Am I over-reacting?

[rainbowdash]

DSS (14 yrs) has his own keys to our flat, as he comes round one night a week straight from school before we get home from work. He's generally a good kid & we felt he could be trusted. The only rule was that he never came over without letting us know first.

Everything was fine until saturday, when DP got home from work to find windows closed that we'd left open and a different game in the x-box from what he'd last played. When I went on the computer porn sites were on the drop-down menu of recently viewed websites.
When DP phoned him he said he'd just popped in to give back a DVD he borrowed, when asked why he hadn't told us he said "My mate was meant to text you" so we now suspect he was round here with friend(s).

I am furious. I have worked so hard over the last 6 years to build a relationship with him, and I thought I had done alright. TBH I feel betrayed, the thought that a total stranger might have been in my home really freaks me out. DSS is due to visit next in a couple of days and I don't know what to say / how to treat him.

What would you do?

rainbow dash,

As hard as it is, you have to change the mindset that it's only yours and DP's home.

Whilst I think SS showed very little courtesy to you and your DP, I think you are over-reacting.

I hate all this is my house shit...how unwelcoming is that?...does his dad belong to you too madmn52?

Its not shit - it is my house and my home. My own children respected that it was mine and their dads house - even though it was always their home. I am only commenting on the ownership thing because quite a lot of you are having a go at the OP for upholding the fact that her house is hers as though she's not making her DSS feel welcome by even daring to say that. Do any of you want a rude arrogant 24 year old freeloader who flatly refuses to accept any house rules and some of you would change your tune. I am talking very basics - eg - no friends to sleep unless we know they are there ! Switch off the cooker when you've finished. Lock the house when you go out ! He will not accept - like some stepchildren - and I emphasise some ! - that I have any authority in my own house/home. Am I being so unreasonable to expect to be able to leave my house and expect to come back with a fair to even chance its not been burnt to the ground or burgled because DSS couldnt care less about it and has no respect for his home (yes) but his dads and my property. And yes I most definitely would have a go at my own children - and did on a few occasions - if they did not respect these basic house rules. I'm not even going to credit the question as to whether I own my DH with an answer - ridiculous - own him ?? - five minutes on my own with him would be nice !!

Right.

First, my DSS DOES NOT have to "book an appointment" - he is welcome any time as long as he TELLS US HE'S COMING. This is so we can make sure we're there / up etc. as we both work shifts and are home at very odd hours.

At his mum's he isn't allowed his own keys or to be in the house if his mum / step-dad aren't there or to ever have friends round, mainly because when he has been trusted in the past he's let them down. Out of all his 4 'parent figures' I was the only one in favour of him having more responsibility, that's why I was so annoyed.

madmn52 you have got a point, it does wind me up that what I consider our family home DSS thinks is "Dad's house" and everything in it "Dad's stuff" but I feel so sorry for him sometimes I don't want to make it any worse. Even though he has apologised to DP but not me!