Weekend fun

[foolio]

DP has DD aged 9.

So far, she hasn't met my family. She's been invited to all my family get togethers but DP has said she feels shy and to address that, agreed we should have my family round to his house so that she is on her own turf, so to speak. There's a few kids in my family so it wouldn't just be her and lots of adults.

We arranged a dinner for my family at DP's house yesterday. I was slightly surprised when, at 4pm, DP took DD round to his mother's house.

DD had decided she didn't want to be there. DP defended her decision by saying that all the kids from his family were at his mothers and she wanted to see them. I should add, his DD has just spent a week on holiday with his family, so she'd only been away from them for one day.

I was embarrassed and disappointed. My family were genuinely looking forward to meeting his DD, there were kids there for her to play with, it was at her dad's house.

I don't know what else to do about this, but I feel as if DD is dictating things to DP. I ddidn't say anything to DP (I've learned the hard way, NEVER say anything about his DD), but I think he knows I am upset about it.

Sorry just wanted to vent.

How long have you been with DP?

three and a half years.

We're getting married in April.

Sorry, I think your DP is the one with the issue here. If you are getting married in April then she needs to meet your family and feel a part of it and it is up to your DP to make this happen.
When I was a step-child I found my step-mum's family overwhelming. Somehow I felt even more out of place/the odd one out amongst them.
I would suggest meeting two or so people from your family (your parents) rather than making her walk into a big gathering which i can see would be very intimidating.
Why not go to an activity she likes with your parents - bowling, mini-golf, cinema - so you can all focus on that and the meeting becomes almost incidental? The you could say to DSD, 'We're going to x activity next week and my parents will be there..."

Thanks for your advice. I really didn't know if I was overreacting.

Things are made a bit more difficult by the fact that my mum's dead. I know she would have found a way to make this work. My dad (well any dad really) doesn't really know what to say or what to advise. At the moment I can do nothing right for this child.

I don't even feel I can ask her to be a bridesmaid. Aside from the obvious issues with my family, she has yet to use my name (I am she, you, or her) and doesn't speak to me unless she wants her hair done.

I think my DP is scared of upsetting her, and I get that, but I feel that he lets her call the shots with us, which is hard going.

sorry I should have added, my "family" consists of my dad, my brother and sister in law, a five year old and a baby.

OMG. Sorry, I assumed you were talking about a crowd! I think you have to make some progress on this before you get married. Maybe you need some family therapy to help shift your DP? Your soon-to-be DSD will inevitably take her lead from him. He needs to recognise that there is a real problem here, that basically she hasn't even begun to accept you. Who knows, she may be hoping the wedding never happens? Her behaviour suggests that. I don't mean to be negative but you've been with your DP a long time. I don't think you are over-reacting. On the contrary, you seem to be the only one out of the three of you looking at this constructively - the situation sounds very tense and it would be wise to work on it before the dreaded teen years.

Thanks for your advice and I don't think you're being negative.

I have always thought his DD hasn't accepted the situation. She now tries to orchestrate events where her mum and her dad have to attend together.

I understand that I should say something to DP but his guilt rules his life. He is as scared of his daughter as he is of his ex wife. However I am well versed in the ways of step family rules and I have learned to keep my mouth shut on just about every subject.

I say nothing to him any more because I was constantly accused of over reacting. I post in here a lot just to get an honest and unbiased opinion as to whether I actually am.

Thanks again.

However I am well versed in the ways of step family rules and I have learned to keep my mouth shut on just about every subject.

That might be taking the rules a little too far. Are you truly happy living like this? I've read this thread a few times since you posted yesterday and all I could think of to write was "Are you really happy?" "Do you really want to get married and live the rest of your life like this?!"

If you're happy being a completely separate part of your partner's life to his child, then that's fine, but it doesn't sound like you are. 3 and a half years is a long time and it doesn't sound like things are going to get better in time, if you just leave it.

Separated fathers sometimes seem to fall into this trap of treading on eggshells when it comes to their ex's and children from the previous relationship, for fear of upsetting them and losing contact. It then makes their new relationships so difficult. I don't think I could live like that. I'd have to have it out with with him.

His daughter wont even say your name? And she wont change if her Dad doesn't point out to her that it be better if things were different. Good luck Foolio. Sorry I have no advice other than speak to him! x

Hi CHN

thanks for your post and I do understand why you have questioned whether I'm happy and whether I can live like this.

However I really have learned my lesson with DP on a number of points about his DD. I have the support of Dp's siblings who have all told me they think his DD is a very spoiled child and he lives in fear of her. They say the things that I can't.

All I can do is remind myself that her behaviour is not a reflection on me - not my child, not my problem.

I can see he is becoming exasperated with some aspects of her behaviour - it was he who acknowledged to me that she has never used my name. I felt relieved that he'd noticed it. I don't respond to her now unless she says please or thank you. I told her that I have a name too.

Other than that I really can't say anthing. The treatment of her is now causing divisions within his own family - she was bought a laptop, a Wii and an iphone within a month of each other, which upset the other children. his siblings think he has gone too far with the over-compensating guilt which drives him to do these things

Things are going to come to a head but I really can't be the one who says anything.

