I've had some "wind down time" after they have finally gone to sleep and then low and behold, they are up at the crack of dawn. My own DS takes 3 days to recover from the sleep deprivation as he tries his best to keep up when they are here. And I had planned on a nice day with DS having some quality time with him. Now that's blown out of the window unless I want to cart 5 kids around with me.

So when BM asks if he can have them for longer over the bank holiday weekend (when DP will be working most of it) he jumped at the chance and didn't even ask me or consider me and DS. I understand he loves having his kids around, and that's really good and should be encouraged, I know. And I feel bad for feeling like I do.

Step kids affect everyone living in the home, but it's only the birth parents whose feelings and needs get taken into consideration.

Just needed to rant about that!

My kids are 14 and nearly 7 and if I knew a step mum felt that way about them I'd not let them go there. It seems pointless if their dad isnt there. Have you told them how you feel so they can arrange contact only when dad is there? Seems a bit pointless them being with just you otherwise.

poor kids.:(

Think of things from their POV.....

"My 3 (younger) siblings and I have to spend every other weekend at my dads house with his girlfriend and her child. Dad works 7 days a week throughout the summer, but we still have to go to their house. We spend at least half our other holidays with them.

Now mum has a new boyfriend. She wants us to go there evenmore so she and him can be alone. Dads agreed, but he's not even around because he's always working. So we get to spend all day with the miserable girlfriend.

Because I am 14, shethinks its OK just to buger off with her child and leave me to look after the others. Shes only really interested in her own child (who is quite cute) but we are not allowed to wind him up or over excite him or the precious prince wont sleep.

She insists on us going to bed early so she can have some wind down time. But this is the only time we get to see dad!

SHe moans about the mess and the extra washing and cooking. SHe makes it quite plain that she resents us being there.

She's really miffed at the moment because she had planned to take the little prince out for a day and now we have to come too.

She and dad are brewing for a big row as we have to go there over the bank holiday weekend, dads working, and she doesnt want us there...."

I think you have the opportunity to forge a great relationship with these kids, and to let your child have some great fun with older brothers and sisters.

In the future, how do you want to be regarded? As an old nmisery who never wanted them around, or fun and warm and loving stepmum who chilled out a little?

5 kids in the house means mess. The older ones are big enough to help tidy up, so set the rule - 5pm, all play stops while you make dinner, they clean the living space before dad gets home. Bedrooms are tidy by 10am or no TV.

Lighten up on the food front - get plenty of fruit in, have easy popular meals like shepherds pie or even chips and fishfingers :D

ANd think that your DS will benefit enormously from NOT being the centre of your world for a while, and for having those great brothers and sisters to play with and to look out for him.

Id also look to get the 14 yo on side as much as possible. Reward her for her help (phone top ups or extra time on the PC of an evening) and dont assume that SHE wants the spend her whole holiday babysitting her siblings- shes probably miserable because shes missing her mates.

Shes not going to want to be in bed early either - let her have time and space until late because its her holiday too. Take her shopping, drop her off at the movies - remember she is an in-house babysitter that might allow you and hubby a night out one of these days- but only if you treat her right!

Felt bad at my negative post.
Why cant dh get a routine going with them so that they do a lot more of the household jobs. No reason why not. For children this age they should be capable of clearing up after themselves and dealing with any mess.
Get them involved in preparing the food too.

I don't think you are being unreasonable here. You are entitled to your feelings. If you are only used to dealing with one child, four is a lot. I know plenty of Mums of 4 who feel overwhelmed in the school holidays. Yes, I think your DP should have asked you before he set this up. Yes, I think I would feel resentful if the ex-wife was using this not as contact time but as free babysitting. I would put my foot down and say that everyone has to agree to the contact arrangements, especially as you are the primary care person here! And there have to be some house rules here - sounds like you need a family meeting.

Something that seems to crop up a lot here - is that children get despatched to their fathers home, even when the father isn't there, so the care falls on the step mother. And I agree that this is actually free baby-sitting. Four children must be a real handful, and I think your partner should have consulted you before he agreed to any of this.

Thanks for all the replies.

I feel I have to defend myself a little bit here though.

The kids have no idea how I feel and when they are here, I put on a big smile and get totally involved. I would never moan at them. At the end of each day I am exhausted but because I have no space and time to myself, can't shut down. Which I think is fairly understandable going from 1 child in my own home to 5 kids in my partners (recently become mine) home.

