Arguements every time we have SS, how do I make myself like him??

[SquallyRose]

I just don't know what to do anymore, DH and I have 1 DD and one on the way and he has a 6 yr old from previous relationship and I just really dislike this child and I hate that I feel this way about him but try as I may I just can't seem to like him, as a result I dread weekends when he's coming, end up really uptight and arguing with DH over stupid things, which compounds everything and makes me dread him coming even more.
The child is not very well looked after at home, ignored or spoiled and badly behaved, also very immature, my DD is 1 and there isn't much difference in them needy wise, he's so bad mannered though and DH is so worried about putting him off visiting that he responds to all his negative demands for attention and so the child gets away with being a total brat and I worry my own children will grow up thinking they are loved less because they have boundaries and I would never put up with the same behavior from them.
We are not in a position to go for full custody, financially or house wise and to be fair, the idea terrifies me as I think it would finish us as a couple
I have known him since 3 and he's just got steadily worse, ironically the only time I get on with him is alone, he doesn't have anyone to play off and so responds fine to discipline (I use the naughty spot) and positive rewards, basically if he's naughty he gets no attention from me and if he's good I do loads of fun stuff with him and he responds really well and I actually like being around him. I just can't get my DH to do the same though and I think in a few years he is going to be uncontrollable, his mother has massive problems with him, he thrown tantrums etc and basically gets whatever he wants and I don't want that in my house, we can't afford it for one thing and it really annoys me that he has no respect for property coz he thinks if he treads on it he'll just whine til he gets another.
So, how do I get DH to join with the discipline and how do I get my head round starting to like the boy, if I wasn't with DH I would happily never see him again but I love my DH and he's his son so I want to have a happy family and extended family as necessary but I just don't know how to achieve it, I did suggest DH took him out alone but felt so guilty that DH felt he couldn?t have his son at home that the first week I rang him and said sorry and asked him to bring him back to ours

This poor lad. Try and see it from his position, I bet he's incredibly confused. He'll pick up the fact that you don't like him. I think you need to start again and get to know him, he's going to be around for a long time and he's a child. Spend some time finding some common ground, take him bowling. There's a lovely child in there somewhere. It's going to be hard if the adults are not singing off the same song sheet though as it's just going to make the child even more confused. You need to sit down with DH, lay down the rules.

He is confused, I know when my baby was born he was watching one day as I was cuddling her then went to his dad and said Daddy, I think I came out of the wrong mummies tummy, its hard as I know he doesn't get much love at home and I want to love him as much as I do my on babies but the constant rows with my DH and upset over his behaviour gets in the way and I know its worse since the baby as I am more aware of the damage it could do her. The other proplem is his mother accused me of abusing him and I was investigated by ss, it was because DH took her to court over access and she was told he was being reasonable and would probably get it, basically a last shot at ruining our chances but the impact on me was horrific and I really though her lies could loose me my baby and since then I have not dared touch him or be alone with him despite Social Services saying it was obvious lies and carry on as normal

How about having some house rules that you, DH and your DSS discuss - plus a list of thing DSS would like to so with you at the weekends. You can talk through with him which ideas you all think will work and which won't.

Honestly go back to how you used to treat him, it probably made him feel much more loved and secure.

you don't dislike him, you dislike his behaviour.

You sound as if you are trying very hard and there is clearly a bond ( the wrong mummys tummy for example)

There are two issues, his behaviour can be sorted easily, talk to your husband, drum it into him that you want to be a family and that means agreeing boundaries for all kids.

The other s your fear of ss, I think you need to folow their advice, they have told you in no uncertain terms that you are not under suspicion, listen to that and concentrate on building a bond.

I know how you feel, I am a step mum.

Wow, I'm not surprised you are finding things tough, you'll have all of this on your mind all the time I don't know how mature he is at 6, there comes a point where he can understand that the two homes have different rules and different ways of working so it will get easier as he matures. I'd emphasise that your home is his home, he is loved, wanted and is safe. His mother has issues, I'm not surprised he's confused and angry if this is how she behaves. Have you thought about seeking the help of a child therapist for him?

