U13s football - advice on tackling coach

[Whatafustercluck]

I know this is often a debated subject so just looking for some opinions and guidance. I'll try to be as honest as possible.

Ds plays for a team. Training one evening a week, playing matches at the weekend. Ds is loud, and can be a bit of a clown in training. Others in the team are the same, so his behaviour is not unusual among his teammates. He has adhd, but is really into his football and when on the pitch he's focused, enthusiastic, passionate and hard working. He's also pretty skilled - fast, great crosser of the ball, best throw in taker, a bit of an all rounder, but he lacks finishing. He's a mid fielder though, so he has a lot of assists and is a play maker. His communication on the pitch is great, his attitude to others is generally supportive. He's very 'teamy'. He's told his coach that there are numerous positions he's happy to play in, despite preferring the wing.

Ds always starts on the bench. The coach's son and three other players start every game, finish every game and are not substituted unless injured. Coach says all players get equal playing time. This is true for all except the four players mentioned. My issue is not so much total playing time as always starting on the bench.

Coach's son (ds's best friend) is a striker, and quite a mouthy one. He's always in trouble on the pitch - getting into fights and arguments with the ref and other players. The behaviour is never pulled up by the coach (if ds behaved like that, I'd take him off the pitch and he'd start on the bench the following match). His mother largely excuses his behaviour by saying he's been goaded by the opposition because he's the biggest threat.

Coach has made a big thing about punctuality and said that if players are late, they'll start on the bench (good rule if applied fairly). Ds was there ahead of time on Saturday. Another player (one of those who gets to start AND finish every match) was very late but still got to start the match and played for the duration.

We've taken issue with the coach previously and tried to be constructive and work things through. We see a short term improvement and then he reverts to type.

Ds is now thoroughly demotivated, refers to himself as a bench warmer and his head has started to go down. He feels that nothing he does is good enough to earn him a start. So, I need to raise it with the coach.

My intention is to watch ds for the full training session with instruction to him to give it his all, focus well and not muck about. We're going to get to the match early at the weekend. So, theoretically there should be no reason to start ds on the bench. And if he again starts on the bench, contact the coach to explain how demotivated and crest fallen ds is, ask for an explanation and make some observations about consistency in upholding the rules. Ds is trying hard not to take it personally, but honestly, it feels personal.

Any thoughts?

I have a 13yr old boy who plays football. Tbh I don't think you're going to get anywhere speaking with the coach. Maybe time to start looking for another team that's a better fit for your son?

We've considered it. Truth is though that part of the attraction for ds is the social element - he's playing alongside his friends. He flip flops between wanting to move on to a more local side and wanting to continue playing with his friends. He worries that if he leaves, he'll be targeted by current players and teased - and his best friend (coach's son) will dump him as punishment.

I get that. It's so tought isn't it. I don't think you are going to do him any favours by getting involved, maybe he'd be better to speak to the coach and ask what he needs to be doing to earn more game time? Unfortunately some players just are not as strong as others and by this stage it's competitive and the coach needs to play the better ones otherwise he'll have other players and parents at home for fielding a weaker team.

He's genuinely one of the team's strongest players. I get that sounds biased - I'm his mum, after all, and primary cheer leader! I know a fair bit about football and what makes a good player, and i apply logic and as much objectivity as i can to help ds improve further. But other parents have said the same - he's a strong player in all respects and they don't know why he's not being started. So I don't think this is a case of him not being good enough.

Also, a good player is as much about attitude and work ethic as it is about skill. Ds's attitude is great when you compare that to other players.

With respect a coach will always play their strongest players. They want to win.

Attitude etc will be highlighted but the results will always lead a coaches choices. Do you honestly believe your son delivers better results than others?

What do other patents think?

Unfortunately, with volunteer based organisations (which I'm guessing this is) the coaches are often extremely keen, but they aren't perfect. They will have unconscious bias. And it sounds like this one has his favourites and least favourites, even if he doesn't realise it. And maybe passing it onto his son, who then thinks he's invincible.

Unfortunately your son will probably need to chose between his mates or a decent game.

Whatever you do, do NOT air your grievances on the group chat. Speak to the coach separately.