The kids do not go to bed early because I am grumpy - they are all awake til 10.30pm and are all up before 6am.

My son enjoys time with all the children as do they with him. He has however, been an only child for 12 years and perhaps, he also needs time with him Mum too (who works full time) and quiet time as he is trying to fit in with 4 kids who are obviously a tight nit unit and he says sometimes he feels left out, so shows off to compensate. This is obviously quite draining for him.

14 year old can see her mates whenever she likes and I will spend a lot of my time running all the kids to various activities and friends, many of which are 20 miles away. In fact, it is difficult to get the kids to do activities or see friends outside of the home - they don't really want to go out.

There are 7 people involved in this situation, not just 4.

5 kids are hard work, just the sheer volume. It doesn't mean I don't like them, it means I find it hard going - there is a difference.

Hi Sunshine, I read your op as just venting, as you feel there is nowhere else to do that, and not necessarily being negative about your DSCs. Moving in with someone is a massive step to take and involves considerable upheaval, and going from 1 child to 5 is a huge difference. I went from being single to having DH and DSS and found that a big enough change.

Have you spoken to your DP about the bank holiday? I know that the arrangement has been made and presumably can't be changed (and from what you've said, you and he wouldn't want to anyway) but it was a bit cheeky of him to make an assumption on your behalf. Maybe he just sees you getting on with things and doesn't appreciate the extra work - he's only seen his household increase by 2 people wherease you've more than tripled your usual number!

Thank you bonnymiffy.

I was in tears this morning wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew and if I should just "go home".

DP never says anything about having DS around all the time, but DS doesn't create any extra work for him and having me around has just meant that DP gets a proper dinner every night, cleaner house, ironed clothes etc. All improvements on his single life. He's a good bloke and is tidy and always washes up, puts washing in machine and does take DS to school a couple of days a week. He doesn't have to "babysit" him though and if I take him to a club, he isn't left at home for hours looking after 4 other kids.

How can I say to DP, I don't want him to see his kids? How do I say, I don't want them? It just sounds so terrible to word it like that and I really don't dislike his kids, but I do find it hard work. DP has readily admitted he wouldn't be with a woman who had 4 kids though! So he must realise it's hard work.

And I do get a bit miffed when people ooh and ahh over the step kids. I musn't upset their routine, I mustn't change anything in the house. Sometimes people forget that DS is a step child too and he isn't fortunate enough to have 2 homes and 2 lots of toys, 2 lots of love from 2 families, a step Mum who gives time and energy - he only has 1 home, 1 family, which he has to share with 4 other little people who dicate the structure of the day and his home for half the week.

I was wondering what your DP's relationship is like with his ex and whether it may be possible to suggest a compromise at all, eg, take 2 of the DSCs (either the older two or younger two) and do something with just them and your DS? (and then do something separate with the others later, obviously). This would mean slightly less work, but also an opportunity for you to get to know them a bit better and do something age-appropriate with them (7 year olds might like the zoo/park 14 y-o shopping/bowling/ice-skating/whatever else is available in your area) You didn't say how long you've been a family, so I don't know if this is helpful or not and how well you feel you know them.

And, I have to say I disagree with the "nothing must change" thing - it's yours and your DS's home as well now and you need to feel at home in it.

Just my thoughts, I'm no expert, if I were I wouldn't be checking out these forums!

sunshine, i got the impression from your OP that your ds was a littleboy -2-3 yo,not a great big pre teen.

Seriously, lighten up- a 12yo can stay up to 10:30- no problem! Granted, not on a school night, but over the summer, for sure.

So firstly, you have to learn to ignore the mess, and have DP do more to help tidy when he comes home. Accept that taking care of 5 kids is a full time job.

As a compromise, maybe in the future you could agree with X and DP that the kids go to a play scheme in the day, not for them all to expect you to take care of 1+4 for free. You collect them and feed them and do their washing but they are not under foot all day. If its more than the origional agreement on custody, then mum pays. If not, split the cost 50-50.

Paying for all those kids may make them appreciate how much it is worth to keep you on side.

Id go so far as to put your son in too, and stay at work. Then take hioliday when the others are not there, so you can appreciate the time with your son.

