Post your questions about teenage anxiety here for Q&A with Nicola Morgan, Author of The Teenage Guide to Stress.

[ChrissieMumsnet]

This week we're running a Q&A with author Nicola Morgan who will be answering your questions on adolescent health to coincide with her new book The Teenage Guide to Stress.

Nicola Morgan has that rare gift of being able to communicate science and make it fun - Professor Simon Baron-Cohen, Cambridge University

Nicola Morgan is an expert on the teenage brain and adolescent stress, known for her international bestseller Blame My Brain: The Amazing Teenage Brain Revealed. Nicola frequently lectures in schools and at conferences on the subject of stress. Her comprehensive new book, The Teenage Guide to Stress explores issues facing teenagers in the modern day, ranging from body image to mental health, cyber-bullying to sexual development. Nicola investigates the science behind these problems in a fun and informative manner as well as providing helpful strategies to help deal with them - a must read book for parents and teenagers alike.

If you have a question for Nicola or a query surrounding the topic of teenage stress, health and general wellbeing, just post them in the thread below by Thursday 18 September and we'll post Nicola's responses up on Wednesday 24 September.

Hi, my DD is 15 and has recently started having panic attacks. She thinks it's been triggered by a close member of our family being seriously ill and the the stress of exams. I've had her checked out by a Doctor (blood tests to check iron levels etc) and she's starting to see a Psychologist to get some strategies but my question is why does this seem such a common thing now. I can't remember anyone at my school having panic attacks?

I'm off to buy your book now so perhaps I'm asking something you've already answered :)

Have namechanged for this as DC know my current nick.

Nicola, I really enjoyed Blame My Brain, great book, and it's been useful for both my teen and upcoming teen.

The question essentially is how you can convince a reluctant teen to start CBT if this has been urgently recommended by a psychiatrist.

DD1 has been suffering what we think are psychosomatic symptoms since starting secondary school (and puberty). She's now 16. She's easily missing 20% of lessons because of stomach aches, exhaustion, headaches etc. We live in a country where academic selection is compulsory, so she's in a traditional grammar school. Academically she's coping fine - in fact she'd find it more frustrating in a less academic setting and is happy with her friends - but she puts herself under huge pressure to do well, while also being very scatty and disorganised. She gets outraged by any perceived injustice, whether among her friends, from teachers or on a global scale. The two family members she was closest two apart from DH and me have died in the last three years - one of them violently. And she's coming to terms with coming out as gay, which we're trying to support her through, but it's been a rocky road at school. That's a lot for one teenager to cope with. A psychiatric evaluation (which we had to coax her into) confirmed that it was not physical, and recommended a course of CBT - but she's refusing. She also won't do yoga or any sort of relaxation techniques (eg I have a Jacobsen CD at home). I'm really worried she's going to stress herself out to the point of a breakdown - she's just started the equivalent of A-levels and the pressure will only get greater. As part of the evaluation she had an IQ test, which found that she scored very highly for logical thinking and very low for working memory: a disparity of nearly 40 points. Any suggestions?

I have a nearly 14 year old daughter who is unable to talk or share any feelings with me at all. She has always been like this. She is not lacking in confidence in other ways, but will never seek out conversation and in particular will store up problems until I hear about them through someone else like her best friends mother for example. She will sometimes talk to friends, but will often say silly things that often arn't exactly true or a huge exaggeration, I believe often to get attention, so I am concerned she has no outlet for working through her anxieties where she can get proper advice.

The main complication is she has a younger brother who is severely disabled. She cannot bear to talk about him, mostly acts like he is invisible in the house, and has had outbursts of anger towards the situation and me, as if I am somehow going to solve this problem for her. It is heartbreaking for me, bc I believe she has never come to terms with the reality of his handicap (mainly mental). She has never had any counselling as when I have suggested she talk to someone, she is reluctant.

I do not know whether to push this route, or how to get her to talk about her feelings. Please help!