Also, at his age, it's not about equal playing time for some clubs. It's all about attitude and aptitude (as decided by the coach) If the coach finds your DS hard work or thinks he's disruptive AND if he thinks hes not quite good enough to get away woth that behaviour etc, he is automatically going to put him on the bench. Sad fact is, maybe the coach is hoping your DS will leave for another team.

There are some teams that are less competitive than he may be more suited to.

However, if DS doesn't want to leave the team, I'd speak privately to the coach and then read between the lines with what he's saying.

The four who regularly start and finish are probably the strongest (with the exception of attitude). The remaining players are fairly evenly matched, but yes, I (and other parents) believe ds deserves to start ahead of others and that those who should start should vary week to week depending on a range of things including skill. The biggest issue here is not total playing time - most of the players including ds are broadly similar in this respect. It's not starting the matches that's affecting him.

I'd make this less about your DS specifically and more about the rules.
Hi Coach, I noticed a few things recently. I know we have a rule about being late ehich I wholeheartedly support but last week a late player was not penalised. And I know you've said that every player gets equal time but I've noticed there's a few that get more playing time."

Focus on his rules and how you support them and how they are being broken. He can't argue with that.

If necessary remind him about the Raising Boys thing on teen boys on the top things they want to know which include " what are the rules and will they be fairly applied"

Oh gosh no I'd never air it on group chat, ever.

I'd much rather not have to read between the lines. If the coach thinks he's not good enough or has the wrong attitude, I'd rather hear it.

He genuinely does seem to have it in for ds. On trophy presentation day in the summer, ds was the only player he made a negative joke about, publicly. One of the assistant coaches clocked that and checked in on him afterwards, attempted to address it and how ds felt (humiliated).

I'm not one of those parents who believes ds is the best, or that he never does anything wrong. But the more I write here, the more I'm erring towards thinking the coach just doesn't want him, for whatever reason. It breaks my heart because ds is genuinely good at football, as well as a lovely boy who takes on ideas for improvement (across the board) without complaint.

This is a really good point. Ds has a strong sense of injustice and perceived inequality in application of the rules and I definitely think this is fuelling how he feels generally. If it was consistent, I don't think we'd have a problem with that. I also thought to approach it in a 'can you tell me which parts of ds's game he need to focus on improving' way.

I'm afraid, rightly or wrongly, it sounds like the coach doesn't like your son. After 20 years of watching two boys play grassroots football I think you're on a hiding to nothing tbh. There were always parents on any team at some age that thought something was unfair. And boys did subsequently leave.
And experience tells me as they get older, more competitive etc, the stronger players (and especially sons of managers!) carry more clout and it may only get worse.

My ds has played all through to adult football and at some points to quite a high level.

Football is really opinion based, some coaches will think a player is brilliant and give them 90minutes every week, another coach will use the same player as an impact player, to come on and make the difference to the team.

If your son (not you) is unhappy and denting his confidence, then look for a new team for the new season (but keep it quiet). Football is about enjoyment, if the negatives are outweighing the positives then move teams, but do ask about the ethos of the team if equal game time rather than the score sheet is important to you. I wouldn’t waste my time bringing up with the coach, he’s fully aware of the decisions he is making week in week out.

DS moved away from home for uni and the coach at outside uni football isn’t a big fan, even though ds is now in a lower league than previously played. However he’s staying as it’s mostly mates from uni playing, he likes the team, likes the social, having fun and playing 90mins for uni each week. If this outside team was his only football he’d move teams - but it is what it is.

It is at the age where they are presumably in a league and the coach has one eye on the win! It is a thankless task being the unpaid volunteer coach of a team. By your own admission the 4 who play all match are the strongest (leaving aside attitude). I would approach the coach on a softly softly basis starting with I understand they all get the same match time but would it be at all possible for DS to start some matches rather than come on as a sub?

It may well be that he doesn't start because he is one of the better other players and he wants him to come on at full strength when the 4 "best" ones may be tiring and he wants to use him then rather than when they are all fresh and full of running.

It may be worth approaching the coach this way or indeed explaining to DS because he is good they want to save him for the final surge so the team performance is optimised.

Having just been through this, my advice is say nothing and move him. It's end of season, there will be plenty of teams looking for players. Go to different training sessions for different teams and find a good fit for your son. I spoke up, it made things worse for my son. I'd never do it again, I would just silently leave.