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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it possible to have a good rel with an exw who has not found anyone new?

27 replies

Allora · 12/07/2010 15:49

I am interested to know because my DH's ExW still won't meet me after 4 years. They had a bit of a messy break up and both behaved badly but are on good terms now. I spend a lot of time and get on very well with her DSs and she is happy to see my baby 'because she hasn't done anything wrong'

Feel gutted by that outlook tbh and don't know what to do. I don't want to have a ruck about it but it's not right. I was not some predatory OW, secretly and evilly plotting to get my man!

anyway I won't go off on a rant because i am just interested to hear others' experiences:

do stepwives only get along if EXW is happily in love with someone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Allora · 12/07/2010 15:53

Sorry also forgot to say that if we could be on good terms our DC would love it - as would DH.

OP posts:
slouchingtowardswaitrose · 12/07/2010 16:25

Were you the OW?

Does it matter that you meet? Why do you want to?

foolio · 12/07/2010 17:16

I wasn't the OW - she had an affair and left DP.

However, she's managed to re-write history and makes out that I am a marriage wrecker. This only started though once the man she left DP for, left her.

She's now in a relationship with someone else and I am still the fcking whore, a hard faced btch, a f*cking cow etc.

She's abused me verbally in the street, completely unsolicited. She knows if she comes near me again, I will take matters further with the police, and the general medical council.

I'm good enough to wash her daughter's clothes and iron the jumble of crap that gets flung in a bag every weekend though.

I pray she goes back to Ireland, I really do. She's the bane of my life.

Original poster
Allora · 12/07/2010 17:48

I wasn't the OW.

I would like to be able to spend more time with DH at weekends (he has to travel half the length of the country to see them) and my DSSs would love it if we could all get along. I am not suggesting that we become BFFs, just cordial.

Sorry you're in a nightmare situation foolio

OP posts:
mjinhiding · 13/07/2010 01:22

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foureleven · 13/07/2010 08:42

I dont have any advice.. Just offering support. Why cant people just be grown ups?!

EMS23 · 14/07/2010 13:29

Echoes of Foolio's story in mine too - my DH's ex has re written their history so that I take all the blame.

She still hates me but loves me looking after her DS and being at her beck and call.

Rant rant rant away!!

Allora - she has had 3 serious relationships in the time I've been with DH and it hasn't made a blind bit of difference to how she is about me.
But... i am 5 months pregnant and she WILL NOT be meeting my child unless I am there. Why should she be allowed to dictate all other areas of my life (including when I can go to our local supermarket - oh yes, I have alloted times!) and then expect me to melt away into the background as I always have when it's my baby?!

foolio · 14/07/2010 15:13

I really feel for all of you. I am, however talking a lot of comfort from knowing I am not the only person in a truly hellish situation.

EMS23 - when I first read your comment about the alloted times at the supermarket I almost fell off my chair!!

However, thinking about it, I have a self imposed exile on shopping in my nearest Tesco in case I run into the EW. Even if it was her who set your times, EMS, try and think of it in terms of the peace you get from such an arrangement.

I never want to see that woman again. Every time I think about the night she screamed at me in the street I could weep with the embarrassment of it all. Alloted times for shopping is a small price to pay for your sanity, believe me.

I hope things change for the better for you when your baby arrives, I am sure they will!

Keep smiling/doing the washing/ironing for the DSC in the meantime!

prettyfly1 · 14/07/2010 17:45

No. I just had a lengthy text message about how I am scum because she couldnt get hold of my dp because his phone is broken. Its a fxxxxg nightmare.

EMS23 · 15/07/2010 08:35

foolio - thanks, I also take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one!

I completely agree about taking comfort where you can. I've gone along with things which seem crazy to outsiders but for the most part, my life is generally peaceful, my DSS is happy in both his homes and my DH doesn't have to listen to both me and his ex screaming at him all the time!

prettyfly1 - shame you can't delete your number from her phone so you don't have to put up with that kind of shit. She sounds awful.

HollyGoHeavily · 15/07/2010 08:45

You have allotted times when you can go to the supermarket!!!!

Why do you put up with that? Why does she get to dictate what you can and can't do?

EMS23 · 15/07/2010 10:01

OK, I probably need to clarify this supermarket thing because it sounds worse than it is and in fairness, I don't really "put up with it".

She works in a school and goes to the supermarket after school some days. When we first moved to live closer to my DSS one of her main concerns was that we'd be forever bumping into each other and of course, within a week of us moving, I saw her in the supermarket.
She went off on one and told my DH to make sure I didn't go to the supermarket between 4 - 4.30pm on weekdays.
I took it with a pinch of salt, although she was deadly serious but I've not actually stuck to that edict and go when I want/ need to. However, a couple of weeks after that I got a job so now can't actually go at those times.

It's a non issue really but you're right HollyGoHeavily - she does have a ridiculous amount of control over my life and I could rattle off a list of things that would make you more shocked!!
I tell myself I out up with it to make my DH's and DSS's lives easier but the truth is that I have to put up with it because I have no control whatsoever when it comes to his ex and what she wants.