I wonder whether you can give me any advice on helping my son through his GCSE year. He feels a lot of pressure to do well but at the same time needs someone on him to make sure he works hard. I need to find a way of getting him to work hard but without totally stressing him out - something I'm not very good at ! Can you help?

Would second 4Toffees question, although our DS is in Yr 9.

Also DS (14) has not gone thro' puberty yet. It was entirely predictable that he would develop later rather than sooner as both DW and I were nigh on 15 when puberty finally reached us! DS is not overly small for his age but is making comments about how deep the other boys voices are and how much they've grown up. It is obviously an issue for him. How do we help him to successfully manage his frustrations about not being at that stage yet?

Thanks.

Hi Nicola. A relative of mine (16YO girl) is recovering from anorexia and has had/is having a very tough time. She's just started sixth form college after managing to get some fairly decent GCSE results, although she didn't do as well as she could've done because of her illness, and this, among other things, contributes to a general lack of self-esteem, heightened sense of anxiety and stress levels etc. I was just wondering if you had any advice on what (if anything) we, her extended family, could do to be of help/comfort to her? We don't live in the same city unfortunately.

Hi Nicola, my son is 14 and cripplingly shy to the point he daren't go to the local shop on his own. He has trouble with eye contact and can even be shy amongst those he knows well.

I thought it might get better with age but it isn't.

Is there anything I can do to help him? His elder brother and my partner would like to help him too.

Hi Nicola,
Blame my brain was a great read and very helpful with my two sons. Thank you.
I'm desperate for the day when they are both happy to give me a massive hug! I miss being able to embrace them, I have a sense any hugs I get now brings them out in hives. Will they ever get over it?
thanks

Hi Nicola,
My worry is that my son has never ever broken a rule. He seems unable to come out of his little world and misbehave. I don't feel this is a particularly good thing as I feel it smacks of inhibitions and suppressed issues. He's nineteen now, and a lovely guy, but my fear is that some massive calamity (drugs, drop out of education etc) will happen. He has an older brother with SN and I wonder if he's always felt he needs to be perfect for us. We've never intentionally given off these kind of vibes, quite the opposite. But I can't shake the fear of a fall sometime soon.
Any thoughts?

stressedteenager excuse me for butting in, but I wonder if they gave really ruled out all physical illnesses for your DD - you could be writing about my own DD, who after years of Drs insisting it was psychosomatic - she was finally diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Hypermobility - sometimes called Joint hypermobility syndrome - amongst other things it causes anxiety as the autonomic nervous system is out of whack & anxiety makes it worse

Hi I've just come across this and hope I'm not too late. My ds is soon to be 11 (so not quite a teenager) but he is an early developer, so hope he can still be included. I haven't read your books yet, but they sound extremely interesting so I'm going to definitely order them.

My question is how can I manage ds' anger. He gets very verbally aggressive with everyone in the family and I usually find out later that he's having an issue at school so I suppose he's taking it out on us. I'd love to know a strategy that works to stop the anger and aggression in its tracks, as it's very upsetting for all of us (including ds I suspect)
Thank you.

Sorry also meant to say that I have a feeling his anger stems from anxiety, frustration and not being able to handle friendships well. He asked me last night how he could become less sensitive (how to make sure he doesn't cry if someone shouts at him) but then wouldn't go into specifics of what had happened, so I think he could benefit from a few strategies.

Thanks again and sorry for the double post.

We're closing the Q&A now and will send over the questions to Nicola today. We'll post up Nicola's answers on Wednesday 24th September.

We now have Nicola's answers back and will be posting them up shortly.

@Weemacgreegor

Hi, my DD is 15 and has recently started having panic attacks. She thinks it's been triggered by a close member of our family being seriously ill and the the stress of exams. I've had her checked out by a Doctor (blood tests to check iron levels etc) and she's starting to see a Psychologist to get some strategies but my question is why does this seem such a common thing now. I can't remember anyone at my school having panic attacks?

