How to cope with ex wifes malice

[firemansaminsanity]

My partner has been seperated from ex wife for almost 2 years. She got pregnant within weeks of him leaving by another man and claims she is blissfully happy.Yet we are regularly confronted with nasty texts and comments from the 5yo DD like

My mummy says that x and y are my family now and you (daddy) arent my family. X and Y are the new man and baby.

My mummy thinks you are a fat cow (to me)

Mummy told me not to be good for you (to me)

"I told mummy you told me off"- to which I replied. "Did you tell her why I had to tell you off?" She replied "Yes" and what did mummy say about it? "She said to carry on"

Arrgghhh How do you reply to stuff like this? I normally say stuff like thats not a very nice thing to say about someone is it? Daddy will always be your family (daddy had to walk away as he was visably upset) but you now x and y are your family just like me and DS are your family.

I am fed up with this woman doing this. To me it is a form of child abuse. Her DD is 5 years old FFS. She needs protection not cruel things filling her head.

The older 9yo DSS has said similar things on rarer occassions. Hes a bit of a mediator which we dont encourage as we tell him he doesnt have to be a go between - when his younger sister comes out with these comments he says "no she never- she didnt say that" and becomes angry with his sister. However as we explained you are not always with mummy and DSS so you dont know everything that get said just like she doesnt know everything mummy may talk to you about.

We know he is also pumped for info everytime he returns home- he told us after we asked him if he was okay as he was looking nervous one day after we had had a particulary good day. He burst into tears and said Mummy asks loads of questions as soon as he got in and we asked what he said to her. It transpires that she berates every detail and slags us off so he now tells mummy what she wants to hear.

Any useful advice? Have namechanged BTW.

Keep a diary of all instances when your stepkids say such things.
Keep a record of all abusive texts and phone calls.

Buy a voice recorder and if possible, record the children when they are repeating their mothers vile words or if they are being distressed by something mother has said or done.

Their mother is emotionally abusing them, you need to build up evidence for any court proceedings that will ensue.

You must stay positive and upbeat, you and your DP need to be a rock for those poor children.

To diffuse some of mums vile comments try to make light of them by saying "oh dear, your mummy sometimes says some silly things" and divert the convo/comment onto something else.

Does your DP have Parental Responsibility? If not he needs to think about getting it ASAP.

Thank you. We do need to start a diary really.

The solicitor has mentioned in a letter that she has told the children to misbehave which she denies.

He does have PR as they are married. If we had rooms I would be suggesting joint residency but we dont.

Nasty texts I would juct completly ignore. At one point DP was receiving them from his ex on pretty much a nightly basis. Since his policy has been to completly ignore them they've more or less stopped.

My DSC's have also on occasions come out with some things that theis mum's said mainly about DP (we're in a very weird situation where his ex seems to love me at the moment!). He's usually said things like 'well, that's her opinion and it should be up to everyone to make their own mind up'

We've also been told by my DSC's that mum doesn't think that we should have the rules we do here and have answered along the lines of ' there are different rules and expectations of behaviour in different places and what workes at your mum's house doesn't work for us here.'

I really feel for your DSC's though, it soulds like their mum really is being very cruil to them. Sometimes I think you just have to hope that at some point they'll be old enought to work out what their mum's like for themselves. In our situation my DSD1 has doen just that and has chosen to come and live with us.

She sounds like a head case!
try and view the texts as her problem not yours and concentrate on lots of loving with the children fun times and fun activities if they are having a good time and feel happy when they are with you they will soon work out whats what!

LOL MrsVWoolf....no the five year old isnt sending text messages- I would appauld her literacy skills if she was! Its the ex wife who is sending nasty text messages and the five year old who is coming out with comments that clearly mean she is her mothers spokesperson.

We have tried to make times with us as fun and interesting as possible- this is done on very limited funds. They are just not impressed.- they go on days out every other day in the school hols and at least one a fortnight in term time. We just havent got the money and are both firm believers in teaching children the value of money and would rather make sure they had food in their bellies and a safe warm environment to visit us.

The ex has been causing us further problems recently. She has cancelled mediation which has taken nearly 3 mths to arrange saying she cant afford it- mmm yet she has loads of money to flash about at other times when she wants to insult my DP about his income. She has offered to meet DP alone to talk about it- yet she is scared of him as he is alledgely a bully and violent (known him over a decade and actually its the other way round)

The DSD behaviour is getting worse and the DSS is being more withdrawn.

This is tearing my relationship with DP apart as I meant to be enjoying break off work with DS which is ending soon.

I have been a step mum three years now and as i understand it it is when things get tough and have an impact on my relationship with my husband that we draw closer together i do understand this isn't always easy but your relationship needs to be strong for the sake of the children and to be able to stand up to unreasonable behariour from anyone else esp. DERANGED mothers!

Interms of activities when i commented i didn't mean spending lots of money we also have very little money and find it take more thinking about but is still achievable we go on bike rides and forest picnics Walks and play games we cook and we go to the beach and we chill and chat. If when you say they are not interested it is up to you and your husband to show them the value of doing things which don't cost money. In our experience this enhances their value of money. Also we have a little pot that they keep here which our wider family know about and the children collect 20p's so when we do go out there is money for 'special extras' i.e. giftshops and sweets.

I do hope you find this helpful and not insulting as i know full well what ex's can be like i had her on the phone telling me to stop doing things with the children!

Its really not easy but everytime you get a cuddle and a happy smile that enough return to achieve a balance with her nastiness for me anyday

Oh I thought you said the 5 year old was texting too!

Oh yes and if she is saying he is a bully or abusive or anything like that don't let him go alone if it would antagonise at this stage if it was you then find someone else but dont give her any space for further missrepresentation and lies! :)

Chirpey- I dont want him meeting her alone but wouldnt stop him if he decided to- I just dont trust her- god knows what her evil mind will make up- probably that they want to reconcile and are having an affair LOL! I doubt any agreement about the kids will be made. He is scared of her and when they split up I wish he had gone to the police- he was covered in bruises and marks.

Your suggestions of things to do actually sound like what we do already- picnics are a good way of getting out and about and we do live in a tourist magnet area which means lots of free days out (except car parking which is crippling!)

No cuddles at mo and very few smiles unless grimaces count....hopefully time will improve things.

Also any suggestion on where to go next re formalising contact. Funding ends next month.