Am I a freak if I don't have a desire to see DSD?

[namechangingchick]

I have namechanged as I think I may get flamed for this but here goes....

I have a DSD who comes over on the weekends, and although there are sometimes problems, we get along really well.

But I've just never really felt a strong desire to want to be in her company. TBH, when the weekend is over I feel a sense of relief that she has gone. I've always thought that I do love her, but if I didn't see her for a few months or something, then it would not bother me in the slightest. Does this mean that I don't? Obviously that has never and would never happen, but I just want to know if anyone else feels like this? Or am I just a cold hearted witch?

maybe you should arrange, if your DSD's mum doesn't mind, some one-to-one time with your DSD?

I found my bond with my DSCs increased when we started having them to stay in the holidays, and DH went off to work as normal. we used to do fun projects and go to the park etc. now they prefer my company to DH's! he'd get home and they'd say, yeah hi dad, c'mon MMM let's carry on our game.

oops.

and BTW don't feel like you're a freak, after all she's not biologically yours and you can't expect to feel the same as you would with your own DD. but it is something that you should work on.

I don't see why anyone would expect you to want to see you DSD. i feel the same about mine.

Happy to see her, happy to see her go. How could you ever feel the same way about someone else's child compared to your own?

I don't particularly WANT to see my in laws either, and I don't expect my DP to WANT to see my family either. It's the same thing.

I've tried to spend more time with DSD one on one. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.

Thanks for the replies .

Thing is, I don't know if I want to feel any differently. I am exactly the same as foolio - happy to see her, happy to see her go - completely indifferent. I have a DC of my own who I love unconditionally with all my heart, and tbh at the moment I don't want to share that love with anyone else.

I have tried spending one on one time with her, and it's been pleasant enough, and different to the norm, but not something that I would exactly be excited about.

I would obviously never ever let her know my feelings, but I just don't know how to deal with these feelings for the foreseeable future.

The only reason I ask is that there seem to be a lot of people on here who seem to think that as a stepmum you have equal responsibility as the other parents and should feel about and treat your DSC's exactly the same as your own children. I just can't seem to change the way I feel and I wondered if I was abnormal or something.

feel the same about - no.

treat the same while they are there - yes.

Obviously I would always treat them both equally when they are here. But for example, if I was away from my son, I would want to call daily and check how he was, however I do not give a second thought to how DSD is when she is away from me. God it's sounding really awful, but I am just being honest as I don't feel I can be in RL.

I think I am very lucky, compared to a lot of other stepmums, to have a close bond with my DSCs. I love them, I worry about them, I want the best for them, they tell me things that they don't even tell their actual parents. They are also fantastic with my own DCs and it's amazing to see them together. But they will never be my children and I think it's unrealistic to expect that a stepparent feels EXACTLY the same about them as their own flesh and blood.

I love them loads, perhaps more than a lot of stepparents seem (on MN) to love their DSCs, I guess the way it differs is that it's not so unconditional. and it's a sort of physical, I guess hormonal attachment I have to my own DCs - y'know that feeling in your chest when it actually aches with pride? and you just can't believe you created them? I do feel proud of my DSCs of course but what I'm trying to say is it's not quite in the same natural sense.

I am not a step parent, or a step child, but I think she'd probably appreciate time on her own with her dad, so I won't flame you!

it's not as though you would be unkind or irresponsible. Don't over-think it. JMO

I won't flame you - I rarely give my stepson a second thought when he's not with us. He's a decent lad, but we have no biology, and the only thing in common we have is my husband. As someone said earlier, you wouldn't expect your partner would enjoy having his in-laws to stay every other weekend (imagine that!!!!), and probably doesn't give them much thought on a daily basis. And it's just the same with step children.

i am not a step parent but i can completely se why you feel like this. your comment regarding, if your ds was away you would ring and see how he was but you dont feel the need to do that when she is away. well that is because she is with her mother when she is away from you, you don't need to see how she is because she is safe and loved and happy with one of her parents. and you are your ds's mother so of course you would ring.