I'm off to buy your book now so perhaps I'm asking something you've already answered :)

Hi WeeMacgreegor
I'm sorry your daughter is having panic attacks but it's great that she is getting some treatment from a psychologist – I'm sure this will help. As to your question: there are a number of possibilities. First, though panic attacks are not exactly rare, they are not everyday occurrences, so, if none of your close friends happened to suffer them, you may not have been aware if any of the rest of your year group happened to have any. Second, memories are strange things: whether we remember things from many years back depends on a variety of intangible factors, including how emotionally affected we were by the incident. So, it's very possible that you just don't remember because the incidents didn't make a big impression on you or you had other things on your mind. Panic attacks are definitely not a new thing, though we probably talk about them more now (and understand them better) and we tend not to hide them as we might have in the past. There's a section on them in the Teenage Guide to Stress and some general relaxation and breathing strategies. Finally, I'd like to reassure your daughter that with good treatment it's very likely that she will be able to put panic attacks completely behind her. The strategies she will learn will help for the rest of her life, not just with panic but with anxiety and stress in general. I wish her well!

@stressedteenager

Have namechanged for this as DC know my current nick.

Nicola, I really enjoyed Blame My Brain, great book, and it's been useful for both my teen and upcoming teen.

The question essentially is how you can convince a reluctant teen to start CBT if this has been urgently recommended by a psychiatrist.

DD1 has been suffering what we think are psychosomatic symptoms since starting secondary school (and puberty). She's now 16. She's easily missing 20% of lessons because of stomach aches, exhaustion, headaches etc. We live in a country where academic selection is compulsory, so she's in a traditional grammar school. Academically she's coping fine - in fact she'd find it more frustrating in a less academic setting and is happy with her friends - but she puts herself under huge pressure to do well, while also being very scatty and disorganised. She gets outraged by any perceived injustice, whether among her friends, from teachers or on a global scale. The two family members she was closest two apart from DH and me have died in the last three years - one of them violently. And she's coming to terms with coming out as gay, which we're trying to support her through, but it's been a rocky road at school. That's a lot for one teenager to cope with. A psychiatric evaluation (which we had to coax her into) confirmed that it was not physical, and recommended a course of CBT - but she's refusing. She also won't do yoga or any sort of relaxation techniques (eg I have a Jacobsen CD at home). I'm really worried she's going to stress herself out to the point of a breakdown - she's just started the equivalent of A-levels and the pressure will only get greater. As part of the evaluation she had an IQ test, which found that she scored very highly for logical thinking and very low for working memory: a disparity of nearly 40 points. Any suggestions?

Hi. Gosh, your daughter has some big and difficult things to deal with. But she has very supportive parents, which will be a hugely important factor in helping her through this tough period and the two traumatic bereavements she has had to face. I'm interested in why she is resisting CBT. Is this because she had been hoping that the stomach aches etc had a "physical" cause? (As someone who suffered those symptoms, I identify with that hope.) If this is the case, she needs to understand that "psychological" does not mean "imaginary" – they are physical symptoms, stemming from chemicals and pathways in the brain, and require help to sort them out. I spent a lot of my childhood suffering stomach-aches, headaches, nausea and insomnia and wish CBT had been around then – instead of which, I was, appallingly, given sedatives.

I have two points I'd like to make. First, it's highly likely that the poor working memory score is because she is under stress. When we are stressed, some of our working memory and "brain power" is occupied by that stress, and we cannot perform as well. So, it's important, I think, for her to see that the stress is likely to hamper her academic performance – and this may give her a powerful motivation to tackle the problem. Obviously, you need to be a little careful how you phrase this, so as not to make her more stressed, but she’s a bright girl and should be able to see that too much stress will make it harder for her to achieve her goals.

