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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I over-reacting?

29 replies

rainbowdash · 10/08/2010 19:00

DSS (14 yrs) has his own keys to our flat, as he comes round one night a week straight from school before we get home from work. He's generally a good kid & we felt he could be trusted. The only rule was that he never came over without letting us know first.

Everything was fine until saturday, when DP got home from work to find windows closed that we'd left open and a different game in the x-box from what he'd last played. When I went on the computer porn sites were on the drop-down menu of recently viewed websites.
When DP phoned him he said he'd just popped in to give back a DVD he borrowed, when asked why he hadn't told us he said "My mate was meant to text you" so we now suspect he was round here with friend(s).

I am furious. I have worked so hard over the last 6 years to build a relationship with him, and I thought I had done alright. TBH I feel betrayed, the thought that a total stranger might have been in my home really freaks me out. DSS is due to visit next in a couple of days and I don't know what to say / how to treat him.

What would you do?

OP posts:

mumblechum · 10/08/2010 19:03

Um, I don't actually see that any harm was done, other than the porn thing which I suspect most teenage boys do.

So yes, sorry but I think you're overreacting.

fryalot · 10/08/2010 19:05

I agree with mumblechum - but you do need to make it clear to him that, whilst your home is his home, it is primarly your home and you don't really want him turning up unannounced or discovering that he's been there when you're out without you knowing he was going round.

booyhoo · 10/08/2010 19:05

well, as you haven't actually done anything apart from feel upset then i don't think you have over reacted. i can totally understand you feeling like this though. you trusted him and he broke the trust. how does your DH think it should be dealt with? if it were me i would speak to him together when he visits again. tell him how dissappointed you are that a) he didn't tell you he was coming over and b) he lied (he clearly didn't just drop a dvd in, he was obviously on the computer aswell).

i would be reluctant to remove his key as this is his only way of getting into the flat on that weekday when you aren't home. but you really need to impress on him that he has crossed a line and you need him to promise that it wont happen again.

Original poster

rainbowdash · 10/08/2010 19:23

Thanks everyone.

DH feels much the same as me.

The plan so far is, he will have to give his keys back until he's proved we can trust him again. When he comes round after school he can go to DP's work, wait there & come home with him. He can use the computer supervised for an hour a day.

He will have to earn our trust back.

Mumblechum - totally agree with you about the porn thing, I'd be more surprised if he wasn't! However it's the family computer which he has both downloaded & uploaded files to & I don't think that's ok.

OP posts:

Seraphina1 · 11/08/2010 12:59

Hi exactly the same thing happened to us when we were on hols in January.

I do not think you are over reacting in so much as its not the "thing" you are reacting to but the invasion particularly of strangers in your home and what "might" have happened.

Our 14 YO DSD was feeding the cat for us and unaware to us and her mum came up here to our house with her 16 YO boyfriend and his mate. Her mum foiled the plot and arrived at our house to take the shame faced DSS and BF home. However unlike your situation DSS lied and covered her tracks with mum (said she was going out with mates We were blisfully unaware.

I was very worried to start with and this was completely out of proportion because NOTHING happened. It is what might have, which freaked me out and also that two 16 yr old strange lads were in my house!! I had visions of facebook entries about parties..coming back to a vomit soaked carpet.. or worse..

We found out the next day and couldnt do anything much as we were abroad. DSS is an naive 14.My DH was angry with her for breaching our trust and lying to her mum.

It was slightly different in that the punishment had happened before we got home by her angry mother (she had her laptop taken off her for a month and the cat feeding duties were given to her sister).

However the good news was that it prompted a long talk with her about trust. You forget so easily how daft teenagers can be- even mature ones seem to live in the here and and now. I think sometimes we are guilty of crediting them with adult emotional intelligence? It turned out that she had nowhere to go in the village just to chill, she didnt feel able to talk to mum about it (mum can be very old fashioned). We opened up some lines of communication in that I made it clear that nothing would shock me, whatever it is she needed to talk about it was ok. She started the convo with me by apologising.

I do think you need to talk about it to your DSS. He needs to understand boundaries and about trust. The last thing I wanted our DSD to feel was shame and guilt (referring you your DSS accessing porn sites) about how she felt once she had explained why she did what she did. It will be something that you will refer back to and laugh about perhaps in the speech made at his wedding or 21st.

mjinhiding · 11/08/2010 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumblechum · 12/08/2010 07:58

I think it's your using the word "stranger" that sounds a bit odd, tbh.

If my ds brought a friend home while I was out, I wouldn't think of him as a stranger, but as a friend of ds's that I don't happen to have met. There's a big difference imo.

racheyh · 12/08/2010 08:20

I would congratulate him for being more safety minded than yourselves and shutting the windows before he left!

WkdSM · 12/08/2010 14:20

I think you need to talk to him and find out the truth - ie how long he was there and what he was doing. If he tells the truth then at least you know he has learnt something.
However, if he lies and says he wasn't on the computer etc then you need to show him the evidence (ie the timings on the websites etc via computer log).
We had this issue with my SS when he was living with us. It is not so much they have done something that is 'wrong' or they know is against the rules, it is the lying after it that is so damaging to the relationship. We ended up having to take all the power leads out of the computers if we left the house (hopefully it will not come to that for you).
Good luck with talking to him.
You might also want to get the computer virus checked by a professional as these websites can carry viruses that get around normal security software.

Xales · 14/08/2010 17:10

Wow so his dads house is not his home and he has to book appointments to come around!

You are betrayed at the poor kid coming round, doing no damage and locking up securely just because he had a mate around played on the games machine and looked at porn.

He sounds bloody good IMO for a 14 year old boy. Didn't destroy the house, drink all your booze, leave fag holes in the carpet.

