Biology - do you put that as a priority?

[Fruitysunshine]

There are two threads running on this board at the moment which, TBH, I am completely perplexed at the approach by a lot of posters on both.

Can somebody please explain why quite a lot of people are so quick to deem step parents unimportant compared to a mother in a child's life? Can you explain where this pedestal-like attitude towards mothers comes from?

Honestly, has somebody got some logical, reasoning as to it? What about adoption? There is no biology there generally, are the adoptive parents wishes less important than the biological mother in your eyes (not talking about the eyes of the law here).

Genuinely interested and not trying to be provocative.

In an ideal world all mothers would be fantastic and the children would all be perfect but this is definitely not the case in our society, proven time and time again, yet mothers still seem to command this type of defense from people.

I am mum to 3 of my own and 2 stepchildren so have experience of that lifestyle.

I agree with you OP. My DSD is definatly my daughter when she is with us (7 nights out of 14.) I take her to school, I speak to her teacher regarding problems/queries. I wash her clothes, bath her, take her to bed, cook her tea, make sure she eats enough and healthy food at that, cuddle her when my bully of a nearly 2 year old is being a sod, and tell her I love her in return.

In my house we are a family, two parents, two kids. I have a say in everything to do with her at home and also I suggest things when it is something concerning school. I go to her sports days along with DP and the ex. My DSD asks to call me mummy, and will often tell people I am her mummy/step-mummy depending on her mood. She tells me she loves me and often picks me to do things with her over DP.

However, when she is at her mums... she is her mums daughter. At the end of the day her mum is her mum and always will be. However her mum accepts that I am a huge part of DSD's life and knows that DSD loves me as much her mum and dad. DSD often will talk about her 2nd dad, meaning her mums partner and we are extremely accepting of that too.

My DSD's mum is not on a pedestal, All four parents stand on that pedestal together in our families.

My DSD is lucky, she has two families, two mummys and two daddys, a half brother from us and a step brother from her mum and step-dad. To her we are mummy and daddy when she is with us. She's happy, we're happy.

Have not got much time to post but just wanted to say mjinhiding that you sound exhausted.....I know how that feels so can totally believe you.

I too love being a step parent and appreciate the comments made already in this thread. Exhausting yes! especially when there are issues around contact and uncertainty and so on. And trying to be completely calm in the face of someone (DH's ex) who seems to have only one goal in life and that is to spend every waking hour thinking what to get angry about next - mostly focussed on us.
Agree with all the "cant win" philosophy too...
If you're seen to be too caring/involved (DSS phoning me for help with his homework for example) then I'm trying to poison him against her and take her place.
On the other hand if I dont get involved (e.g. DSS phones up and asks for a lift to football as his mum is too drunk to take him and I cant as I'm still at work) then I dont care about him and wont put myself out when he needs my assistance. (this was before he came to live with us).
totally totally exhausting as well as infuriating.
But yes, there does seem to be a huge bias against stepmothers on here - and that's putting it mildly. I would say often outright hostility and aggression. Interestingly, it doesnt seem to be the same when considering stepfathers....

I find that my normality, as described above by you all, is totally abnormal for a lot of people. As a result all of my close friends (3 couples) except one couple, are second marriages/blended families because we can support each other and not be judgemental when it gets really tough.

We have had professional people say to us that second families/marriages have more stresses on it than people understand due to the dynamics and set up.

I do understand how stepmothers can seem incredibly threatening to biological mothers.

I agree with you that second marriages/families can certainly entail more stresses than others will understand or realise.
I think the other (balancing) factor though is that the two adults getting involved in a second marriage/family tend to have given much more thought and consideration to the relationship and all that it entails, prior to making a decision to get together long term or get married and therefore are stronger, more stable, have discussed and agreed on a unified approach and are better able to support eachother (and their families/stepchildren) as a result.
I think this, in part, is what riles the ex (if still a lone parent) as they cant bear to see a happy loving and stable environment created in the other home, when often their own environment can be lonely, isolated and somewhat chaotic.
I'm not saying that's what it is like for everyone, but I think a lot of people's situations are like that, and it is that that breeds resentment on the part of the ex.
Certainly in my own situation, my DH's ex left the marriage as she had met someone else. DH was devastated.
Ex's relationship with new man came to an end pretty quickly but the divorce went through and DH and I met and married shortly after.
She's still on her own (has had a few boyfriends but none long term) and I think never contemplated that her ex would get together with someone else and that she wouldnt. It's kind of sad and I feel sorry for her in a way but... it's the life she chose.

ladydeedy - you make a good point. Second families are often very thoughtful and try incredibly hard to make their families function well, as divorced people don't want a second failed marriage.

Because some people can't see past the nuclear family being the ideal.
Besides, I think the problems with step-parenting come mainly from ex-partners (in the ones I've observed).

I blame Disney and "the wicked step-mother".

Yes but the kids dont see us as wicked - it's the other half's ex generally!
Conversely, in my own case, my DH's ex's parents (ie his parents in law from that marrige) are adorable and have always been very welcoming towards me, send Christmas cards, phone the kids at ours, happily have a chat, etc.

I have a step Mum and step Dad, neither of them are in anyway my parents; I have always resented it very strongly if they tried to act like it.
My Dad left when I was 8 and moved straight in with my step Mum, so what I'm trying to say is it's probably different if children are very little.
It's not really Biology as such it's your family.
My step Mum is nice she's probably nicer than my Mum, she's definitely been a better Mum to her children, but she's not my Mum.
I understand it must be a strain if your stepchild lives with you and you do everything for them like their Mum would. You care about them and want to give them a happy home life, but they probably can't relate to you like they would to their Mum, because to them it would be betrayal.
Like I've said I only have experience of this as a step child, but my advice would be to try and be more of a friend or aunty maybe,you only get 1 Mum.
Gosh this is long sorry, I suppose this hits a nerve with me

I understand you Schroeder.
I think most step parents know and understand they're not your "mum" but they kind of have to act like your mum in terms of caring for you, looking after you, cooking, giving lifts etc.
What we have found in our family is that stepson probably confides more in me than his dad as I'm not his "parent" but some other adult that he trusts and can talk things over with in a rational and objective way because our relationship is fundamentally "different". Not better, but just different, like you say probably more of a friend - just an old one
There are many different emotions involved, definitely.

I'm a stepmum and don't have my own kids. I was also a stepchild so can completely understand your views Schroeder and I have never tried to be the kids mum mostly because I never wanted to and do understand that their relationship with their mum is different.And of course it must be difficult for biological mothers having another woman in the child's life. That said things change. We have DP's kids with us half the time and not surprisingly we are a lot closer now than we were at the start. I care for them a lot more than I expected to and for me, and I think for them, we are family. Stepmums aren't aunties or sisters - in most cases they are "different" mums. I think for many stepmums what really annoys us is when the biological mother plays "the trump card" and I'm sorry if I'm upsetting people by saying this but in our case DP's ex is more than happy at times for me to do things for her kids but when it doesn't suit her then its all too easy for her to fall back on the "I'm their real mum, I know best" card to get her own way which sadly isn't always in the interest of the kids. Most stepmums don't want to replace biological mothers. I just think that when you work really hard to try and make things work for everyone - you shouldn't be made to feel like a non-person as a result.

Libby,thanks, that's exactly the way I feel about it.

My eldest DSD lives with us and I wouldn't want her for one second to feel differently to anyone else in the family. I love the way she calls me HER ''my name'', that's our special bond.

You can grow love for a child regardless of the ''biology'' and that doesn't mean you are trying to ''steal'' the bio mum's place...