Secondly, I suggest that you offer her a real choice, which will give her some control. The choice is either to get professional help to control her stress or to tackle it proactively herself. I think that once the choice has been offered, it would be a good idea to back away for a week, and see what decision she makes after researching for herself what her options are. The Teenage Guide to Stress gives lots of suggestions about this. You mentioned that she's resisting things such as yoga – I suspect this is because she needs to find some ideas herself and feel a sense of control and choice. You are being so supportive but I wonder if there's a way of empowering her to use her very clever brain to help herself. She needs to understand that every human is vulnerable and that she is not showing weakness for needing help. I made myself ill at various times in my adolescence and twenties, because I didn't look after myself, and I remember resisting other people's suggestions.

One final point: it sounds to me as though she takes life very seriously indeed (for understandable reasons) and maybe has forgotten to build pleasure into her life. We need a bit of pleasure every day, some way to let off steam, whether by having a laugh with friends, walking on a beach, or having a long bath while reading a book or magazine. We should not feel guilty about having fun and relaxation – it's an important part of looking after our health.

I wish your daughter the very best. She is welcome to email me if she would like me to explain anything I've said.

@binbo

I have a nearly 14 year old daughter who is unable to talk or share any feelings with me at all. She has always been like this. She is not lacking in confidence in other ways, but will never seek out conversation and in particular will store up problems until I hear about them through someone else like her best friends mother for example. She will sometimes talk to friends, but will often say silly things that often arn't exactly true or a huge exaggeration, I believe often to get attention, so I am concerned she has no outlet for working through her anxieties where she can get proper advice.

The main complication is she has a younger brother who is severely disabled. She cannot bear to talk about him, mostly acts like he is invisible in the house, and has had outbursts of anger towards the situation and me, as if I am somehow going to solve this problem for her. It is heartbreaking for me, bc I believe she has never come to terms with the reality of his handicap (mainly mental). She has never had any counselling as when I have suggested she talk to someone, she is reluctant.

I do not know whether to push this route, or how to get her to talk about her feelings. Please help!

This is really interesting. It's a situation I've thought about a lot recently, as I've been trying to write a novel centred around a girl in almost exactly the situation you describe!

So, there seem to be two things going on: the fact that she won't talk to you about her own feelings or problems and her negative feelings towards her brother. There are a number of factors that could be going on in her head, though I could be wrong about any of them, so I will rely on you to make the judgement: she could well feel guilty about her feelings towards her brother; this could be making her feel bad about herself, feel like a bad person; she won't want to tell you about that, naturally, as she may feel (even if it's not true) that you will think less of her for the feelings that she would voice. Saying exaggerated things to others is interesting, too – and it's really understandable that she would want attention in this way. (I'm sure you give her attention, but she could easily feel that she gets less attention than her brother, or different attention.) Also, as the child who is not disabled, she carries a burden of responsibility, to achieve, to be a "good girl", to keep out of the way, not to give you extra worry. She may not want to tell you her problems because she feels that you have enough to worry about with her brother. So, a mixture of guilt, anger, frustration and not yet with the verbal power to describe her feelings to you.

You ask whether you should push her towards counselling. Well, I think first you would need to focus on the fact that this is to make her feel better, rather than to cure a "problem". There's a subtle difference there. I think it is important that she doesn't feel there's something wrong with her, but rather that some things have happened to her that are making her feel bad/unhappy/angry and that it's not fair that she should have to suffer unnecessarily. If she really doesn't want to see anyone, there's probably not much you can do.

Meanwhile, keep reassuring her that you are there and would love her to talk to you about any problems. But don't push it. "I'm here if you want to talk to me" probably needs to be said every week! Can you make special plans to do things together, just the two of you? Whether it's shopping or a trip to somewhere exciting? Car journeys or walks can be great for talking, because you don't have to have eye contact.

