Should I remove my son from pro rugby pathway

[Northerngirl87]

I have a 15 year old son who is in a prem rugby Acadamy. Since he was 11, he has been lucky enough to have some ex pros as coaches and has been coached to a very high standard but with lots of potential, and natural talent, he has had a lot of negative feedback and high expectations placed on him.
when he was picked up by a prem team to join their Acadamy, he was in his happy place - training was the highlight of his week. He absolutely ran rings around lots of the boys and was extremely dominant.
A few of the boys were invited for some extra training sessions (with the age group above) and my son was not included in this offer - this was quite shocking to lots of people and very confusing to my then 14 year old. He asked the coach what he needed to work on to be considered next time and the reply was basically, there is nothing you can do, you are in a really good place but the position you play makes it difficult for you to train uo. I am glad you are disappointed as this shows you are competitive.
This didn’t really help my son to understand why he wasn’t picked and he found out another boy of the same position was invited.
This (along with some other small inconveniences) have really knocked his confidence, he no longer loves training and if I’m honest, he is not training/playing as well as he was before (still very good but less vocal, dominant)
There was a game at the end of last season, and my son played well, lots of dominant contributions and he seemed to get a spark back. Then he returned to training this week and found himself in a training session in what he perceived to be the ‘weaker’ team.
He absolutely spiralled out of control, was rude to a coach, rude to team mates and just walked around like he didn’t give a shit.
The coach sent him a horrendous message basically telling him his attitude and behaviours were not what they were looking for and they won’t except a repeat of it. My son acknowledged it was poor and apologised, promising it’s wouldn’t happen again.
The coach then phoned his club coaches who have asked my son for a chat before a game this weekend and at school (he goes to a boys school that was arranged for him by the acadamy) the coaches and director of rugby are telling him he just comes across as rude, even the way he walks is rude, they feel he is hiding something and they are trying to help him, my son has no idea where this is all coming from and although he knows the last training session was not great, he thought everything else was fine, he has spent the week hiding in the toilet crying.
I do fear he has had his confidence knocked so much through this entire system that he is now over compensating with fake ego and I think they believe he is arrogant and need to knock him down a-bit but he’s actually sensitive and insecure and I’m genuinely worried about his mindset at the moment.
I am tempted to tell them where to go (other clubs would be interested in my son) but I feel that in the long run, my son needs to learn some resilience and working through this might be the best thing.
Am I being soft, protective and does he just need to prove them wrong or should I make the decision for him and remove him from the situation change schools/club?
Any advise would be appreciated

My younger brother went through a very similar thing with pro rugby and my advice would always be to move on to another club if possible. It's never worth the damage it does to mental health x

Another club, nepotism/favouritism somewhere .

His mental health has been battered beyond belief and all his love of rugby sounds dead. Poor lad.

Getting into the pro route of any sport is tough simply being dominant isn’t enough - attitude and willingness and belief are also necessary and he cannot spiral just because he is playing in what he believes to be a weaker team

does he still want it and does he think he can handle the knocks

Tell them where to go.

honestly youth elite sport is killing our kids mental health. Friends dd has left the country as the politics were destroying her. Same as your son, kids she was beating regularly were getting picked over her, sent on training camps and international comps, given funding etc.

it’s not worth it.

Looking at the big picture, I guess if he is going to become a pro he will have times when he isn’t picked for teams, or is up and down with fans/media etc. And it may well become a job…. So I guess he may have to ignore some things that he finds rough..

I 100% agree. Which is why I have not just pulled him out (I’ve been tempted).
yes he says he wants to do it - I am not sure if he has the resilience to take the knocks at the moment.
I do wonder if they are purposely testing his mental strength, but he’s only 15. I’ve worked very hard as a single parent to take the knocks in life so he doesn’t have to.
perhaps seeing how he reacts over the next few weeks will answer my question.
As his mum though - I want to call them all pricks and take him as far away from it as I can.

As much as l think sport, especially team sport is great for kids, this sounds toxic.
Def remove him and send him to a different club - fresh start.

@Northerngirl87 life has knocks though teaching him how to handle them and how to move forward with them is vital not just in sport
but it may be this club just isn’t the right fit

These aren’t “knocks”

this is adults deliberately excluding kids, or giving others advantages for their own reasons.

there comes a point where resilience isn’t a factor, because they learn it doesn’t matter how many times they come back and prove themselves, these adults don’t want them to reach their goals, and will stand in the way of them doing so.

these adults won’t change their behaviour, so you need to get away from them, or they will destroy them.

I was actually speaking more generally that protecting a child from the negative side of life doesn’t help - the OP says she feels she needs to do so as his parent and my point is actually she needs to help him work through them

because pro sport is always about others being picked above you and others being chosen for different reasons - it is a brutal brutal arena to try and achieve in because team sports is about finding the right team and isn’t always the best 11 players. Sometimes as well it will involve playing in as the OP says weaker team - presumably here to build up his leadership skills

testing mental strength for Pro sport at 15 does make sense as well - and none of the examples above are necessarily exclusion or bullying either - he didn’t need the extra training another boy did

in this situation he should be moved as I think the relationship has broken down but recognising that the initial decisions will potentially be copied in other clubs is a factor in whether he wishes to continue the pro line or just more for fun amateur level

From my experience of my kids playing rugby to a standard beyond club rugby, it is very much based on favouritism and nepotism. My ex played to international level back before it was professional, and coached at all levels after retiring, and it has always been like that.

I don’t agree that coaches will deliberately thwart a player, they will just put their energy into promoting their favourites. It can be brutal, as the ones that don’t fit for whatever reason will just be spat out of the system. There will always be more kids to take their place.

Presumably you have talked to him about the system and managing expectations?

I think you are right in seeing how it goes for now but explore options to move him to another club if you can.

This is so tricky. From what you are saying I feel that the coach / other adults have not expressed themselves clearly and as a consequence your son is filling in the blanks. Now it is a vicious cycle of behaviour (even subconsciously) from your son reinforcing their (perhaps initially) unjust perceptions. The air needs cleared - unconscious bias (adults are not immune) - means your son won’t get a fair shot even if he does take the very important and mature step to adjust his attitude and behaviour with self-awareness. I would suggest you support him in a conversation with the coach where he prepares some questions he has and the coach answers and you coach your son in advance to prove for more specific feedback. This will help your son increase his understanding and grow in confidence to deal with similar situations in future. I would also suggest coaching your son to think about what he thinks and feels anout and wants from the sport. Sometimes teams don’t need the best players but need a balanced team this might be behind some decision making and would be helpful to know. The best individual players might not make the best team unit if that makes sense. Lastly I’d suggest running through a few scenarios with your son on next steps if the best outcome or the worst outcome (from his perspective) results from the discussion eg moving club, sticking with this one but genuinely taking on and acting on feedback etc. This will help him learn from the experience but make his feel he has coping strategies for this and future challenging moments life might send his way.

I wish you and him the best