Any Solution To This?

[midori1999]

I am at my wits end. I have enough going on in my own life at the moment, and now more problems with the ex...

DSS is 13 1/2. We would like him to come and stay with us during the holidays. DH spoke to his ex about contact weeks ago. She told him DSS didn't want to come and stay with us. DH decided to ask his son who says he does want to come and stay here. So, DH spoke to ex again and she then said he was going behind her back and that DSS wanted to go on a trip with Scouts and might not be able to come and stay because of that.

We waited and waited to be told when the Scouts thing was and the ex avoided finding out. Tonight she has said DSS cannot come and stay with us as he is allegic to our cats. He is allergic to them and has Asthma. Last time he stayed here we solved the problem by keeping the cats confined to our bedroom and giving him Piriton. This seemed adequate at the time and we suspect the ex is making excuses. She wants DH to visit the children (also DSD who is 18) there, but for various reasons that isn't possible.

So, DSS is staying he want to come here. Ex is saying he can't. Is there anything we can do at all or is it just up to the ex?

I have told DH to simply tell DSS that we both want him to come and stay, but his Mum won't allow him to and explain the reasons why he can't visit there. I don't really see what else we can do and we know the ex will bad mouth DH to his son if we don't explain what is going on. I feel he is old enough to understand and maybe once he does know what is going on the ex will be more inclined to allow him to come and stay.

Any ideas?

DP and I have been in exactly the same position. She is saying kids don't want to come but when he asks them, they say they do want to come!

If they really don't want to come, I wish she would teach them to tell us that! The eldest is 14 years old and has deliberately lied to our faces about it and then afterwards said it was because it was "easier" than telling the truth. But at least we knew then, that at least on that occassion, she didn't want to come.

I agree with you, that there isn't much you can do. Do you really want to chance going to court for contact with a teenager who may or may not want to come? Unless you have some certainty from him and he is adamant, I'm not sure what you can do apart from telling him that you want him to come but his Mother is giving x, y or z reason why he cannot come.

Thankyou for replying.

I believe in DSD's case that may be what is happening, but DH and I are pretty sure DSS does want to come here and visit. He gets on extremely well with my own DS, who is very close in age and we do have a lot of pets, which DSS absolutely adores and loves asking me about/helping me with. That said, DSS is very close to his Mum and if he senses she didn't want him to come here, then that may affect his views.

I have repeatedly suggested DH see a solicitor about access. He has never been happy with the arrangements to see his children and his ex won't budge. We are wondering just how much a solicitor/courts could do now though, due to DSS's age? I do think maybe mediation would be the first route, but DH doesn't think his ex would attend, it seems she is hell bent on being awkward.

Well, now his ex is refusing to answer the phone, so DH can't even discuss access with her.

DH has spoken to both DSS and DSD on their mobiles and they both insist they want to come and stay and they have also both said they don't think their Mum wants them to come here. On top of that, DSD has said that their Mum frequently tells them that she is always 'on' at their Dad to see them, but he never wants to.

Luckily, DSD is 18 next month, so we will be making arrangements directly with her from then on. She is happy with this. She tried to discuss things with her Mum, who told her neither of them could visit due to DSS's cat allergies. DSD disagreed with her and then got a lecture from her Mum's boyfriend about how she 'doesn't understand adult things'. Surely she only needs to understand cat allergies, FFS?!

We are seeing a solicitor tomorrow re: access to DSS. We just don't believe his mother is acting in his best interests sadly. I am not sure if anything can be done, but we feel we have to try.

Good luck Midori - you always come across so level headed about issues to do with step parenting.
I really hope this gets resolved and your DSC get to do what they actually want to do.
x

At 13 1/2 I think your SS is old enough to know the truth of why he isn't allowed to come and stay .... but....

Be very sure that your SS actually wants to come to you and isn't just making excuses and getting his mum to back them up because he wants to stay in his own area and go on trips with scouts.

If however, the ex is just being obstructive, I would arrange with the SS directly when he is coming to yours and simply pick him up, making sure you tell his mother very clearly when he will be brought back.

Thankyou for replying.

EMS23 thankyou, but I am not always reasonable at all. Sometimes I just want to scream and give the ex a good shake. Myself and DH have a good relationship with my ex and it makes things so much better for the children and I suppose I just wish things could be the same with DH's ex.

Colditz, we are pretty certain that DSS wants to come and stay. He is very close in age to my own DS and they always have an absolute ball together, and DSS loves helping me cook and joining in all the outdoorsy stuff we do. I also think he doesn't want to miss out on the Scout thing, but it appears his Mum has made him think that it is a case of one or the other. It seems now she has also told him (possibly when he questioned her about why he couldn't come) that he can't come anyway as he hasn't got an up to date passport. It is just one silly excuse after the other and on top of previous history it is blatantly obvious she is being obstructive.

mjinhiding We have seen the solicitor today and it seems we will have to see an English solicitor if we wish to take things further than letter writing. (we are based in Northern Ireland). However the solicitor did say that due to DSS's age the courts are almost certain to go along with what he wants. She also seemed to think it was not unreasonable for DSS to travel over alone on a plane from England, especially with his sister as she will of course be 18 next month and he will then be travelling with an adult. She did say problems can arise over who pays for transport etc, but that has never been an issue and we are happy to pay for flights etc.

So, DH is going to sort out a solicitor in England tomorrow. I am so sad it has had to come to this. DSS will have to be interviewed by a CAFCASS officer and it all seems a bit unfair really.