Finally, try not to be offended if you're not the person she chooses to talk to. (And do reassure her that you won't be offended.) It's very natural and there are all sorts of good reasons why sometimes a young person wants to talk to another adult. The Teenage Guide to Stress is full of suggestions about finding a "trusted adult".

@4Toffees

I wonder whether you can give me any advice on helping my son through his GCSE year. He feels a lot of pressure to do well but at the same time needs someone on him to make sure he works hard. I need to find a way of getting him to work hard but without totally stressing him out - something I'm not very good at ! Can you help?

Hi 4Toffees. I think the best way is going to be planning ahead, so that the work can be spread out and won't feel too daunting, and so that you won't have to be at each other's throats in the lead-up to exams, which, as you say, will lead to him being stressed out – and you! And part of that, I think, should be a system of planned rewards. For example, working out what needs to be done each week and then having whatever reward when that has been done (or after impressive effort.) How you work this out will depend on his particular strengths, weaknesses and what makes him tick. It could be as basic as saving up for a particular gadget, or a trip, or days off, or whatever. I don't think you should plan ahead too far – a month at most, I suggest. And I think it's very important to let him create the targets and plan, rather than foisting them on him. Then you negotiate the rewards together. And make sure that you both always remember the reason for having the plan: to make sure that he can achieve the best results possible with the last stress.

Setting goals and targets (and writing them down) is a valuable trick. The goals need to be manageable, realistic and measurable. For example "work hard" is not measurable, but "make notes on XX book" is.

I hope that helps! But finally, remember that these are his exams. You can only help to a certain extent, and one of the hardest things as a parent is to allow our kids to make mistakes.

@brandnewinformation

Hi Nicola. A relative of mine (16YO girl) is recovering from anorexia and has had/is having a very tough time. She's just started sixth form college after managing to get some fairly decent GCSE results, although she didn't do as well as she could've done because of her illness, and this, among other things, contributes to a general lack of self-esteem, heightened sense of anxiety and stress levels etc. I was just wondering if you had any advice on what (if anything) we, her extended family, could do to be of help/comfort to her? We don't live in the same city unfortunately.

Hi. I'm very sorry you have this worry about your 16yo relative. It's wonderful that you want to help. Obviously, I don't know what your relationship is, but I think one thing you can offer to her and her parents (?) is a change of scene. I think it's really important for people going through big stresses to be able to get away from the place where they are spending most of their time, and have a change of scene and pace. I know you're not in the same city, and that actually can be an advantage because there could be day trips or weekends, either for the girl on her own, or for her family. And I think that these trips could be anorexia-free zones, where it's not discussed and where you all try to forget about it (hard, I know!) and focus on fun, games, fresh air, watching DVDs, just normal things but in a different setting from usual. And if there are other siblings, give them some attention, too – perhaps separately.

It's also important for the girl to realise that exam results are not the only route to success. She can do more qualifications later, if she wants to. I think she should focus on continuing her recovery from this horrible illness and trying to enjoy life. So, I think your role could be as the provider of enjoyment. You can be the respite, the shelter, the haven, and the source of fun.

@FreakinScaryCaaw

Hi Nicola, my son is 14 and cripplingly shy to the point he daren't go to the local shop on his own. He has trouble with eye contact and can even be shy amongst those he knows well.

I thought it might get better with age but it isn't.

Is there anything I can do to help him? His elder brother and my partner would like to help him too.

I think it will get better with age, but 14 is probably the most difficult age of all. Adolescence is a time of extreme self-consciousness, and the teenage brain even processes social embarrassment differently and more acutely. So, don't despair.

The eye contact thing, again, is by no means going to last forever. My younger daughter, at around the same age, could not make eye contact, even with me. By 17/18 she was entirely different and could have a mature conversation with anyone, while looking them in the eye with confidence, and smiling. We didn't do anything – she just changed – though we did try to give her some strategies for when she was talking to adults, such as remembering to ask them how they are etc. I think shyness is often about not knowing what to say, and I also think most people are shy underneath – we just learn skills to hide it.

