Stepmum Support groups in london

[MK76]

Hi,

I've just joined this site as i am finding it difficult to deal with my feelings as a stepmum. Does anyone know of a support group that i could go to in London? I need to talk to someone before i lose my mind or ruin my relationship.

Thank you.

I don't know of any RL groups, but there are a few web based ones.

How long have you been a SM?

You will naturally meet people in the same position (other step mums) and IMHO, that is your best form of support.

There are internet based groups (the BSWC) but, honestly, I think they are not very healthy.

I tried to find one local to me but there just aren't any. I asked the Health Visitor and she seemed genuinely amazed that such a thing should be necessary. I have thought about starting one myself but just not brave enough to get it all out in RL - may cause too much trouble.

It really is shockingly hard being a step-mum and you just have to find support anywhere you can - like here. I am struggling constantly so don't have a miracle answer for you but please be nice to yourself because you do deserve it!

Feel free to voice your feelings with other SM's here MK76, I have never looked for a support group myself but find speaking to people in similar situations on MN helps.

So sorry that you're having a hard time, MK76, but I find this site really helpful. there are loads of people on here who have useful insights and really helpful and heartfelt advice.

It's often easier to post your thoughts on a site like this, than talk about it in real life. I struggle with being a part-time step mum, I feel very guilty about it, and can understand why you might find a support group useful.

Dear all, thank you for your support. i am trying to deal with it and my husband is as supportive as could be but at the end of the day, they are his children and i hate seeing him upset at my unhappiness.

They are quite good kids but sometimes i just want my house and my husband to myself and i know that it sounds selfish but i work full time and so does he.

I hate how i feel but i don't know what to do.

Oh MK76 - I think you could actually be me??

I'm starting to harbour feelings like that myself. We have DP's son (2.5yo) quite regularly and I find it difficult for us to have time to ourselves as my shifts never coincide with when we don't have DSS or when DP is off, he works Mon-Fri and we have DSS every second full weekend and a saturday on the inbetween weekends. We also have him on a Tuesday evening. I work for the NHS and therefore work a variety of shifts.

I feel almost foolish as it was at my insistence that we had him more often as I felt we didn't see him enough but now I am struggling with constantly having a toddler demanding all our attention!

I don't think it's selfish for us to feel this from time to time and I don't think it's fair for people to assume "we knew what we were taking on" either - how can you know what's entailed if you have never done it before. Yes, I knew DP had a child and that it would be hard going but it doesn't stop you feeling a bit down about it all sometimes!

MK76 - I think you could actually be me, too! I was beginning to think I was the only person on the planet who finds step parenting difficult.

I'd just like to say to everyone: It does get easier.

I've been a 'Step mum' for over 10 years now and my DSDs are totally independant (well, apart from the financial side of things! )

The only reason I would warn of getting too into a 'support group' is that it can become quite a negative thing.

That's what I found when I joined BSWC. I found that I spent far too much time thinking about it all.

I do love my DSDs. Dearly. But I have to accept that they see me as something of an outsider in 'their' family. I'm included when I'm useful to them but I'm utterly excludable.

I can't change that. DH can't change that. No point in worrying about it.

I will always support my DH in doing the best for his DDs, but I no longer try to bend my life around my DSDs.

I'm not sure if that makes sense, especially to those of you with younger kids, but the best advice I could possibly give is be helpful, be supportive but don't try too hard.

I used to take my DSDs out to make mothers day gifts / birthday gifts / chrismtas gifts for their mum. I wanted to try and make her see that I wasn't trying to take her place. All I succeeded in doing was getting (a little bit more) on her nerves.

She is never going to like me. Doesn't matter how hard I try. Doesn't matter how much (or how little) I try.

SO, my advice, honestly, would be to take a long hard look at the situation and, unless you can see a happy place at the end of the line, I'd butt out and get on with your own life.

I don't have my own children, and husband has 16 yr old son. We have him from Thurs-Sun alternate weekends. The child doesn't behave badly, but doesn't have friends or interests or play any sport or belong to any clubs, which I find strange.