I think also you should take a good hard look at the situation at home because you sound powerless in the relationship, ie your feelings are not taken into account when decisions are made, therefore it is not an equal partnership.

Thanks bonnymiffy,

Last time the kids came, DP was out with the 2 youngest at a club, so I took the 2 eldest and DS to visit my family.

It was lovely to have them with me and to actually be able to chat and enjoy their company without feeling I was spread so thinly I couldn't give any of them my proper attention. It also meant I could actually talk with my family and enjoy my time.

There are things I would like to do with the little ones too, things that the bigger ones might not enjoy and I'm quite prepared to take them out without DS.

DP and ex have a terrible relationship, which I honestly feel is more down to her than him.

He has asked for seperate contact in the past but she always insists he takes all of them and in fact, I was waiting for an e-mail from her about the family visiting thing last weekend.

Ex wants him to have the kids all bank holiday so she can have a long weekend with her latest boyfriend. No way she wants any of the kids with her. So it's down to me then.

DP and I have only been living together a few months, so I know it's early days and I need time to adjust but I am just finding it all so hard sometimes.

Thank you for being understanding.

To be honest, now I think about this, I may well make a rule where I won't take them all out together when I'm on my own. I will take them out seperately and if that means that DS comes with me alone sometimes too, then so be it. Ex wife might not like it, but you know what? I have to live my life the way I see fit and I think I will be a better influence and step mum to these kids if I do it on my terms rather than by those dicated by a woman who doesn't want them herself half the time anyway!

And of course a 12 year old can stay up til 10.30pm, but please note that they are all up at before 6am, weekday or not.

My 12 year old (and those of my friends) need at least 10 hours sleep per night. Not 6 - 7 hours. Fine on the odd occassion or on holiday but as we sometimes have them for over half the week, it obviously takes it toll.

As for holiday time - ex won't tell DP when he is having the kids until the last minute, so it's very hard for me to book holiday when they are not there because I simply don't know.

Think I will ask DP that he finds out about holidays in good time or he can tell her that he can't take them.

DS already goes to holiday club - DSC have never been in childcare. Apparently, that is what DP is there for! Ex's words.

It seems very much that your partner's ex calls the shots with the children, and either your partner just can't see through her, or he just lets her get away with it for the sake of a quiet life. Either way, it puts a huge burden on you. I showed this post to the girls in my office (they're all Mums) and they all agreed that they wouldn't expect to have FOUR children deposited on them, just to suit the BM, and particulatly when their father isn't about. Your partner needs to realise how hard this is for you - good luck on that one (!) - and not allow his ex to dictate your life to such an extent.

Thanks Petal.

DP would have his kids here every min of the day if he could. So when his ex wants a "babysitter" he jumps at the chance of more contact.

He hasn't seemed to have realised that all this effects 2 other people now too though.

I think some of the problem lies with me being an only child and DS too.

I feel that we still need one to one time with each other alone. I don't mind if I only get that time once every 6 weeks (one day in the school hols) but I can't plan anything becuase ex won't tell him when he can have kids until last minute and then he re-arranges all his plans.

I tried talking to him and he has said that DS and I can go out now and again on our own and it makes no difference if his kids are here or not - but I feel it does. Sometimes I just want a quiet day to be at home with DS and watch a DVD and do games etc. Whilst I can do that if all 5 kids are here, it obviously becomes something completely different.

I enjoy having the time with all the children but I also enjoy time with DS, and to know that I can't have that because of DP and his ex is really making me feel uncomfortable, unhappy and powerless. Yes, I get a little while in the evening with DS, but after working full time, I might actually get to sit down for 20 mins with DS, if that, after chores are done.

DP said that "it works both ways" meaning that my ex sometimes lets DS down meaning that we may have to re-arrange plans, but it doesn't mean that things change, it just might mean we have to arrange a babysitter or that DS comes along with us to whatever we have planned. Easy with 1 12 yr old, not so easy with 5 kids.

Sunshine ? something you said in an earlier post struck a chord ? that your partner jumps at the chance to have his children at any opportunity, so doesn?t mind when his ex sends them in your direction. Which is fine in theory, but he doesn?t (like lots of men in his position) have any idea how much this affects you. And it?s not just one child, it?s FOUR !! If it wasn?t so frustrating it would be almost comical. So many absent fathers don?t seem to have a clue how big an impact their children have on their partners lives. And it?s this disparity in view-point that causes the problems.