You mentioned as an example that he can't go to the local shop on his own. How would he respond to having this as a goal, say for two week's time? You could (with him) break the task into steps and he could work up to it. Get him to analyse his feelings when he manages to achieve it. And then use that as a starting point for further challenges. But do be careful not to set tasks that are too daunting for him. Help him understand that lots of people have fears or phobias, and in some ways that’s what this is.

I also recommend that you (and he) investigate Social Anxiety Disorder. It maybe that this is what is going on for him – but it may not. The Teenage Guide to Stress mentions this and there are websites and forums where people who suffer from this particular form of anxiety. I think he will find it reassuring and will find strategies to help him.

Worrying too much about it certainly won't help, but also running away from it isn't the right strategy, I feel. So, small and manageable goals and lots of praise when he achieves one. But also periods of time when you just focus on the things he's good at.

@Runningupthathillalot

Hi Nicola, Blame my brain was a great read and very helpful with my two sons. Thank you. I'm desperate for the day when they are both happy to give me a massive hug! I miss being able to embrace them, I have a sense any hugs I get now brings them out in hives. Will they ever get over it? thanks

Thanks, Runningupthathillalot – I'm so glad Blame My Brain was helpful. I can tell you quite firmly that, yes, they will get over the hug-hives! There are lots of reasons why many boys (and girls) have a phase of really not wanting to come anywhere near their parents, and none of the reasons are anything you have done. But yes, it's only temporary, and once they are adults they will return to being happy to receive and give a hug – even if along with their dirty washing and a request for money! So, this really is a case of hanging in there, being there for them (which you have to keep saying, by the way) and not being upset by what feels like rejection. On the other hand, I believe there is no harm in you saying, occasionally, "Come on, boys, give your poor Mum a hug!" in a light-hearted tone, just so they know that you'd like one.

@teaandcakethanks

Hi Nicola, My worry is that my son has never ever broken a rule. He seems unable to come out of his little world and misbehave. I don't feel this is a particularly good thing as I feel it smacks of inhibitions and suppressed issues. He's nineteen now, and a lovely guy, but my fear is that some massive calamity (drugs, drop out of education etc) will happen. He has an older brother with SN and I wonder if he's always felt he needs to be perfect for us. We've never intentionally given off these kind of vibes, quite the opposite. But I can't shake the fear of a fall sometime soon. Any thoughts?

I know a girl who was like that! On the last day at school, she dared to go on the forbidden grass, and that was a big deal! However, I don't believe it's necessarily a sign of inhibitions and suppressed issues – it might be, but I don't think you should assume so. And I definitely do not believe this puts him at risk of any of those things you've mentioned. Being rebellious is not a prerequisite of adolescence, just as risk-taking isn't. Lots of teenagers are neither rebellious nor risk-takers.

One thing you don't mention: whether he is afraid to take risks? Breaking rules is one form of risk-taking, but we do want to encourage young people to take other sorts of risks, such as aiming high and not being afraid of failure. But that is a very different worry from the one you have mentioned.

So, don't worry about your lovely son not being rebellious or a rule-breaker. He sounds very balanced and sensible!

@RockinHippy

stressedteenager excuse me for butting in, but I wonder if they gave really ruled out all physical illnesses for your DD - you could be writing about my own DD, who after years of Drs insisting it was psychosomatic - she was finally diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Hypermobility - sometimes called Joint hypermobility syndrome - amongst other things it causes anxiety as the autonomic nervous system is out of whack & anxiety makes it worse

Rockinhippy – I'm sorry your DD was not properly diagnosed and had extra unnecessary stress, but it's really important to point out that the symptoms that stressedteenager mentioned (stomach aches, exhaustion, headaches) are really common with all forms of anxiety and stress, and are very general symptoms, so the chances of them being caused by EDH are statistically very slim. Of course, all physical causes need to be ruled out, and you make a very good point that sometimes things are missed, and I'm sure stressedteenager will try every avenue to make sure everything is covered. Thank you so much for contributing.

