Worried I've made a huge mistake

[RockinSockBunnies]

Apologies in advance if this turns out very rambling but I'm in a state and need some opinions.

So, I met DP last year, we're moving in together in a new area next month. I have DD (9) who has no relationship whatsoever with her biological father (he wanted nothing to do with her). DD and I are extremely close, I've not really had any significant relationships since I had her (aged 19) and so it's mostly been just the two of us.

Now, DP has a son, aged 7, who he has joint custody of with his ex. His son is autistic. He has the most acrimonious relationship with his ex - they had a two year custody battle, she levelled a slew of false allegations about him to the Police, Social Services became involved...it's been a nightmare.

So, until now, I haven't spent long periods of time with his son. As we're building up to all moving into the new house, his son is staying here for weekends. And I'm struggling. I don't know how to deal with his behaviour when he screams, throws things, hits DD, talks complete gibberish and spends large amounts of time staring into space or being totally hyperactive. Sometimes, when we're outside and he's calm, then we can have nice conversations (always slightly odd but nice) about gravity, aeroplanes, science etc. But these are few and far between.

I feel totally torn. I want to protect DD. She's finding him difficult to deal with as well as adapting to DP being around all the time. I feel so guilty that I'm uprooting DD from her friends and school to move to a new area so that DP's son can stay at the same school and be near his mother. I'm filled with dread that I'm going to have to deal with DP's son for a week at a time, every other week. I can't cope with him waking up at 5am and shrieking. I don't want him to wake DD up. I just don't know how to cope and how to deal with him. Especially since he's been through so much crap with his parents, is so vulnerable and I have no experience at all of dealing with Special Needs.

I want DD to have a proper family, to have as close to a father as is possible and to have siblings. I love DP and want to be with him. But how on earth do I deal with the situation? I'm sitting here surrounded by boxes, sobbing that I'm leaving this area and moving to a whole new place.

I can't talk to DP about this - what on earth could I say? That I can't deal with his Special Needs son? That I wish I we only had him at weekends and then I could at least recharge during the week? That I'm grateful that I'll be starting a job with very long hours in September and thus won't have to be at home very much anyway?

I feel like I'm such an awful person.

You're not an awful person. You are dealing with a lot of upheaval - moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do, you're moving in with a new partner into a new area, which is again stressful, and you have to get your DD used to a new situation and new family. Even without DP's autistic son that would be difficult.

I don't understand, though why you can't talk to DP about how to relate to his son. If you love him enough to move in with him, surely you can discuss something as important as his son and his needs. You aren't being unkind or insensitive in having fears and concerns and since DP's son's presence will have an impact on you and your DD, surely it's only reasonable for you to bring this up. (Although I wouldn't say anything about being grateful to be starting a job with long hours....)

Bumping....

What an awful situation to be in. What are your options though. Can you stay where you are, has your daughter relinquished her place at her present school, have you bought the new house or are you renting? etc etc.

Your priority is your daughter regardless of how hard it will be to let people down you cant continue with your current plans. If you are finding it difficult to handle an autistic child and you can guarantee your daughter is finding it much harder. Her peaceful secure world is in complete upheaval, new area, new school, new family. It's all too much at once.

If you lived with your dp for a year or so with full on residency of his son every other week it will enable you to see better if you could cope with it. I personally couldnt and you seemingly are now confronting the issue that you actually cant do it either.

You need to halt your plans, stay put and give it more time. Dont get swept along in the hope that it will get better.

In terms of current plans, we've signed a two year lease on new house, he's left his place and is temporarily staying here with me. We have a new school place and DD's school know that she's leaving.

Even if DP and I weren't moving in together I'd still have to move house as we'd need an additional bedroom for an au pair since I'm starting a new job with long hours. It was also on the cards that DD would be moving schools in all likelihood.

Today's been slightly better. I had a complete sobbing fit on DP earlier and explained how I was feeling. He was understanding though not especially helpful. His view is that I just need to learn how to deal with his DS and that this will come in time. Also, he feels his DS is testing boundaries with me, as well as being unsettled by the temporary living arrangements. He seems to think his DS is likely to outgrow a lot of the issues - I'm not entirely sure about that and think possibly he's in denial, but then I guess it's not my place to point that out.

I suppose I don't know how much of this post is appropriate to step-parenting, and how much to Special Needs. I just know that I'm desperate for answers and there really don't seem to be many out there .

It's good that you've been able to talk to your DP today.

Really, you shouldn't beat yourself up about finding his son a daunting prospect - your DP has had seven years to get used to him and learn his quirks. You need time (and guidance from DP) to learn them too, and be able to work out when his behaviour is down to his autism, and when it's just a seven-year-old trying it on. How does he deal with it when his DS is screaming, hitting your DD or being hyperactive?

But I agree with trifle - your DD comes first, and if having DP's son with you for a full week at a time is disturbing for her, you will need to find a way to deal with that. But children are resilient, and she may find it easier to get used to him than you do.

It must be very disruptive to his ds to live one place one week and another the next, do you think he might be feeling tense and worried about the new situation too?

Can I just add that your dp may be right about his ds testing boundaries and being unsettled at the moment, my ds[ASD] like most children with ASD suffers from high anxiety levels at any small change in routine, so just bear in mind that chances are it will get easier.