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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My home, my rules.... until step children arrive.

20 replies

thegingercat · 11/08/2010 07:45

DP and I had a brief conversation about Xmas eve and morning.

This will be the first year we will be living together and the DSC will be here.

DP talked of what they do and when I suggested changing something of their routine, I was told "no". Bearing in mind I have my DS and we have always had our routines and traditions at Xmas.

Sometimes I feel that this is our home and I make the rules... and then his children arrive and I have to sit back and let them do whatever they have always done (DS and I are living in DP's house).

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MathsMadMummy · 11/08/2010 08:00

that doesn't seem fair :(

what specifically (if you don't mind saying) did you suggest changing?

I guess your DP may feel guilty and therefore wants to make Xmas special for his kids but that shouldn't mean your own DS misses out.

there is plenty of room for compromise surely?!

I'm a stepmum and while I certainly wouldn't completely impose my kids' rules on my stepkids (with our own DCs we're very strict on junk food, TV etc) BUT when the DSCs stay they do abide by our house rules to some extent. it is a compromise and everyone's happy. e.g. we'll probably watch more TV and eat more junk food, but not as much as if they were at home with their mum. they're old enough to know different houses have different rules!

Original poster

thegingercat · 11/08/2010 09:24

It was when he told me that his kids get up at whatever time they want on Xmas morning - even if that means 3am. When I suggested that we make a change on that (meaning not get up til say 6am) that he said he wouldn't change that. MY DS wouldn't have been allowed up til 7am on Xmas morning. I understand he wants to keep traditions and routines but sometimes I wonder if he remembers that we had those too.

I think he thinks that I can do whatever I want when it's just DS, me and him (and he doesn't interfere) so when his kids arrive, I should take a step back and let him do whatever he wants. Maybe that would work if DS wasn't here when his kids are, but he is and he is starting to pick up the fact that he is treated differently on things like being made to eat breakfast whereas his kids can not have any if they want then eat crisps and biscuits before lunch.

To be fair, he has changed some of their routine a little bit since we moved in for example, he now makes them go to bed at 9pm ish rather than 10pm ish and doesn't wake them up at 6am on a Saturday when he goes to work and let them get straight on computer games! His "early rising" kids now sleep in til nearly 8am, now they are left in peace and have no reason to get up early.

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 11/08/2010 10:40

it sounds like guilt to me. difficult one really. I think a compromise like 5 or 6am would be fair, you and DS could always sleep til 7 anyway?

nomedoit · 11/08/2010 13:02

I would have a meeting nearer the time with you, your DP and all the kids. The best way imo is to make them feel they have decided everything. Make a time-line for Christmas Day in the shape of a Christmas Tree or something. Get everyone to go round the table and each suggest something to do on Christmas Day. Write it down, then pin it up. Maybe you could have a 'special' Christmas breakfast (they decide some of the food), then open presents and suggest you do it later so you can video it or take photos.
When my Dad remarried, we did everything step-mother's way and I resented it like hell - presents AFTER LUNCH FFS! She has no children.

greentriangle · 11/08/2010 13:13

I have to say that if this is the first Christmas that your stepkids come and they have always previously been allowed to get up at 3am on Christmas then there is no way you should try and change that. I come from a broken family and one of the things that upset my youngest brother was the fact that when my stepmother moved into our family home, he was no longer allowed to do things he has always done. Tread carefully - I think you should back down or prepare for a lifetime of problems and resentment.

nomedoit · 11/08/2010 13:32

But Greentriangle, if the OP does that she'll set a precedent. There is another child to consider here, not just the step-children. It's not going to work if everyone just does their own thing?
I think the hardest thing for any child is the feeling that something has been imposed on them and they have no say. That sounds like the situation with your brother and me. Everything changed overnight on the say-so of my step-mother and the first I knew was when it happened! But some change, so everyone is on the same page, would work as long as they feel involved.

DinahRod · 11/08/2010 13:37

There's accommodating other people's traditions and then there's just plain thoughtlessness to others. I don't see how getting up at 3am can be a 'tradition' and it certainly would test my ho-ho-ho cheer.

The one and only time we stayed with the ILs overnight at Christmas (sharing one bathroom so took at bit of time to get ready) by the time dh and I came downstairs at about 9am they'd opened all their presents!

How about coming up with some new traditions for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in 'honour' of your first Christmas all together family? There are some lovely traditions on suggested on here - search some of the Christmas eve/day threads. Get some input from all the children and dp.

And your tradition can be mine - that no-one disturbs your sleep/goes downstairs before 7am or whatever time is reasonable with really excited children, but they can certainly get dressed in their new Christmas clothes and open stockings/eat anything in their stockings FC leaves on their beds if they're up early.

nomedoit · 11/08/2010 14:35

Good idea. Let them open their stockings but the pressies wait!