Cut the boy some slack and chill out you are over reacting.

mememe30 · 14/08/2010 17:17

I feel very sorry for him. I bet he doesn't feel welcome at all if he has to make an appointment!!! Please don't take his key away.

usualsuspect · 14/08/2010 17:25

You are over reacting ,you should be pleased he feels able to come over to his dads house not take his key off him ..he never trashed the place did he

madmn52 · 16/08/2010 22:37

You are not over reacting. I wouldnt be happy if my own 14 year old son had other 14 year old boys round going on MY computer and looking at porn. If they only went on HIS computer or x-box or whatever I couldnt care less tbh. As the other posters have said he didnt trash the house and he had a friend round - so what. But I think the issue here is a common problem in the step-parent and stepchild relationship and that is the refusal of some stepchildren to recognise that you have any ownership of - well - anything really!! They seem to think that because you live with their dad that all your belongings become communal and they have a right to use it/abuse it as if everything in the house belongs to their dad or is for general use. Well I'm sorry to say that as a step parent you have got your own private personal belongings and space - as everybody has (or should have) for that matter. Not EVERYTHING is there even for your partners/husbands shared use - so why should it be so for their children. Step children - especially older ones - take note !

QuickLookBusy · 16/08/2010 22:57

I think you are over-reacting, all teenagers push the boundarys.

He should have told you he was there, but if this is the first time he has done this, I would cut him a bit of slack.
You say you have a good relationship with him, if you really go over the top about this, that relationship could be really damaged.

When he next visits, ask him why he did it, I would tell him you were disappointed with his behaviour, tell him you dont expect it to happen again, then forget it and hope it was a one off.

His relationship with his dad is very important, dont make him feel hes not welcome.

tiptree · 16/08/2010 23:04

Why should your stepson book an appointment to visit his home?

ladydeedy · 24/08/2010 19:08

Rainbowdash I am sorry you are getting a raw deal on here. In my opinion you are not over-reacting. You and your DH had an agreed arrangement with your SS and he broke it, and broke the trust. I think an honest conversation is called for (as others have suggested) to re-establish some boundaries and acknowledgement of them. Step parents get a hard line on this site, as you may have noticed! . I notice your DH doesnt get a raw deal, but somehow it is your "fault" for making SS feel unwelcome etc...

Petal02 · 24/08/2010 20:37

Rainbow - I agree with Ladydeedy. You are not being unreasonable.

Suda · 25/08/2010 15:41

I agree with madam52 - that is so true and can cause so much resentment by stepparents. I think some SC refuse to come out of the mindset of just them and natural parent. That is because I think they preferred it when they could be a complete sociopath around the house as their NP would never mind them helping themselves to absolutely everything. I remember having a 'nip in the bud' conversation with my DSS when he was a teenager. I asked him why he kept helping himself to absolutely everything and anything around the house which drove me nuts - and it was things that were very obviously not 'communal' - even a china cup my own DD bought me WITH MY NAME ON IT !! or my personal laptop. His reply was a shrug of the shoulders and re my cup his excuse was it was just the handiest at the time - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.. - and re my laptop his excuse was - it was lying around downstairs - grrrrrrrrrrrrr...even er !!.

I asked him why he thought like that - i.e. - everything is here for me me me and his reply was that - "well Dads always shred everything with us - Whats his is ours - he's always been like that and that's how he'll always be " !!! Now it might be me ! but can anyone else hear the defiance in that statement ! So I rest my case - and oh don't worry folks I put him right - as in - yes, but not everything here is your dads - some of it is mine and your Dads and some of it is mine - all mine - so MITTS OFF

Suda · 25/08/2010 15:43

Dad shared everything - even !

upsydaisy85 · 25/08/2010 17:27

Suda the MITTS OFF bit made me chuckle

ChoChoSan · 25/08/2010 17:32

I think it's fine to have rules, but he is a teenage boy, and you have to accept that from time to time he will do something you are not happy with.

The strong language that you use 'betrayal' 'furious' etc. makes me feel really sorry for him - he is not a hotel guest, but part of your family, and he is only 14

amberleaf · 27/08/2010 01:11

"Sorry as the mum to a 14 year old DS, with DSS 19 as well who lives with me as well, its a total overreaction, and your response makes it clear your home is not HIS home."

Agree

also the stranger part...it was not a stranger it was your step sons friend!

I feel v sorry for him tbh.

That said he probably has no idea of how you really feel towards him being in 'your' home.

dignified · 27/08/2010 01:54

Im afraid id be more upset at him looking at porn .

madmn52 · 27/08/2010 08:05

In response to some of the posts re: feeling sorry for stepsons living with us wicked stepmums who 'dont make them welcome' can I add to my last post that the house we live in was never DH and DSS's house . His dad and I bought that house together and DSS was already 19 and still lived at home with his dad and therefore moved in with us. Therefore I still dont think you were being unreasonable OP - otherwise five years down the line you could end up with a full grown adult version with same attitude as mine had towards your home. And yes it is your property (or jointly yours ?) as well as your home. I get the impression from some posters that there's a problem with thinking of it as yours and expecting others to respect that fact ??

amberleaf · 27/08/2010 09:31

madmn52, i dont think theres a problem with thinking of it as yours, MY home is mine, but its also my childrens home and will always be their 'home'
It is MY property, but their HOME.

I think some step children are made to feel welcome/part of the home even if it wasnt their home prior to the step situation.

In other cases it is made clear it is never going to be their home.

I have heard people complain about something a step child does in their home that i know they wouldnt bat an eyelid at if it were done by their own bio child.

I know there are lots of lovely step mums out there [i had one myself] but some will just always see it as 'them and us'

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