who needs a rant about ex's being awkward with holiday access

[iNEEDaWHINGE]

hi all,

new to this section, in need of a rant.

after much persuasion we finally managed to get dd to be allowed to go on holiday with dp for 1 week of the summer hols.

we had it all planned out and were driving down to the south to stay with my friend on the beach who is kindly putting up myself , dp and all our dc.

dp ex's cornered him last week to grill him on arrangements.

she has deemed the trip too long to travel in one go. insisting we book an overnight in a hotel on the journeys. which is going to have to be two rooms as we have too many dc combined to have just one family room. going to take a massive chunk out of our budget for holiday spends.

we're going to have to make the children choose between surfing lessons or a forfeit some of the days planned out. as simply cant afford it all now.

so in the end it is her own dd who is losing out on experiences.

i'm also slightly pi**ed off that my dc will miss out on these experiences too. which i saved up for, and told them we would be doing, and now i have to let them down

i know thats a little bit selfish of me as we are now supposed to be a blened family unit. but thats why i am ranting here. and not saying it out loud at home as it's not dp fault.

she also quizzed him on what kind of car? where are we staying? how many rooms? will her dd have a proper bed?

what the hell does she think we will do?

have her sleeping on some rugs on a floor?
travelling south in the back of a transit van without seats?

uuuuurgh.... phew glad to have that out before we go. cant let it out in RL

so.. anyone else had holidays going a bit pear shaped due to ex's?

If your DP doesn't want to rile her before the holiday just tell him to agree to her demands or make noises that could be interpreted as agreeing and then just do what you originally planned all along. She can hardly insist on checking your hotel bookings.

At the end of the day it is none of the ex's business what happens when your DSD is with her father. I wouldn't advocate making waves or being difficult in general but in this instance she seems to be making a fuss about nothing and as you say, it will have consequences on the whole family.

How stupid. Will your DP stick up for himself or is there a real chance she'll just refuse to let him take his child on holiday? Does she run all her arrangements past him when she is doing things? She's being incredibly unreasonable and he really shouldn't bow down to her demands as it will let her continue to think she can have this hold over him.

agree and nod and do as you originally planned. she is being pathetic and v controlling.

squashed - thanks, thats it exactly. not upsetting before the holiday or she will just refuse to let us take dd.

on the plus note. looks like this has finally been the straw to break camels back and dp is going for legal arrangement for access once we get back.

you can't be controlled in this manner -sorry but I would be truthful

I would like to take dd on holiday three times per year during the school holidays which will will agree by the 2 April each year from 2010. Look forward to many years of happy holidays with dd

I would like to point out that holdiays in the uK will be decided and planned by myself and if the occasion arises to take the dc abroad I will inofmr you by April 2nd of that year.

Please respond if in any doubt about this arangement otherwise I will take it as fine

hobnob - generally if he doesn't stick to her daft demands then he doesn't get access. she will stonewall him for a few weeks until she needs a "baby sitter".

i really feel for him. he's desperate for more contact.

she gives him a pitiful amount of access. few hrs a week. and often will cancel it with the worst excuses. a few weeks ago she text with

"haven't felt i've seen enough with dd due to work/school, etc so she wont be spending sat with you, she will be staying with me"

he would love 50/50 but whats the chances of him getting that?

he stays a few streets from dd school, and works flexible hours. would be over the moon if ex would let him collect dd from school as after school childcare, but sadly ex is dead set against this. whenever dp tries to get her to give a reason and let him do it she snaps the conversation shut with "its complicated", and he gets stone walled again for days/weeks

He needs to get the access sorted formally if she is being so awkward.

ivykaty - we wont be lying. as dd will be grilled i think when she gets home. we will just book the hotel this time.

this is first time she's allowed dd to go on holiday since they split 3 yrs ago.

we wont do anything to jeapordise this till we are back.

dp dd has never been to the beach before . she's been counting down the days on a calendar for months. she will be in tears if she doesn't get to go.

Tell your DP to join Families need Fathers, they are fantastic. they have a helpline and local branches so you can talk through the whole situation and what to do re court and they can recommend a McKenzie Friend.

Using access to a child as a way of controlling someone is DV IMO and it damages the child more than anyone.

My DH and I went down the court route and have DSS 3 w/ends out of 4. It was very, very difficult but without question worth it.

We'll be going back for holiday contact, too - DH asked ex last night to finally confirm the last of the extra overnights we get in the summer and she said she now wants to rearrange the whole thing. So back to the drawing board one week before the holidays. And as you say, trips and events are booked and it will be DSS who misses out.

Definitely get the access sorted legally and join FNF like Tanga said, who can advise on how to go about things with minimal costs. She needs to realise that he should be co-parenting with her and is an equal. We have this problem too. It's so frustrating.

tanga - my ex tryed to use a Mckenzie friend in court - they were refused entry to the court room - basicly the solicitor didn't want the person there and so said no they couldn't come in - so they were left outside.

i

That doesn't happen very often Ivykaty. Was it a closed court? The judge normally has to have good reason and warn them first.

Unless your ex didn't follow procedure and advise a MF would be attending prior to the date.

tanga - thanks, i'll check that out and give him site address. and yes, it is damaging to the child. dd has got to an age where she is questioning why she cant see her dad every wkd. and i've lost track of the times she has been crying as she was supposed to see us to go on a day out, only for her mother to canx and the dd brings it up as soon as we see her again. we've stopped telling her in advance if we have something planned as its heartbreaking. so now everything is suprise when we collect her. which she does enjoy to a degree, but always asks "why didn't you tell me so i could look forward to it".

i feel she spends the whole week looking forward to coming to do something with us. even if all we have planned is to bake some cookies, it is the highlight of her week.