BudaisintheZONE · 11/08/2010 14:41

I think this is an ideal opportunity to meld both your family's traditions. As others suggested - plan it. With the children. Let them make suggestions. They are all more likely to feel part of your melded family that way. And YOU may get to have the xmas you want!

Original poster

thegingercat · 12/08/2010 13:08

Thanks for the replies and the understanding from most of you that there are step children and my own children to consider here.

In an ideal world everything would stay the same for the step children but then everything would also stay the same for DS but it is him who has made by far the most compromises so far. Wouldn't it be nice to keep all the children happy?

I am going to talk to DP tonight about a new Xmas routine and getting the children involved. The trouble is all the children will probably say they want to get up at 3am (but be miserable for the rest of the day) and if DP agrees with this, then it just looks like I'm the bad person.

And to whoever said that DS and I could just sleep til 7am obviously hasn't lived in a house with 5 children - once 1 is up, the whole house is!

OP posts:

SpringHeeledJack · 12/08/2010 13:12

how old are all the dcs gingercat?

nomedoit · 12/08/2010 13:18

If DP is happy with the 3am thing then he can be the one who gets up while you sleep on. 3am is absolutely ridiculous. If they have to get up then it should just be for stockings. It does sound as if DP doesn't want to compromise much on anything?

Original poster

thegingercat · 12/08/2010 13:35

The youngest is 8, the rest are young teens.

I think DP thinks that I can do whatever I want when it's just 3 of us and I make the rules for my DS, but when his DC come, then he makes the rules.

But obviously those rules affect DS too. Not that DS would argue about getting up at 3am as he's a kid and would think it was great until he was dead on his feet by lunchtime.

By the way DSC will be going home to their Mum xmas morning whereas DS will be with us all day.

OP posts:

nomedoit · 12/08/2010 13:52

Oh I would do the whole thing on Christmas Eve, then. That's what we did with my step-daughter who used to expect us to get up on Christmas Day and be at her house at 7am to watch her children open presents . Did that for a couple of years then suggested they came over on Christmas Eve to get their presents. There was a bit of grumbling but it works...

SpringHeeledJack · 12/08/2010 13:55

I assumed they were little and was going to say "aww let them- they'll grow out of it by the time they hit 11"!

if they've been doing it for that long (ie it's their tradition) I think you'll have to consider going along with it this time and hope they grow out of it. Otherwise (and I know this isn't fair) you'll be the Bad Un who Ruined Christmas for ever and ever...

this one's bound to be tricky as it's your first Christmas all together. It'll get easier.

As for ds being overtired- why don't you have a kip on the sofa with him after lunch in front of the telly while dp clears up? That's what I do

JaynieB · 12/08/2010 14:00

You have to find a middle ground! I agree that rising at 3am is crazy, but equally breaking a family tradition makes you the meanie.
I have DD and 2 stepkids and over the years Xmas has evolved into a shape that suits us all reasonably well. I don't get lunch til the afternoon (my compromise) but then presents get opened in the morning (his compromise).
I think you need to tackle the deeper issue of two sets of rules though.

Suda · 17/08/2010 13:20

Can I suggest something that you may have thought of already but here goes. To stop DP going on defensive - and I know grown men can turn into lionesses with their cubs when you are the stepmother - how about putting it to your DP that its very important to you as its your first xmas living together that it works and everyones happy etc etc - because he is so important in your life and you see your relationship as long term etc. etc. so you would like it if you could regard each others kids as family - rather than 'mine and yours'. It just might distract from the - 'my kids rights v.your kids rights' maybe? if you make it more about you and him.

Original poster

thegingercat · 17/08/2010 14:52

Suda,

I hadn't really thought about doing it that way. It might work but then again, might it sound selfish?

I've always gone from the angle that it's about "all" the kids, not just mine or his, although I admit this is a hard one to say it's about "all" the kids as given the choice they would all choose to get up at 3am.

There's a bit of me that has just decided to let it go. It's only 1 day and I've gone without sleep plenty of times in my life, but I'm worried if I do that, I'll just resent the step kids dictating my life and schedule.

OP posts:

CheeseandGherkins · 17/08/2010 17:34

Maybe let them stay up late on Christmas eve to prevent the 3am rising? Also, how is that going to affect their Christmas day with their Mother? Is it fair to send them over exhausted and half asleep?

Petal02 · 18/08/2010 13:17

I think Suda makes a very good point here - rather than trying to have a 'your kids versus his kids' conversation, try and convince him that you want to do something that suits EVERYONE? Suda is also right when she says that men get very defensive very quickly when it comes to their children versus the step mother!

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