And I also see your point about wanting one-to-one time with your son, and how your partner just can?t understand why the other four children around completely skews the dynamics of this.

But mjinhiding makes a very good point ? about acceptance. I don?t think you?re ever going to change the situation, it?s how you deal with it that counts. If you?re constantly trying to fight against a set-up that you?ve no chance of changing, you just get exhausted, upset and resentful. If can adopt a degree of acceptance, it takes some of ?fight? out of the situation, making it less draining. My situation?s hardly in the same league as yours, I have one stepson who visits on alternate weekends, and I?ve found that hard enough to get to grips with, so I just wanted to send you some positive vibes, and want to reassure you that you?re not the only one who thinks your situation is a challenge (putting it mildly).

It is of course completely unreasonable for you as stepmother to be required to be a full-service flexible childcare provider for your DP and his exW to suit their needs 24/7.

Put your foot down.

The rest of the holidays, DP will be around and will do the lions share of the running around for kids, but naturally if I am in the same home, I will be doing stuff with the kids. Cooking with them, helping them with stuff, reading bed time stories with the little one etc. etc.

So I know he would say that he is here, so he is looking after them. Like when DS is there, I do the lions share of looking after him. But with 1, I really do do it all. DS really doesn't inconvenience DP except maybe that the TV is on a kids channel for half an hour after he gets in from work. Whereas when his kids are here, I can't even get on a pc or watch what I like on tv and quite often there's not even room in the front room for us all. So his inconvenience when DS is here is minimal in my opinion, wherease my inconvenience is of course, multiplied by 4.

I moved in with my eyes open. I like the kids, I really do and I've spent a lot of time with them over the last couple of years and I know they like me too. Ds thinks the world of them - almost a bit too much because he doesn't want to see much of his friends anymore because he just wants to be with step kids. But even he has admitted lately how nice it is when we get some time together.

I knew it wouldn't always be easy and I knew I would take some time to adapt to things. I suppose I feel I just want to have a little bit of control over the situation I find myself in, even if that means I can dicate one day in 6 weeks when I don't have to have the step children in my home - any other time, I can accept.

I think I am beginning to understand that DP will never say "no" to having his kids, no matter who else that affects. He has even said before that he would have all the kids on a weekend we were going away as a couple and he would farm all the kids out to various relatives. Just so he could "have" his DSC rather than his ex.

I really don't think he understands that having his kids around, affects me and my life and DS too, but we are not to be consulted or allowed to make plans because his kids come first.

Good idea about the night out with DS.

I might make it a regular occurence.

Even if I can't get a day with DS, maybe I can make the most of the evenings.

Well, DP and I had a chat last night and after me telling him that I just want to be considered. That I am a part of his childrens lives too now and I won't stop him from seeing his children but it would be nice if it was on our terms and not on the whims of his ex. It would be nice if I could make plans for both when we have the kids and also for when we don't.

He then simply said "I will have my children whenever I like for as much as I can, as I don't see them enough"

I was also told that having DS all week (he sees him for an hour a day - as do I) is the same as having DSC for half the week. I must remember that when I'm cooking, shopping, washing....

So, I have to see if I can learn to live with this situation. I'm really not sure right now. I feel as though I have an urge to list all the stuff and time I do with DSC and point out the same he does for DS, but I know that is petty and not going to resolve matters. I want to enjoy my time with DSC helping them to grow into lovely young people in the same way I want that for DS.

I do know that when my ex lets DS down in the future, I am going to show that I am happy about that and not keep to any plans we had as a couple and get a babysitter rather than the disappointment I would have previously shown. Otherwise it shows DS that we change all our plans to accomodate DSC but not him.

I think this is a tricky one as I think it's great that your DP wants to see his kids as much as he can but that means he needs to see them and not be working all the time. Can he reduce the amount of time he spends working when they're there?
Re your DS sorry to sound harsh but you seem a little precious (and yes I know he's yours and I would probably be the same) but he's 12 not 5 and he should be big enough now to go to bed when he needs to and not try and keep up with others.
Your DSC are your DSC now and you need to do some soul searching I think as they're always going to be there but remember they will grow up and be less work.

I'd also make them do jobs around the house when they're there, all of them including your DS.