We would love to get him a child therapist but his mother would never agree, he needs speech therapy but she won't even let him have that, we are looking into the possibility of ways of forcing her to as he really needs some help with speech and is very behind on reading and writing etc and it doesn't seem fair, while everyone isn't a genius we think he should get as many chances as possible.
My DH doesn agree with me that boundaries need to be set when he isn't here, the problem is putting them into practise when he's with us and DH just accuses me of being too strict etc and we argue because he disrespects me in front of the lad which makes his behaviour worse as he deliberately sets out to annoy me knowing his Dad will back him grrr.
My DH isn't trying to cause problems but has fought hard through the courts to see him so wants it all to be fluffy and lala where as I find we do less with him because his behaviour is bad than we would if he could be trusted to behave.
I just want to enjoy the time he is with us as a family, I know it won't be perfect always but the feeling of dread currently starts seeping on wed eve and we've got him all week next week and I'm considering
going away to hide from it all. I don't want it to be like this and I'd like him to feel happy with us, also its not nice for my hubby being torn but I feel like I am the only one making any effort and that my concerns are of no importance at all

It's classed as neglect for a parent not to seek medical help for their child.
Every child needs firm boundaries, it's how they feel safe and secure. Would your DH go on a parenting course? They all say the same thing.

I tried to get DH on a parenting course but although he initially agreed the only ones we could find we week days and he couldn't get the time off work, 1 morning a week for 10 weeks so regular commitment, he also has acute depression so motivation isn't a strong point.
If he were my son I would have involved SS a long time ago over the way his mother looks after him as I think its awful but with his depression DH is staying away from the ensuing grief and to be fair, after what she did to me I'm not being the one to report her. The docs have loads of records of missed specialist appointments and stuff,I don't understand why someone hasn't filed a complaint before

Yes drag your dh on a parenting course, buy him some parenting books.

When your dh undermines you I would actually say ask him there and then "why are you undermining me, you agreed the rules were x y z" hence why I think a family discussion and family rules should be discussed and signed up to.

It will be intresting to see what your dss thinks should happen if he is naughty/answers back/other specific things he tends to? He will probably suggest punishments!

You can report her annonymously. It's not malicious, this little lad needs some support and the mum sounds like she's struggling aswell. Depression is really hard to cope with, the apathy that your DH has is a result of depression. Has he been to see his GP? Counselling?

I guess the biggest problem with SS is he hasn't really go any idea how he should behave. I told him off for telling lies a while ago and he said something like is that wrong then!! His mothers idea of dealing with him is to let the TV bring him up (sorry if I sound like a puritan but there is a difference between watching some screened tv and being stuck infront of whatevers on 24/7) and if the throws a tantrum give him what he wants and DH just doesn't like to say no.
we'll take him shopping and he'll want a toy and DH will say he's not spoiled because he only gets one, yes but what would happen if he was told he could have none is ignored but I know the answer!
I will suggest a family meeting to DH as I think SS is old enough to understand, I did get him a star chart which helped but DH got bored of it, I was trying to get him to reward the good more, concentrate on encouraging positive behaviour to get the attention he craves..
My worries are DH was a very unloved child so he wants his children to feel loved but thats as far as his parenting goes, when I said what values do you want them to grow up with and how are you going to encourage/teach them I think I spoke Mandarin from the look I got, he seems to think than somewhere between now and 18 SS will teach himself right and wrong and turn into a decent member of society where as I think he'll more likely be in Juvie!

DH has just started counselling, been with GP for over a year on tabs etc but very long list for further help and took a lot of pushing on my part.
Sadly its not that his mum is struggling, she just likes her work, drink, boyfriend and nights out and is lazy and doesn't want a child getting in the way of it all but won't let us have him as despite her leaving my DH she loves the fact that she can control him with his child and hates that he's moved on and she's had a few failed relationships that have come to nothing

Start at the basics with him, he will understand at 6. Bacis rules:
No swearing
No hitting
No stealing
No lying.