I think it sounds like you have a good relationship with her. the fact that you don't miss her or wouldn't care if you don't see her is, i think, probably because you know she already has two parents fulfilling this role. she has no need for another mother, just a step-parent. if she was having a rough time with her mum i imagine you would be concerned for her or even if it was just bullying in school or something. it is probably the fact that she already has these needs being met that you haven't taken up the role yourself.

Feel the same as you Namechangingchick! Not even sure I particularly like my DSD sometimes, let alone love her. I never miss her not being with us and happy to see her go. It is partly because my DH over indulges her (whole new MN step parenting thread!) and I think she is a bit of spoiled brat at times. The only thing that makes me sad is seeing my DH unhappy because he is missing her.

I guess if she had a miserable life with her mum I might feel differently, but she has a happy stable family life with mum and is doted on by numerous relatives - I just don't feel she needs my "love". I am kind to her, spend time with her and encourage her in her school work, hobbies etc but I feel for her like she was one of my friend's children - I have an interest in her but quite frankly she is my DH and his ex-wife's concern not mine.

So, there you go - you are not alone!

Me too - had a lot of problems with DSD being difficult/demanding/spoilt brat over the years. If it was my own child acting like that, they would be pulled well into line, but you can't do that with DSCs. There seem to be a lot of posters on mn who automatically think that stepmothers should be burnt at the stake if they don't treat their DSCs the same as their own children - but I don't feel comfortable with giving my DSD the amount of discipline I feel I would give my own child, so yes I do treat her differently. I constantly get told not to step on the mother's toes so I don't, but it makes it hard to bond. Her dad lets her away with murder too and I honestly feel it is for the worst in the long run.
You are not alone OP.

I found it hard to come to terms with the fact that DH doesn't feel the same about my DS from a previous relationship as he does our DD.

But it is natural and I think I would feel the same if he had any dcs of his own.

I do expect him to treat Ds with respect , tolerance and understanding and if he couldn't, then that would be a deal breaker- and I expect DS to equally treat him with politeness and consideration.

They seem fond of each other , and DS looks up to him, but I wouldn't call it love.

It's made easier by the fact that Ds is 8 and DD 18 months but there are always going to be extra hiccups along the way I think. Step families def. harder work in general, though.

You are not alone Namechangechick and I think it very sad that you felt you had to change your name to express your feelings

Tootingbec said everything I would also say

If you are a cold hearted witch then Im ready to be burnt at the stake with you :)

Definately not alone! You should look at the website childlessstepmums.com which by the ways is open to stepmums with their own children. Also read Stepmonster by wednesday martin - what you feel is totally normal.
My SD has been away for about 3 weeks and I am so much more relaxed and happy in my home - I always feel on edge and like I'm being judged by DH and SD when she is here. It wouldnt bother me if I didnt see her for 6 months at a time which I know sounds harsh but sometimes I dont see my best friends for that long!!
Dont worry - I am tired after 10 years of tearing myself apart about not loving her to get upset by things anymore. I do care how she does, I do cook and clean etc but I am not her parent and I dont need to be - she has a mum and a dad!

You are definitely not a freak. Good, responsible set-parenting doesn't require you to want to have the child(ren) around and it would not necessarily be better for them if you did. In fact, it's very good for them to spend time at home with someone who doesn't object to them being there but doesn't necessarily need their presence to make their life whole. One day they will grow up, live with other people, and probably benefit from having lived with someone (you) who didn't see them through rose-tinted spectacles.

I am not a step-parent but am married to someone who is, and the virtues of a good step-parent are seriously underrated, and IMHO are nothing to do with gushing over your partner's children.

I think unless your stepkids are with you most of the time and have been since pre-school age then this is normal. They aren't your kids.
I agree that they should be treated equally.

On the other hand I don't see why a teenager should be expected to look after a baby. It wasn't her idea to have the baby and I wouldn't have liked being used as a free babysitter if my parents had decided to have a baby when I was in my teens.
Babies are boring, finding the baby boring and wanting to put it down after 5 minutes is normal.
It's a shame about the cancelled weekend though and she should be helping with cooking and other stuff even if she's not keen on baby watching.
If your husband won't back you up on this though for fear she won't come there's not much you can do, sadly.