Honestly, I don't think step-family rules include the step-parent saying nothing. My DH, who is the step-parent here, speaks his mind. We discuss everything. I posted elsewhere about how he labelled some ice-cream (not as trivial as it sounds, more a symptom of a bigger problem than an 'ice-cream issue') and I objected, we talked and then I went off and labelled it!
This is his home, too.
You do need to be able to talk. It will be hell when she reaches the teenage years otherwise. And are you planning to have a baby?
The problem with saying nothing is that when you do finally speak up your DP is going to resent you for it.
Would you consider some counselling with him? Why is he so cared for his ex-wife and DD?

scared of

I have tried to say things in the past and it ended up in a full blown row, with DP and his DD on one side and me on the other.

His DD is very untidy and I came home one day to find her dirty underwear strewn across the bathroom floor. I got it in the neck big time for saying something.

Now I just don't bother and I try to remain detached. I've posted before about doing her ironing to then find every item of clothing she has at our house scattered across the bedroom floor.

We are planning to have our own family and I'm dreading it because I know it's going to be so hard for his DD, but I can't be the one to say anything.

As for why DP is so scared of the pair of them, his EW is not british and has in the past threatened to leave the country.

I would consider counselling, absolutely, but he won't do it.

Yes Foolio I agree with Nomedoit - we have been on a few posts together me and Nomedoit and we can both testify to the perils of living in stepfamilies where things havent been sorted. You might have nightmares but if you want to see what delights the future holds otherwise can I politely suggest you read the above mentioned post - hope you dont mind me suggesting this Nomedoit or you Foolio for that matter. Im sure I can speak for both me and Nomedoit (again hope you dont mind Nom..) when I say if its possible to spare someone all the angst these unresolved situations can cause then you would do anything in your power. Would go so far as to even warn my worst enemy !!

It's your home too though? He is the one being unreasonable for going off on one for commenting on his daughter leaving dirty clothes shrewn across the bathroom.

What will happen when you have kids? His daughter will be treated differently to your bio kids. Never pulled up on her behaviour while your children are? That will cause all sorts of trouble.

I would go to counselling on your own, just mention you are doing it but don't
pressure him. It sounds as if you really, really need some outside perspective on this, otherwise your future DSD and his ex-wife will continue to hold you hostage and DP will do nothing to stop it. Hopefully, he will join you at some point. Teens are truly awful at times and you have to be able to have a say in what goes in in your home!

I think your DP is being bullied by his EW and his DD. So by having a go at you for commenting on something in your own house which you are perfectly entitled to do - then I am sorry but I think he is responding in a typical way for someone being bullied - he is turning it on to you and bullying you to the point you feel you have to put up with whatever s**t his DD dishes out. You have to stand up to him - Im sorry and I know its easy to say - my DH used to be the same - but after Id refused to back down on a few things he did get the message - sometimes one of us would storm out during a shouting match and I really feared we would split up - but eventually any row - however big a ding dong it is - will peak and fizzle out - even if neither of you shift from your point of view then you sooner or later will have to agree to differ and even that will be infinitely better than you always backing down and not having any say in what is acceptable behaviour in your own house. Sorry if this sounds like a lecture its because I really do care and it makes me angry just reading about your rights being totally dismissed by someone who you are going to marry !!

Sorry Foolio im not suggesting having blazing stand up rows as a way to resolve differences just trying to make the point that you mustnt be scared into agreeing with something against your wishes. However bad the row gets just stick to your guns - however much he shouts just keep saying that you still hold your opinion - your not tolerating xy or z in your house and if that wont sink in -just say - we'll have to agree to differ - Im entitled to my opinion and you shouting at me will not change it. Again its easy to say but try not to rise to the shouting try and keep your voice on a normal level - makes your point much more effectively and gives DP nowhere to go with it really.

Suda, none taken, honestly. I really do appreciate anyone posting who's been in this situation.

And you're right about the not shouting bit. I have a terrible temper and I'm trying not to react to every situation with his DD as he just turns it around to be about my temper.

I suspect that an awful lot of it could be doen to his ex, maybe she is scare dof upsetting her mother.

I think she is. I think a lot is said about me in her mum's house and that is why she is funny with me.

Her mum refers to me as that f*cking whore.
Maybe she's heard her say it.

Five, I think you could be right.

I'm not in a position to offer advice, but I sympathise because many separated fathers spoil and over-indulge their children to ridiculous levels, and to the point where it makes normal domestic life extremely difficult for anyone else in the household.

Yes Petal02 very well said - and also they are doing pampered child a great disservice as well if only they could stand outside the situation and see it - creating a monster in fact

Mj, you've posted to me before about how similar our experiences are.

I've learned about the dirty washing and I did just what you did - I fired it back into her room. Her friend's coming round to play on Saturday and I think she'll be quite embarrassed showing her friend up to her room in the state it's in.

Like you, I now only wash what's in the washing basket. Same goes for DP.

I fully intend to do nothing with her on Saturday. DP said he would speak to her about her stand-offishness with me but I know he won't say a word. DP's nephew is also coming to the house on Saturday (he likes to cook with me and he is a joy to be around), so DP will need to make his own arrangements with his DD.

Thanks again