Coping with the losses - budding tennis player

[OldM0therTime]

My 9yo DS has got very into tennis over the last couple of years and has been progressing really well. He has recently started being put forward for LTA youth league fixtures with his club, and is always really keen when asked to do it but has had some really bad reactions on the court if he doesn't do as well as he would like it.

On one occasion he threw his racket so we pulled him out and took him home. Another he broke his heart crying because he got knocked out at semi final stage (this was an internal club tournament).

It's so hard to know how to handle him in these situations, or if we should be getting him to take a step back (which he says he doesn't want to do) or if it's all just part of the process and we just be there for comfort and reassurance when he needs it! He's very bright and very grown up for his age usually but really takes it all to heart.

I played a lot of competitive sport growing up but not at this level when I was his age. I was very driven to win and disappointed when I didn't but more able to rationalise because I was older.

Any other tennis mums out there for advice?

Not a tennis mum but I think your reaction is appropriate. Don’t tolerate shows of temper and console when upset (but don’t pander to it).

I would also be spending a lot of time ahead of competitions talking about how these are only games, that losing is expected and the most important thing at this stage is to try hard and learn.

Thank you. It's so hard watching him get into that state but it's early days, hopefully it will get easier for him in time. He really wants to be exceptional - I always worry people will think it's us pushing him! We have another one this morning so pep talk incoming on the journey over...

At this age, pre-loading the concept of disappointment can be very helplful. Talk through the scenario of losing / making a silly mistake / feeling that a call was unfair. Talk about it often and calmly. Ask him to consider how he might feel, ask him to suggest how he might act, and if those actions aren't appropriate, suggest alternatives (eg taking a square breath, looking at a bright light, reciting a mantra, or whatever works for him.)

Ask him why we play sport - if the only answer is to win, then he needs to rethink. Sport is for enjoyment, to improve skills, to be social, for fitness. Ask him how his behaviour might affect the enjoyment of the other player. It is important that he learns that his temper outbursts have consequences beyond himself.

Also explain to him that being good at a sport involves good sportsmanship, and that most decent coaches won't be interested in a player who loses their temper.

Please take very seriously your role here in supporting him to understand that this simply isn't acceptable, and giving him alternative ways to behave. I have seen talented young sportspeople lose out on opportunities because they never learned to hold their temper.

Also, keep in mind that your ittle 9-yr-old will be 2 foot taller before you know it. They get an adult-sized body long before they get an adult brain, and a stroppy 16 year old losing their temper is no joke.

My son plays decent level tournament tennis, although not the highest level. He is a young/mid teen now and really enjoys his tennis.

He recent helped at a grade 3 tournament at his club with the under 10s, and he told me that there was a lot of crying and racquet throwing.

It is really hard at that age and I think the important thing is to emphasise the fun aspect. Vanishingly few of them will earn money from tennis, so they have to understand it is for fun and, if it isn’t fun, they shouldn’t be doing it.

I think a good question to ask is whether they like tennis or winning more? If the answer is winning, maybe they need to reassess. I mean, everyone prefers to win than to lose! I guess the question is how they bounce back from losing. If they are down for a bit but keen to play again the next day, that is very positive.

I think you have done the right thing in not tolerating bad behaviour.

My son has been beaten by super well drilled 11 year olds when he was 13 (well drilled rather than talented as they have a one dimensional game which will really limit them later), a lot by ‘cheating’, aided and abetted by pushy parents. That is the dark side of competitive tennis. He knows that I would far prefer him to lose than to cheat.

Thank you - this is excellent advice.