Daffydilly · 15/07/2010 13:13

Don't you just get totally fed up with being the reasonable one though? It really gets to me that I have to put up with stuff just to make things run along smoothly and to avoid being just another difficult person in DH life. It seems to me that being difficult gets his ex everything she wants and being reasonable actually means being a doormat.
End of rant... (for now!)

prettyfly1 · 15/07/2010 13:16

Oh so true. I had to hold my tongue all day yday and I swear to god I didnt want to - the woman is insane!

EMS23 · 15/07/2010 14:42

Daffydilly - I completely agree with you and it does feel a bit doormatty sometimes!

The thing that really really really upsets me and makes me want to divorce him is when he's having a particularly hard time with her and I'm there, supporting him, being the reasonable one.
Then, for whatever reason she decides to drop it, they have a heart to heart and he comes home telling me how happy he is and how life looks great etc... That really pisses me off.

Daffydilly · 15/07/2010 16:00

EMS23 - that's so true! and why does she have such an impact on how things are in our house. She needs to get a life of her own and stop running ours.

mjinhiding · 17/07/2010 08:47

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Libby10 · 18/07/2010 16:32

EW was in another relationship when I met my DH. She had had an affair with another man which led to marriage break-up and they had been separated 5 years. Still made no difference. She has always been difficult towards me and tried to exclude me as much as possible. In the end DH restricted contact with her to the minimum needed to keep things civil and we left her to it.

prettyfly1 · 19/07/2010 11:22

mj that would be amazing. I so need one of those.

Fruitysunshine · 19/07/2010 11:33

We are the same. I met DH after she filed for divorce but she did a lovely job of writing a letter to all of DH's family telling them exactly how I had wrecked things for her and DH. Strange really as they were living apart, going through an divorce and I have still not worked out where I wrecked their marriage!

Feel quite sorry for her now. Poor thing..

ladydeedy · 19/07/2010 11:48

crikey, sounds like there are lots of us in the same boat. my dh's exw had an affair and split the marriage up. her new man left her shortly afterwards (and before the divorce was finalised) at which point she decided she didnt want to get divorced after all! She's had a number of unsuitable boyfriends over the years. I met and married DH 8 years ago and she still cant bear the fact that he is happy and settled whilst her life is a mess. To be fair, she was reasonably ok and friendly at the very start, but that all changed when we got married. She's spent years telling lies to the children and it was difficult to hold my tongue when they repeated some of it, but I did. Years on, they now understand that it was all lies. They both actually apologised to me (bless them) for believing her - but who could blame them, they were too young to know otherwise. All I can say is, hang in there and those children will know the truth when they are older and her colours will be visible - all in good time...

secondtimer1 · 23/07/2010 23:41

ladydeedy, everything you say is so true - hope everyone reads your words and takes heart - it does get better, the children do eventually grow up and they have very good memories and usually vote with their feet. Even though the ex-w still manages to cock up most of our arrangements, we are hanging in there and living our lives. Like you, lady d, I have had to bite my tongue until it nearly came off. The thing is, there are no winners in all this, except maybe the children if they end up living in a happy household and can become the confident and well adjusted people they deserve to be.

ladydeedy · 25/07/2010 16:22

I do hope your tongue doesnt come off! - it is tough though, isnt it and I find it very difficult not to step in and say something and correct the wrongs that are being said or done.
In the end I realised that actually doing that gives her the attention she loves, and that by not responding, it really p8sses her off! Eventually she just kind of gave up - or maybe we did! In any case now we just try and ignore her and not react, and that way things are easier (for us and hopefully for kids too).

secondtimer1 · 26/07/2010 11:39

What I find most sad is seeing and hearing the kids realising the truth about who has done what, why and when etc to them. It's a kind of payback time for the parent who caused all the problems but they won't really care anyway because they have always been too selfish and self-seeking to realise the damage they were causing. But it really becomes such a privilege to be able to say "I was there for you, and loved you unconditionally" . I suppose the pay off for me is that I get to see the man I love not being torn apart by guilt, that there is someone else to do the parenting and ease the burden a bit - and he is then freed up a bit to have some quality time with me!

I used to spend a lot of time doing nothing and feeling miserable in my previous relationship - I don't get so much time alone with my new DP but the time we get is often magic - and the bonus is that all our kids get to see what its like to have 2 loving adults in their lives. Amazing that I can still feel like this today, despite having another evening "disarranged" by you know who last night but we made the best of it as you have to. It DOES get better as they get older - anyone out there going through hell today just please try and grit your teeth, do whatever it takes to make those kids feel good and you will get soooo much back in the long run.

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 27/07/2010 19:59

Yes it is possible. I met DP as he was divorcing. I'd known DP and his EX when they were a couple years ago then lost touch with them both, so we'd all been friends before.

I don't agree with everything she does as I'm sure she doesn't agree with everything I do but it's all small stuff and it's the kids that are important, not the grownups.

Most of all, she TRUSTS me with her children, and that's a biggy. When she told me that (via text) after I'd told her the children were ok after we'd broken the news of their beloved nan dying, it meant so so much. She told me that the kids were in the the best of hands with me, and I'll never forget it.

She hasn't found anyone else yet I don't think, but I hope she finds someone lovely.

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