@gottasmile

Hi I've just come across this and hope I'm not too late. My ds is soon to be 11 (so not quite a teenager) but he is an early developer, so hope he can still be included. I haven't read your books yet, but they sound extremely interesting so I'm going to definitely order them.

My question is how can I manage ds' anger. He gets very verbally aggressive with everyone in the family and I usually find out later that he's having an issue at school so I suppose he's taking it out on us. I'd love to know a strategy that works to stop the anger and aggression in its tracks, as it's very upsetting for all of us (including ds I suspect)
Thank you.

@gottasmile

Sorry also meant to say that I have a feeling his anger stems from anxiety, frustration and not being able to handle friendships well. He asked me last night how he could become less sensitive (how to make sure he doesn't cry if someone shouts at him) but then wouldn't go into specifics of what had happened, so I think he could benefit from a few strategies.

Thanks again and sorry for the double post.

Hi gottasmile – absolutely, an 11yo is already adolescent, so your question is very valid and welcome! Actually, there is a section in The Teenage Guide to Stress on anger. Anger is a very natural emotion/reaction. And it's very common indeed amongst both children and adolescents and any other group who feel they don't have control over their lives. You mentioned friendships, too, and these are common triggers for anger, self-esteem issues and sadness in young people. Young people can be very cruel to each other (usually accidentally) and are not so good at understanding how others may be feeling.

The fact that he is both showing anger and also crying indicate that his emotions are very powerful. I think you might start by telling him that emotions are a) entirely natural b) good things, that make us human and c) things that can be hard to control because they start in our brain, without us asking for them. Strategies: taking a really big breath in (and letting it out slowly) when someone shouts at him; practising a visualisation technique so that he can instantly start thinking about a positive thing (eg his favourite food) when he's becoming overwhelmed by a negative emotion; and learning to walk away. If he has pent-up anger and frustration, sport is very useful. Finding a safe outlet for anger is important – punching a pillow is the obvious one, but running or kicking a football (safely!) is probably better.

You mentioned that the outbursts are upsetting for your son and I'm sure you're right. I think it's really important that he has a chance to say sorry and to forgive himself. Saying sorry can be really hard, and should not be forced, but if he can see that saying sorry helps both him and whoever he's saying sorry to, that is an important lesson. And other family members need to make sure they don't add to his feeling of shame.

Both Blame My Brain and The Teenage Guide to Stress will help him (and you) realise that all this is very normal and that it does get better. But meanwhile, the harder he tries to control his anger, the better he will get at it and the better he (and you) will feel.

Hi, our 16 yo DS2 is the youngest of 3 (S,D,S). He has always been closer to his dad than to me. We both work long hours, stressful jobs. Reorganisations meant that the only work I can get means a long commute most days which means I am rarely home before 7. I work from home 1-2 days to counter this. We have been through huge family stress the last two years: flooding, evacuation, multiple rented homes, and have recently discovered the house wasnt dried properly initially, so we are back to square one. DD has had serious mental health issues this year having witnessed the death of her 16 yo climbing partner at school- she is making a good but slow recovery, but it has certainly sapped my energy and optimism at times. Recently DS2 has started to get very angry with us and is accusing us of being crap parents. He has always been very independent, which we have encouraged. But now he is turning that round and accusing us of neglect. The conversations are very hurtful and it is difficult for me to prevent total family meltdown when he starts on us. In fact he is a wonderful lad, whom we love dearly. But he tells us he doesn't love us and can't wait to go. I just try to keep my cool and reiterate how much we love him, whatever. i am sure he is finding the prospect of yet more building work and disruption very stressful. I understand all that. But how should we manage these angry episodes, which are getting more frequent and more sophisticated?