Arguements every time we have SS, how do I make myself like him??

[SquallyRose]

I just don't know what to do anymore, DH and I have 1 DD and one on the way and he has a 6 yr old from previous relationship and I just really dislike this child and I hate that I feel this way about him but try as I may I just can't seem to like him, as a result I dread weekends when he's coming, end up really uptight and arguing with DH over stupid things, which compounds everything and makes me dread him coming even more.
The child is not very well looked after at home, ignored or spoiled and badly behaved, also very immature, my DD is 1 and there isn't much difference in them needy wise, he's so bad mannered though and DH is so worried about putting him off visiting that he responds to all his negative demands for attention and so the child gets away with being a total brat and I worry my own children will grow up thinking they are loved less because they have boundaries and I would never put up with the same behavior from them.
We are not in a position to go for full custody, financially or house wise and to be fair, the idea terrifies me as I think it would finish us as a couple
I have known him since 3 and he's just got steadily worse, ironically the only time I get on with him is alone, he doesn't have anyone to play off and so responds fine to discipline (I use the naughty spot) and positive rewards, basically if he's naughty he gets no attention from me and if he's good I do loads of fun stuff with him and he responds really well and I actually like being around him. I just can't get my DH to do the same though and I think in a few years he is going to be uncontrollable, his mother has massive problems with him, he thrown tantrums etc and basically gets whatever he wants and I don't want that in my house, we can't afford it for one thing and it really annoys me that he has no respect for property coz he thinks if he treads on it he'll just whine til he gets another.
So, how do I get DH to join with the discipline and how do I get my head round starting to like the boy, if I wasn't with DH I would happily never see him again but I love my DH and he's his son so I want to have a happy family and extended family as necessary but I just don't know how to achieve it, I did suggest DH took him out alone but felt so guilty that DH felt he couldn?t have his son at home that the first week I rang him and said sorry and asked him to bring him back to ours

We go to parent evenings but to be honset they don't seem bothered, it was his nursery that wrote to his GP asking that he be referred for speech therepy as at 3 you couldn't understand most of what he said. Now you can get most of it but he can't say th or r amongst other things, Mother refused the therepy through the doctors.
My husband spoke to school about his speech and reading/writing as after 2 years of school he can just about write his name and then gets half the letters backwards and can'r read at all, mainly I think due to being unable to identify the letters, his writing is awful too but he has no pencil control, couldn't draw a basic circle to obviously struggles with more complex letters and his artwork is just squiggles and really on a par with my 1 year old. School just said he'll catch up eventually and to be seem far too relaxed about it but then maybee I'm worrying unduly?

hopefully you can get DH on board with the discipline, really sit down and talk about it fully. he's not too young to understand that different households have different rules, and just because his real mummy lets him do certain things, it doesn't mean he can do them in his daddy's house.

I can sympathise with your DH a little, my DH has 3 kids with exW and of course the guilt at being a NRP is astronomical - especially if DSS doesn't have a good life with his real mum. that comment about the wrong mummy's tummy made me want to cry

but it is vital that your DH provides discipline. my DSDs have grown up knowing that we have different rules (they were 4 when I met them) - things like spending all day in front of the TV, insulting each other etc are tolerated more by their mum but they know they can't do them here, and it's good for them to have that boundary even if they don't get it from their mum.

children need boundaries, it is a parent's responsibility even if he doesn't live with the child. your DH needs to realise that he is the child's father, not his friend IYSWIM.

sorry went on a bit didn't I

anyway, before anyone thinks we're uber-strict and their mum is lax, that's not really the case. we try and be firm but fair (cliche I know)

when I first met DH we took the kids bowling. DSD who had maybe just turned 5, put her hand into the conveyor bit where the balls come back out obviously I grabbed her hand and pulled it out, no harm done thank goodness, and I knelt in front of her and (somehow very calmly) told her she mustn't do that, she could have really hurt herself etc. a few minutes later she was crying to her dad and I thought oh shit, I've really upset her, she'll hate me etc... nope. turned out she was upset and confused: "why didn't she shout at me for being naughty? mummy would shout"

sorry I've waffled again, what I'm trying to say is, disciplining a child doesn't mean shouting, it doesn't make you evil or mean you don't love your child, it is just doing what you're supposed to do. sounds like DH doesn't want to discipline him because of guilt.