Please advise me!

[phoenixbel]

I am a 41 year old divorced mother of 3 teenage girls. Aside from their normal teen concerns and strops and my (now drug treated anxiety) we are happy as a family and I am proud of them.
I met a wonderful man early last year and within months he had proposed. We set the date for early January, his 50th birthday.
He has a son of 21, who when we met lived in a flat. I did not meet him for a while.
The son had a private education but has very bad a levels and has scarcely worked for three years. He has at some stage been identified as suffering with ADHD but never been treated. It is unlike me but I find him utterly without charm. The children described him as a bad angry smell.
My partner's marriage ended when the son was 14. The mother took the (to me astonishing) step of moving to New Zealand. My partner brought up his son alone.
Prior to the wedding my partner sold his house in order for us to buy one together. I allowed him to move his son into mine.
It was a very stressful time, moving lots of (crap) furniture, a cat and three chickens into a town house took it's toll.
I found it very difficult to reconcile the son lying in bed over my head until 2pm, making pretend attempts to get a job, telling my kids about his drug use, having picky eating habits, paying me £25 over 6 weeks for food and board whilst eating me out of house and home etc etc ( my partner did subsidise this but his son saw no responsibility to contribute).
I talked to my parner about ths many times.I felt he listened, agreed and did nothing, compromising me and my family. At times I got very drunk and shouted at them both. I was told I had frightened the son.
He cancelled the wedding three days before.
I was devastated. A complete breakdown followed, now mending.
Despite my parner's earth shattering decision he did not want to end the relationship. I still struggle with what he did but love him.
So, long story. The partner and son now live together. Son does not work and is planning to do an access course to get him into university. My partner is looking for somewhere to buy for us all to live in. I do not want to live with the son. I see his educational attempts as a ruse to avoid work and get his father to pay.(son has told me this directly).
The reason I choose now to ask for feedback is that last weekend whilst at their house the son announced "oh yeh we need some rice" Father suggested he buy some. Response was "Oh Yeh, your just so fucking lazy, doing what you always do, getting other people to do your fucking work"
Father ignored this and we left. I yet again said "You cant let him speak to you like that
and was placated.
Partner says he has to give him a year, cant throw him out, he's not ready etc.
Advice, views, questions please x

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this hideous position. I think the son's behaviour is totally unacceptable, and his father's unwillingness to tackle it is equally poor. There seem to be so many people who have complete 'blind spots' when it comes to their own children, and tolerate behaviour which makes any other relationships almost impossible. Your partner may well wish to give him a year, but what happens when that year's up? He gives him another year? And how are you supposed to cope in the meantime? I know you've talked to your partner, and that he agreed with your points, however he's failed to act, and in these situations actions speak louder than words.

Thanks Petal. That was helpful feedback. I know this current spat has felt like it's put my progress right back which is ridiculous. I am meeting my partner to re view a lovely house and have said we need to talk first. Thanks for your support.

I think you should make it quite clear that you're not rejecting his son, but you find the son's behaviour unacceptable. Quite honestly, given the age of the son, and the fact that he was living in his own flat when you met your partner, I see no reason why he couldn't move out - although it's obvious your partner doesn't think so.

If you approach it down the lines of "I want us all to live harmoniously and therefore some changes need to happen" rather than "he's got to go" you might get a better response. I certainly couldn't live with someone in their 20s who just festered round the house. I find it difficult enough when my husband's 16yr old son stays with us on alternate weekends (he rarely shows any signs of being alive) and you have my genuine sympathy.

Actually I differ slightly, I think he can live with you, but only after he has proved he changed.

You would be foolish in the extreme to move in with DP while the situation is as it is. Son may go, may stay, may come back. Its up to his dad to tackle his sons behaviour.

In the meantime, instead of hankering after living together, getting married etc, establish a relationship where you are happy with your life living in separate houses, where you make it clear to DP you love hin very much, but you are maintaining the status quo until you can see beyond all doubt DSS has changed.

If you try to make him choose between you and the son he brought up dingle handedly you will lose, however horrendous the sons behaviour is, so you are better off making the most of what you do have.

At the end of the day, there are very few of us who will actually throw our kids out, (I think), and 21 is still young, although when I was 21, I had a mortgage etc.

I know how hard it is (DSS was a nightmare teen), if DP sees you are happy with things the way they are - he may shift his arse into gear. Clearly you cant all live together until things are resolved.

(I use to get drunk and shout at step son and DH as well - you arent alone!)

Rainy - that's an excellent idea.