It was family court - so closed and I have no idea if ex informed before hand but solicitor put a stop to it - he didn't like my ex it was an odd case as it envolved my solicitor and my ex and I was a witness..long story for another time

TBH I need to winge I would advise that you get your dp to write a letter to his ex outlinign what contact he wants and then asking for her to reply, whether it be everyother weekend and thre weeks holiday and then just stick to the weekends and that be that - if somethings falls on another weekend just don't mention it or swap. In soem ways being ridged seems pettit but in another everryone knows what is happening and can make for an easy happy life for dc

write first and aks for a respons - thne if that is ignored take it further - but often courts really want to see that you have tryed hard to sort this contact first as thye don't want toget envolved.

it doesn't matter what she thinks about travel arrangements. Travel arrangements are down to the parent making them.

ivy - he has tried to get her to go to mediation to get it all squared up that way but she isn't interested.

he's being realistic. she wont agree to 50/50. but he might get her to agree to 1 day through week, and alternate wkds fri-mon. then if she wants to make plans for wkds.. then she can do them on her own wkds iykwim. but he's going to stick to his guns on wanting half the holidays. including half of xmas/easter. i dont have experience in this. me and dc dad are very amicable. we have never argued over access. he gets dc whenever he wants.

i think this makes dp a little too. dc dad just picks up the phone as gets his dc straight away if its possible. dp has to jump through hoops to suit his ex to see his dd.

colditz - totally agree. myself and my dc dad never even consider questioning what each other are up to when taking dc away. we are both responsible adults. capable of looking after them.trust each other to be sensible with them.

My partner is about to go for mediation and if it breaks down we will be using the family court route.

Holidays are a contenious issue- previously he always had to take most his leave over the summer because she couldnt "cope". Now she has a new baby she just palms them them off on any willing person- except their actual Daddy!

My advice to the OP is dont make waves before the holiday but dont change your plans either. If she kicks off on your return then tell her she shouldnt be interigating her daughter and also make sure your DP get access formalised

Ineedawinge

My DCS dad and I are very much like that- reasonable, amiciable, friendly.

Partner admires it. DSCs are confused and probably a little jealous by it and ask questions like Daddy why dont you ring us at night? He just replies Mummy wont let me. Its so hard to know how to response but Why should he lie.

sad isn't it - my dd hasn't been away for a holiday with her dad for two years - he said this year that there wasn' enough time to go away so I made other arrnagements for dd and then he ran this week to sort out taking her away - I knew dd2 wanted to go (dd1 is much older) and so changed a few things.

I have paid for both dd's to go to see there paternal grandmother abroad - as their dad will not take them

dc like to go away with their parents and both of them not just one parent

Hi,

I am too new to this, just to let you know that we have a defined residence order, in that order it states that we can take the children away for two weeks a year for family holiday's this also includeds abroad.

It even states about the passports being passed over.

I think that we would be lossed without this defined contact order. And would encourage anyone to do the same as it stops the messing about with contact.

onedietcoke - yes, similar to my situation, dc dad will ring up simply to ask how kids are most days as they are too young to talk properly on phone. dp isn't allowed to call ex. only text .

freedom - thats interesting about passports. dp's dd doesn't have a passport of her own. his brother lives abroad and he's trying to get dd a passport to go visit for a family wedding.

his ex is refusing to even discuss it..

its not fair if dd is to miss out on an amazing trip and seeing all her relatives that she only sees when they visit here. everyone else will be going, and myself and my dc will be going, and she will be left behind.

i will make sure when he gets things sorted legally after the holiday that its stated that passports are to included and holidays abroad too.

I hope you get things sorted and I thing that Its the only route to go down when you are dealing with awkward ex partners.

I know we did pay a lot for are defined access order, but these days you can do a lot yourself and take a McKenzie friend into court which will cut your costs down.

You can apply to court yourself which is around £180.00.

You may find help from the families need fathers website or separated dads.

These sites have lots of information on how to apply without getting a solicitor involved. I know that the famlies need fathers hold a monthly meeting for this information and have solicitors there offering free advice.

Also mjinhiding, just wanted you to know if she is being awkward with the contact. you can get an enforcement order attached to your defined contact order. She is breaching the contact order.

ineedawhinge - your situation seems very similar to mine!!! my DH ex partner is exactly the same about access to my DSD. She was almost always fine with access until DH met me (6yrs after they separated!!!). Now we get text messages 30mins before we're due to collect DSD, saying we can't see her as they're going away on a last minute trip,etc.

She even tried to stop DSD being bridesmaid at our wedding last year. She made a ridiculous demand that DSD could only be bridesmaid if my DH's mother (whom she met once and didn't like) wasn't invited!!! Due to the fact that she has threatened to stop access when not getting her own way in the past we were forced with telling DH's mother that she could only attend our wedding if she didn't introduce herself to DSD!! It was very upsetting for all involved!! My poor MIL wasn't even able to tell her own granddaughter who she was!!

I don't feel she'll ever change! It's just such a shame some people can't be mature about these things!!

Enjoy your holiday!!