I need help with my step-parenting... It's not her, it's me!

[Nemofish]

I am so resentful!

I had an awful time as a child and growing up and I have managed to figure out what my fucking problem is and why I hate Dh's ex-gf so much. I don't hate her daughter, our dsd, you will be relieved to hear! But I am very resentful and I know I shouldn't be. I'm not sure how to stop.

Dsd is very spoilt (from her mum's side of the family) and has horses laptops and more, although no-one around here is minted. I was fucking fuming last Xmas when we forked out £500 for a horse (that her mums other kids will get to use, and which ex-gf will loan out and profit from, and which ex-gf will get money for if she sells it Grrr...) and our dd (4yo) got nothing from them. We bought dsd's 2 sisters a pressie each and one to share and they got dd nothing. I was more upset than I should have been, I know, and I know it's because dsd and her sisters get soooo many Xmas pressies from all the assorted aunties, uncles, and grandparents and dd has no-one apart from me and dh to get her anything.

I know dd doesn't care. She is the sort of kid that could get a balloon, a bag of sweets and a colouring book for Xmas and be happy and just enjoy the day... But it hurts.

I am jealous that dsd does very little for herself while she's with us, expects her dad to be her waiter for breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner, leaves her rubbish on the living room floor etc but I know that all that bugs me as my mother didn't cook for me past the age of 13 (dsd's age now) and I had to save up to buy my own clothes from pocket money!!!

Even worse we had dsd DNA tested when she was 7 and she isn't Dh's. As glad as I am that Dh has stuck around and not done a 'sod you, you aint mine' I am still resentful that he's not even her dad and he takes responsibility! I don't know who my dad is, but I do know that wherever he is, he is most likely a shitebag and has made little / no effort to find me. I know I'm being ridiculous and childish.

She is a sweet girl but my resentment is killing me. Since dd's birth our relationship has limped along and now I fear won't get any better, but I have to try.

Don't feel bad, I know exactly how to feel and I'm sure we're not the only ones.

My dsd is the same age and before me and her father got together she ruled the roost. She got everything she wanted, when she wanted it and to an extent, she still does. She's never been used to having to do anything for herself, DP was still packing her school bag every night for her up until the last summer holidays. He was getting her cereal for her, making her drinks - everything you would normall only do for a child upto the age of 4ish.

She's a bit better now, she packs her own school bag, gets her own meals (usually) but that "spoilt brat" streak is still there and I hate it. I get so resentful. DP and I will sit down to watch a movie and he'll get a text from her (from her bedroom) saying something like "dad, I have a headache, I need a drink" and he'll immediately jump up and rush her a drink upstairs or she'll text him and say "dad, I can't find my pen" and he'll rush upstairs to help her look for it.

I couldn't imagine having another child with him tbh, I'm sure it would make the situation a million times worse. You have my sympathy.

Thanks Forestry. At least dsd doesn't text her demands requests! Tbh I gave Dh an ultimatum before we started trying for dd, either he be prepared to spend the same on our dd as dsd, or to cut it out. Dsd at one point was getting whatever toys she wanted bought for her every single weekend, it was ridiculous. Dh chose the cheaper option of cutting back drastically and it's done dsd some good tbh, although she still has very high expectations and does give her mum grief if the latest phone / DSi isn't coming her way, but she treads much more carefully around Dh.

I have been a bit better recently, just because I have learnt to recognise what is happening.

Hi Nemofish,

I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. Am in a similar situation - dsd and dss that visit every other weekend adn at holidays, and basically dh's ex and her new hubby are much better off than us but dh seems to need to spoil them rotten with money, time and everything as he's not living with them. I understand how he feels, but it doesn't stop me seething with resentment. And then, I end up really hating myself. It's horrible, and contributing to the end of our marriage I think, although not the only reason.

I was so naive when we got together - thought I could totally handle the situation but have proved myself wrong. Best thing is to rise above if poss.

Good luck!

I know that there is a lot of guilt involved for the non resident parent, but it's damaging for the children. I worry about dsd getting older and moving out and not having a clue how to do anything and end up getting in debt and evicted and in court for non payment of council tax etc... But at the end of the day there is little I can do about it to be honest.

I just want our relationship to be better, I really do. It was easier when we thought she was Dh's, but now I have to admit that she is the daughter of a woman I can't stand and some (married) bloke she had a drunken shag with. And I know all this and I have to look the poor girl in the eye every weekend.

I think you need to get your DH to look at how much he is spending on her. £500 for an xmas present is just ridiculous for any child.

My DSS isn't spoilt financially but DH (and DSS's mum) does everything for him. Eventually I got DH to agree that we would get him to do stuff himself and it eased tensions.

I always think that you need to spend as much time thinking how to parent a stepchild and talk it through with each other as you would a resident child but often it isn't done.

I reckon it is hard being a step parent because you can feel like you have no say but you should whilst they are in your house.

We often say 'our house, our rules' and DSS responds well to that.

sorry I meant to also say it sounds like a very complex situation. Is she aware of it? It may be worth having some form of family counselling as that is lot to get over.

Ps I think the resentment is always there even when thinks are going well. I often am though know it is completely unfair and irrational. It would be good to know how to get rid of it.

I agree completely - £500 is ridiculous. He knows it. But dsd's mum put £500 in and they bought dsd a horse - she needed another horse as she had got too big for her other one, which is 'passed' down to her sisters now. Dsd has an old laptop of mine the year before, not the brand new one she expected.

We have told her now that we will not, ever, be buying horses or laptops, under any circumstances. Tbh had we not spent that £500, it would have cost us much more in the future, as dsd just expects to get whatever gadget or whatever that she decides she wants. At least this way we have spent mad money and will not do so again.

Dh is very laid back, and I am the anally retentive one. It's no dirty feet in the living room, as I have a light beige carpet and it's me that keeps it clean. Dh would let her walk around with filthy feet and never think about it. I can't really do my house my rules as I am already the uptight one. She is a good kid, forgetful, not very messy, thoughtless yes but then she is 13!

I am afriad of upsetting Dh by being in any way 'negative' about dsd.

I know what you mean about not being negative. It's partly that that makes it hard step parenting.

With my own DCs I can make comments about their bad behaviour/looks/character, get reallyh cross at them, find them annoying etc without feeling so bad about it. As it is known I love them without question. Thus I can let off steam.

But with DSS if I snap/shout/nag etc I feel like a shit parent for far longer.

• on the shoes front, I have a no shoes house policy and DSS doesnt and he follows it (as does DH now after 10 years!) not anal just practical.