Weekend fun

[foolio]

DP has DD aged 9.

So far, she hasn't met my family. She's been invited to all my family get togethers but DP has said she feels shy and to address that, agreed we should have my family round to his house so that she is on her own turf, so to speak. There's a few kids in my family so it wouldn't just be her and lots of adults.

We arranged a dinner for my family at DP's house yesterday. I was slightly surprised when, at 4pm, DP took DD round to his mother's house.

DD had decided she didn't want to be there. DP defended her decision by saying that all the kids from his family were at his mothers and she wanted to see them. I should add, his DD has just spent a week on holiday with his family, so she'd only been away from them for one day.

I was embarrassed and disappointed. My family were genuinely looking forward to meeting his DD, there were kids there for her to play with, it was at her dad's house.

I don't know what else to do about this, but I feel as if DD is dictating things to DP. I ddidn't say anything to DP (I've learned the hard way, NEVER say anything about his DD), but I think he knows I am upset about it.

Sorry just wanted to vent.

Oh yes, I forgot we had the husband stealing in common too!

I agree about the need for a united front. I think I'm some way off it though.

Some headway has been made since his DD got her own phone though. She now chooses when she wants to see DP and went a whole weekend without answering his calls or coming to the house, which prompted DP to remark, she's nothing but a spolied little brat. Yeah, DP, and you made her that way! of course I said nothing!

Thanks for sharing though that things did improve for you. Gives me a bit of hope for the future. I am so impressed that you got an apology.

"All I can do is remind myself that her behaviour is not a reflection on me - not my child, not my problem"

OP you're right, it's not reflection on you...BUT unfortunately it most definitely is, and will continue to be, your problem. Tbh I think it sounds like an absolute nightmare given that you're over 3 years in, and if the 9yo is like this now it doesn't bear thinking about how she'll be as a teenager . Don't mean to sound harsh, but I feel really sorry for you in this position and it's worth having a long hard think before you have children or there will be no way back

I agree with ChocHobNob - are you sure this is really what you want?

Hi Allnew

It doesn't just sound like an absolute nightmare, it is an absolute nightmare. Maybe I am guilty of the same thing I accuse DP of, i..e burying my head in the sand and just hoping it won't get any worse.

MJ's posts always give me a bit of hope.

I am sure this is what I want. DP and I have been through hell in the 3.5 years we've been together (too much to post and not really relevant to a step parents' forum I think) but when I think about it, his DD's behaviour is tough but it doesn't compare to the worst things that have happened to us.

Foolio ,I often think this - why throw the baby out with the bath water? My DH is my Mr Right - my knight in shining armour - he's wonderful etc etc - except when it comes to dealing with 'you know who' and we get on so well in every other aspect of our lives. Why should I give that all up because of brat features.!!

It makes me quite cross when posters just say put up or shut up - or - you knew what you were getting into etc etc. You are right - if the whole package is mainly good - then its worth sticking at it.

suda don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely not saying put up or shut up and definitely I do not go along with the 'you knew what you were getting in to' routine. I'm a stepmother myself, and tbh sometimes I look back and wonder whether, if I knew then what I know now, whether or not I should have just run a mile (and I don't have the sorts of difficulties the OP is having).

I guess my own thoughts on this is why I sometimes err on the side of asking posters to think long and hard about it if it is all so difficult

foolio I agree, mrsj has certainly got some really good advice on these matters!

Hi all

Been doing some thinking.

I'm going to give it another shot with DP's DD.

Kids are coming round tomorrow to cook and bake. If SD does her usual with the you, she and her titles, I am just going to ask her, are you speaking to me? If you are, then could you please use my name?

and I will ask her to start saying please and thank you.

DP said he would speak to her about her stand-offish behaviour towards me (and it was he who pointed out to me!) but I don't think he will. I will try to be diplomatic and tactful!!

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted here. After last weekend I felt I was at breaking point again and I don't want DP's DD to be a wedge between us.

oh foolio - dont do too much of that thinking mallarkey - look how I turned out

ha ha good one!!