Because of this, when he's with us, he just lies on lounge floor, watching cartoons/dvds for up to 18 hours per day. I'm not allowed to challenge this because "he's not doing any harm." So essentially our lounge, which is the heart of our home, is taken over during his visits. I tend to retreat upstairs, but this upsets my husband who thinks I'm not integrating. I try to explain that after a full week at work I don't want to watch hours of The Simpsons at full volume, particularly when the child has his own tv/dvd etc.

Husband is a lovely guy and but he is very over-protective towards his son. For example, he asks his son if its ok, if we want to go out. Or if his son isn't keen on what we're having for dinner, he'll rush out to Asda to buy something different. You can't fault his intentions, but he puts son on a pedestal, runs round like mad trying to indulge him completely, growling at me if I question it. The son doesn't ask for or expect any of this, he generally takes things in his stride.

If this was only an occasional thing, it wouldn't be too bad, but obviosly 50% of our leisure time is taken up, molly-coddling a 16yr old. We don't get much trouble from the ex-wife, but she insists was never vary weekends, we can't ask for a change unless we're literally out the country. I find it difficult,that so much of our lives are restricted by a 16yr old.

Like I said, he's not a bad kid, but my husband treats him like he's 8, and when it's an "access weekend", I feel very resentful. Which in turn makes me feel guilty.

MK76 - are you still feeling uncomfortable about things?

Hi Petal02, i'm okay this weekend as husband had to attend a course and was busy over the weekend so i did not have to see the kids.

Will i ever stop feeling resentful? I understand your comment about the simpsons. Every saturday, the TV is out of bounds to me and if i have to watch another episode of Spongebob Squarepants, i think i will literally die.

Getting ready for work this morning, i am already dreading Saturday. We have the kids from about 11 am till 7 pm. I know other stepmums have it worse but we are in a one bed flat at the moment and that is why we don't have them overnight. I dread to think what will happen when we do buy a house which we are thinking of doing, what is going to happen then?

I work from 9 till 6 Mon to Fri and its an hour commute each way, my weekends are very precious to me. What am i going to do when they want to stay fro the weekend? I feel like my relationship will fall apart because i will essentially be telling my husband that his kids cannot stay over.

I haven't even reached that situation yet but already i am anxious and worried about what will be. Is that weird?

I sometimes think of leaving him but it makes me very sad because i love him very much and we have no major problems. I can just see the kids becoming a problem but am i being over sensitive or will things sort themselves out? Do i stay or do i go?

These qiestions go round and round in my head all the time. I feel frustrated, upset, anxious and guilty.

Hi

Just wanted to post about the lounge thing - i get that too. Unless I want to watch the DSD playing the Wii or watching Hannah F*cking Montana (sorry but that girl's voice really gets on my nerves), then the lounge is out of bounds to me too.

We have a dining room that's never used and when I enquired if that could be turned into a den, I was told the dining room furniture had to remain in order to give the DSD some continuity from the old house.

MK - you probably wont' ever stop feeling resentful. Try to find a way to detach from those feelings if you can? I tell myself I'm putting those feelings in a box on a high shelf and I'll look at it later. Not easy to do!!

I think about leaving my DP all the time as well. I dread the thought of DSD coming to live with us. DP works very long hours and I really don't want to look after her.

I think that to the biolgical parent, having their offspring round the house is the most natural thing in the world, whereas to the step-parent, it just feels like an intrusion. An invasion even. And the biological parent just can't understand why the step-parent feels that way. A friend of mine compares step-children to in-laws; you know they're part of the package, but having them around isn't easy.

I think perhaps I was a bit slow on the uptake re: having DSS more often as I didn't realise I would feel like this until it happened, i.e. I wasn't worrying about it before the event! Naive - I think so.

I feel a bit torn about it all I don't resent DSS at all as I know this is not his fault but I just wish me and DP had more time together. I know my job doesn't help the situation, as I probably only have 1 weekend off in 4 so it makes things really difficult to be able to do things together. And usually if I am off it's a weekend we have DSS so we do child related things or visit relatives. No more weekends away for us!