Bring back the star chart, if you recive a moan from DH tell him that there are plenty of adults who should be responsible for this child and it's about time someone grew some bollocks. Love isn't expressed through presents, this child needs more guidance and support. Stick with it, the rewards will be there. You are doing a great job. I can see that you do like your stepson or you wouldn't be trying to help him or asking for advice. The family rules are a good idea, put them on a sheet so all the family can see them.

The counselling should help, at least he's going which is a step in the right direction. The mum sounds messed up.

If he has speech problems and problems making himself understood he will have behaviour problems. It's not him, it's his inability to communicate well.

Could you read up a bit on speech and language therapy yourself (tbh very few kids get hands on speech and language therapy- parents do it in the main). I'd recommend getting information on the hanen prorgam - the resources are usually stupidly expensive in the UK but if you keep and eye on Amazon/ebay you might strike lucky and get it quite cheaply.

Anything you can read might help you understand him more and therefore find him easier to like as well.

Mum hasn't had the best examples to be honest, her mum controls her like she's on strings and so I would be unfair to put all the blame on her although I will never forgive her for trying to cause problems for me and my baby, not that you'd know that as when I see her I am so polite it hurts!!
I think I need to grow some bollocks because if I don't sort this now it'll be my baby in a few years as he'll be as soft on her too if he doesn't understand setting guideines so it'll be my baby answering me back!
I could currently do with a large glass of wine and a chat with DH I think, wine is out, don't think bump will appreciate it lol but I guess that chat is wel overdue and then hopefully we can start getting on and I may even find myself enjoying weekends again!
Thanks so much for all the advice, was a little worried people would think I'm a bitch for having problems with him!

I hadn't thought of trying the speech therepy ourselves, certainly worth looking into, thanks very much

Goodness no, I think it's really hard being a stepparent (I'm not one), at least you are trying to do something for him, it's probably alot more then anyone else has done.

do feel free to post for advice on the special needs section on here (special needs:children probably your best bet) - you will get lots of advice. There's lots you can do without even doing any full hands on speech and language therapy as well which should support his behaviour.

Thank you yes it is so much easier with your biological as they don't go home every weekend and report on what you've done!!

Thanks saintlydamemrsturnip, I hadn't thought of that option but will have a look tomorrow

it sounds like a tough situation for all concerned. cut yourself some slack first of all, then remember that he is a child and you are the adult. i think counselling for you sounds a very good idea so you can offload some of the resentment that has built up without it being directed at the child.

i think you need to work with your dh to parent your step son. he is part of your family, so you should have input into his upbringing, and it sounds as if you have positive parenting skills which are working.

'one person can make a difference, and everyone should try' jfk

2 of mine needed speech therapy and mostly in the sessions they are teaching you the parent how to help the child. Simple things like correctly modelling the words, and saying stuff like "do you mean gog or dog?" playing simple games like attempting to say their words correctly before having a turn at a game - we used pop up pirates, you tell them good try if they got it wrong and well done if they got it right.

Hard thing is that you need a therapist to tell you which words your dss needs to work on first etc.

Squallyrose - I read your post, and it could have been me that was writing it. I have a 16yr old step son, we have him alternate weekends, and my husband tries to create a Pink, Fluffy La-La Land environment for him, which makes normal domestic life very difficult, and I often dread access weekends. If I try even minor discpline (ie, please take your feet off the sofa, or can you turn the tv off if you've finished watching it) my husband immediately over rules me in front of the child. My only light at the end of the tunnel, is that he's likely to go to uni in two years time, bringing a natural end to access weekends. It's about the only thing that my husband and I fall out about, and I feel very guilty for feeling that this child blights our lives in such a way. Access weekends bring clouds of apathy and lethargy and my husband would rather stick pins in his eyes than give him a boot up the backside.

Sorry Petal02, I only just checked this again but thanks for your response, sounds like my situation but I think we'll be divorced before child goes to Uni as he's 6 :-(