A little advice please

[BlueCollie]

Hello all, I have my 7 year old step daughter coming over for 2 weeks soon and only second time we have met. It went extremely well last time with her wanting me to climb over all the kids frames etc poor husband was left out and holding the baby LOL. I am basically after a bit of advice on how to handle it when she calls me mum...I'm sure this is by mistake but is it better to ignore it or say something???? I don't have a problem with it but feel that she already has a mum (evil witch that she is!) and I haven't known her long enough to have that privelige yet.

The other issue I have is that I don't want her taking anythng home as her awful mother will make her throw it away and I mean she will force her to throw stuff in bin. How do i explain why I don't want her taking presents/clothes home without putting her mum down. I don't want to stoop to the same level as her mother and put Molly in awful situations of hearing someone being slagged off. However, I do think she needs to know a certain amount about why we are asking her to leave photo's/gifts etc here.

Right back to painting her room want it looking lovely for when she comes over so that it feels like her space and her home too.

Thanks for any advice given

Just tell her that you want her to keep nice things in her room so she has nice things when she comes to stay. If necessary tell her that Mummy buys things for Mummy's house and you and Daddy buy things for your house.

It's very rare for my DSC to take anything back to their Mum's and NEVER are they allowed to bring anything from their Mum's here at their Mum's insistence.

I had the 'calling me mum' thing too when my stepkids were smaller. I was really flattered but I told DSD that although it was really sweet of her to say that, it might upset her real mummy. so they just call me by name and it was fine. actually it was quite tempting to let DSD call me mummy just to get one over on DH's evil ex, so I'm quite proud that I rose above that!

we used to have similar problem with throwing stuff away too. and once I sent a book for DSS' birthday and she stuck a label over where I'd written "to L happy birthday from E" and written that it was from her!!! never mind, he still got the book and loved it, which is the main point - but still I was

so, advice - with the calling you mum thing... if it's literally a slip of the tongue (like sometimes DSD calls DH mum out of habit!) just ignore. if she specifically wants to call you mum I think it's better to explain as I did.

I agree that you should just explain that some things stay at your house, be very light-hearted and matter of fact. 7 is just too young for an explanation of her mum's jealousy etc.

believe me there are loads of things DH and I would love to explain to his children about awful things their mum did, but at the end of the day it's their mother and we didn't want to get into it with them. I make a point of not saying anything bad about their mother even though she's said loads about me in the past. it's just something you have to accept I'm afraid. keep it amicable and when your stepdaughter is grown up she will understand and be very grateful.

HTH xx

sensible advice from sunshine. Never had that problem myself as my father and stepmother didn't buy me much!

On calling you Mum, I'd gently dissuade her. Maybe ask her what special name she'd like to have for you? Explain that although it's nice she thinks of you so highly, Mum is a special name for her Mum and her Mum is likely to be upset if she uses it for anyone else. It might slip out a few more times but think gentle reminders are the way to go.

ds1 is 9 and quite often calls dh 'dad', but then again he quite often calls me 'dad', or his dad by dh's name... i wouldn't get too worked up thinking it's especially meaningful.

My SD calls me Mum often. She's only 2 though and it's just a slip of the tongue. All we do is not make a deal out of it and correct her. She'll say "Mum. Drink please" I'll just say. "(My name). You would like a drink would you?" Just so she's getting my name reinforced.

Its confusing for her though bless her as me and H have 2 boys too and they obviously call him Dad and me Mum.

As for the taking stuff home, I would just say you'd like them to stay here so she's got her own things in her home with her other family.

The mum thing is an odd one, my DSD really wants to call me mum, she has 2 dad's and one mum but her mum wont let her call me mum even though she really wants to, im not too fussed what she calls me as she loves me no matter what. She mostly calls me by my name but tells people she has 2 mummys and 2 daddys. We asked her what she wanted to do and she said when she's with us I am her mum which is sweet.

My mother tells me when my sister and I were little we'd occasionally call our childminder 'Mummy'. She reckoned it was because a. we were very fond of her and b. it was a job title - at the point when we said it, Lynda was doing Mummy things. And probably because she had her own two boys with her and they obviously called her Mummy. My own mother was quite relaxed about it.

(And our childminder became part of our family even when we moved away - her boys are more like cousins to us than our actual relatives.)

But much more sensitive when it's a stepmother. Real risk of causing an issue with the child's own mother. So think it should be gently corrected.

How about how sensitive it is for the father.. it seems that it is ok for the child to have a step dad and call him daddy because the MUM wants them too... however it is a totally different ballgame for a step mum.. despite the child wanting to call her mum, she is not allowed..

I think it should be up to the child to decide and not one rule for the mum and one for the dad!!

BTW that last post wasnt meant to sound blunt I just see alot of how hurtful and threatinging it is for the mum to have a stepmum around.. but the dad is meant to be ok with a step-dad in the picture.

Anyways foot has been removed from mouth now

Thank you all. She did ask before I had even met her whether she could call me but I told my husband to say Sam is fine. Her mother is a pyscho at the best of times and have been worried that if DSD tells her she has called me mum then all hell will break lose and she would also punish DSD and hit her so I'm glad to hear that it's okay to keep saying that just using my name is fine.

Room all painted...lilac.... not what I would have chosen but DSD did so lets hope she likes it on the walls LOL

glad to hear it's going OK, Blue. You sound like a very caring stepmother.

Stacey, no-one has said 'you can't call a stepmother Mum but you have to call a stepfather Dad', have they? As far as I'm concerned it would cut both ways.

Edam.. Her BM told my step daughter that. In our eyes it cuts both ways but unfortunately her BM thinks she is the only one who can make a decision about SD's life. Her real dad isnt allowed a say in anything she does, but thats another ball game for solicitors to sort out.

As I said it doesnt bother me what she calls me, but it really upsets her, she's nearly 5 and has been in tears before becasue of things her mum has said