I shouldn't really moan as we are trying for our own DC and that will become the norm for us when we have our own but the housing issue is bothering me in that sense too. We currently live in a 2 bedroomed house and at the moment our spare room doubles as DSS's bedroom. But what happens when the next DC comes along? Ideally I would like both children to have their own rooms, so we can do the whole - decorating the nursery for the new baby thing etc etc but at the moment we are just not in a position to buy somewhere else and I feel really sad that my first child/our first child together will not have it's own room. Is it really selfish to say that I think our baby should have prevalence over the room as it will reside with us whereas DSS is only staying 4 nights in a month?!?

Actually I feel absolutely awful even saying that!!

I understand whoever said that dwelling on it too much can be negative and that's what I try not to do but it is hard sometimes!

Your first child together should be special and he/she should have their own room. I feel for you and i understand because as things stand, i get on well with the kids but i never ever ever want them to stay overnight. it is my house and my space and i work very hard for it.

I know i must come across really selfish but at the moment we see them every saturday and some weeks i'm ikay but some weeks i absolutely hate it. The lastt hing i want is to wake up to the kids. I am not their mum and don't want to be. At the moment i am doing this because i hate seeing my husband upset and he is doing his best. that is why i keep having these dreadful thoughts of just leaving them to it and moving out and being by myself.

I hate how i feel and i don't want to feel like this but i do. i like the kids, i am fond of them even but they are not mine and will never be. They have a mum and dad and as such, i just want my husband and our house to myself.

I am just stuck and don't know what to do anymore. thinking about all of this males me anxious and resentful and i don't want to waste my days doing that but wjat do i do?

MrsWajs, your new baby should definitely have preference over the room, you can't surely not use a room just because a visitor uses it four nights a month? I suggest the spare room becomes the nursery and when your stepson stays over, he shares the nursery with the baby. You can't sideline the new baby on account of an occasional visitor.

Bedrooms can be an emotive subject, we have husband's son every other weekend, he has his own bedroom, but I want to decorate it and make it nice so that on 'non access' weekends, we can have friends/family to stay. Conditions are quite rank in that room at present, and I think it would actually be nicer for stepson if the room were cleaned up. But my husband won't hear of it, he worries that it might unsettle the child if he thinks the room isn't for his sole use. But he's 16 for gods sake, surely a coat of emulsion won't leave him traumatised???

MK76, if it's any consolation, I hate waking up in the morning to the knowledge that my stepson is with us. He'll be in the lounge, watching action films really loud, and whilst there's nothing to stop me also using the lounge, it's hardly conducive to a relaxing Saturday or Sunday morning. It's just as bad coming home from work, to find he's already taken root on the sofa, rubbing his greasy head into my cushions. I have a very full time job and dislike feeling displaced in my own home. Access weekends make me extremely resentful, but I have to accept them if I want to stay with my husband. It's just the way it is for the time being.

Petal02, I am so with you on the greasy head/cushions scenario!

Petal02, that's so true about step children feeling a bit like in-laws. I've been feeling so on and off guilty feeing like that about my partner's sons for the past 4 years since I met him. His 2 teenage DS's live with him - their mother is on and off the scene, depending on her love life and living arrangements - so they are very close to their dad, and to be honest one of the reasons I love him so much is that he such a loving father to them. He would love me to move in with them, he just wants us to get married and all live together in a big, happy house - me being the "wonderful mum" that his boys never had. And we do get on really well a lot of the time, but I am so used to having my own space since my own own DTD's have got married and moved out. Yes I miss them, and I miss being a mum at times, but having to compromise with your own children is very different to doing it with someone else's! I seem to wish my life away all the time, waiting for them to become independent, then feel so bad that I can't take that step and commit myself to his family 100% at the moment.

BUT..... If it's any help MK76, things do get a bit better, we do have more time to ourselves now they are a bit older, although if I want to spend the night with him I have to stay at their house, with all the boy-related mess that involves! The bathroom is def more interesting than mine at times! ALso on the plus side, I get lots of cuddles from them all, I get to see the funniest things on U-tube, and I know so much more about football, rugby and mopeds!