Overnighters with the Stepwife

[decaffeinated]

Hello,

I have a 9 year old step-daughter who lives abroad, and we are going on holiday near their house in September (taking DSD & her friend, as well as our two kids).

We'll be popping into theirs to pick them up, and have agreed we'll stop off for a cuppa, which is great, and I feel very happy with it, as we can all get along in a social situation.

DSD is desperate for us to stay at their house (in an annexe) for at least one night of our holiday. I don't particularly have any objection, but when we stayed over with them before, I felt really uncomfortable at the kids bedtime.

My husband was putting his daughter to bed, with his ex at the same time as I was putting DS to bed. At the time, I was breastfeeding DS so there was little he could do to help me, but it still felt weird.

I know it's a bit irrational, but I am not sure how I'm going to cope with it. There are certain limits to what I feel comfortable with, and them doing bedtime together doesn't sit that easily with me.

As it doesn't happen that often, it's almost a special treat for DSD to have her parents both around together, so from that perspective I should feel okay, how can I get my head around it?

Help!

I have to say as a step mother and a mother of a DD with a step mother, the quicker you can end all the 'special treat for mummy and daddy to do things together'.. the better!

Mummy and daddy arent together. Its great you all get along and you should all be very proud of that but the child has two seperate family units and to give her a taste of what it would be like if mummy and daddy were together is dangling a carrot that they will never get to have.

Do you have any say it it really though?

That said, if you dont have any say in it, you can get your head round it by resting assured that your DH will just be pleased to be putting his DD to bed and not paying any attention to his ex.

I am completly secure with my relationship and my DP hates his ex with a passion but I still feel uneasy about them doing things together that they did when they were together to be honest, I think its natural feeling. In a situation without children we never have to really think about the fact that our partner used to be with anyone else... but when children are involved its thrown under the spotlight a bit.. ick.

Also, as she is abroad its not something you have had chance to come to terms with. So its bound to be more difficult.

I think you have to try and get over this decaff - my dd's dp probably hates the fact that her dad and I do stuff like putting her to bed together occasionally, but it's vitally important for her that she does experience her two parents united in their love for her, though we do not love each other.

Fourevelen, you're right to point out that your dsc is part of two family units, but they will only ever have two parents....your dh and his ex. Of course it's ick. But for the benefit of the child, you have to get over it.

good luck.

I don't really understand the issue.

If you think this is difficult - wait till one of the DC or DSC gets married - takes the words "family dynamics" and "biting your tongue" to a whole new level!! Specially when the wider family start poking their oars in. I just paid up and kept quiet, which come to think of it is how I've got through all these years as a parent most of the time! You can't help who you fall in love with, but ain't life great at times?!

I think someone hit nail on head about stepchildren being permanent reminder of a previous relationship and thats one of many reasons its difficult. To have a fully grown six-footer lurching around your house - a permanent reminder that your DH had his children with another woman and not you (cos you met too late) is a bit of a rub the wrong way sometimes I must admit. I remember feeling a bit like you OP when my DSS wanted an Xbox for his 19th birthday and my DP and his ex wife agreed to buy it for him between them - they didnt even go to the shop together (she just sent the money-well eventually-but thats another story !!) but I hated it - totally irrational I know - but you do feel marginilised really.
Also totally unreasonable and irrational also is when DH 's ex - who moved away - visits the area to see her kids and grandkids and my DSS will announce - Oh Mums HOME!!! tomorrow Dad. I feel like screaming at him - this is not her f*g home ok !! or alternatively - and your f*g point is !! Not sure if he says it like that to wind me up or its just how he sees it. But it winds me up for fun - hits the spot every time