SN teen choosing between home and away university, any advice?

[Mouth]

I'm looking for opinions/advice as I'm very worried about my son potentially going away to uni. It is difficult as it's hard to separate what might be normal worries/sadness at a child leaving home for uni from the concerns specific to his SN.

Over the course of his UCAS application, my son has said he's not bothered about going to uni and has had to be actively encouraged to engage with the process (open days, writing personal statement, choosing courses, etc) - which I (and to a lesser extent DH) have helped him with as we are wanting to keep all options open.

I feel it would be better for my son to go to a home uni as he still has little independence and I think he needs more time to develop it - he just has one or two proper friends, doesn't show much interest in going out, doesn't cook, doesn't realise when he needs a shower, usually needs help in knowing what to wear, often needs help with time management...

But DH says if son is going to uni, he should go away from home to 'have the full experience'. I get this, and I know making friends is easier when you are in halls - but I just don't think he's ready or will be ready by this autumn.

On the last day of the deadline to choose firm and insurance places, he was still saying 'I don't care' and avoiding doing it. He eventually made a snap decision and chose a non-home uni as his firm choice and a home one as his insurance choice. He couldn't really explain why but I think he was possibly feeling pressure from DH and school to choose the farther uni. He says he doesn't know why he picked it and 'doesn't care about it'. He seems irritated whenever I try to talk about uni.

I'm worried that he is making a big decision to please others and that he doesn't realise the implications.

He wouldn't apply for uni accommodation, and it's important to apply early to get a good room, so I sat with him and applied for accomm at both unis and he had little interest, was just huffing and puffing. It all just seems a bit silly.

It's a hard situation to navigate as I don't want to dent my son's confidence or make him think he'll never be ready to go away. If it were up to me (I'm trying not to sway him), I would encourage him to either start uni now but stay at home and join clubs etc to make friends or to defer it if he wants to go away. I'm questioning myself now as maybe I should have said this to him all along rather than trying to be neutral and let him make his own decisions.

I'm worried if he gets into his firm choice, events will conspire to encourage him to go this year. And I don't think he'll cope. It would be amazing if he went away and it was the making of him but my feeling is at the moment, it would be too much of a risk. If he hates it, he could be put off uni forever...

I realise I sound negative but I just want him to make the right choice.

Quite a niche post - but does anyone have any experience, thoughts or advice they can offer?

Could he get an ‘away’ experience at the home uni, by staying in halls for the first year? We are in London, so I think quite a lot of students here live in halls for the first year, then move back home for years 2 &3 (to save money). That way, he could have extra support (or stay at home for periods), but still get the halls experience, and the chance to make friends? Or if it doesn’t work out at the ‘away’ uni, he could potentially transfer to the home uni (at the end of first year?).

I’d say home would be better too OP.
But would he be living in student accommodation either way? You said you applied for accommodation for both unis.
I do know a young man who probably had undiagnosed autism who dropped out of uni because he couldn’t cope in college halls. He was effectively being bullied there. His home was about 45min to an hour’s drive from uni so, in hindsight, he should probably have commuted.

Thanks for the replies.

@Grapesandorange Yes, we (well, I really!) applied for accommodation for both unis to keep options open and also because I was thinking likewise - although I think he'd probably be best at home, he could try to 'live out at home' maybe...

@Grapesandorange The potential for bullying in halls is one of my concerns. He has ASD and is vulnerable and pretty quirky, and could easily become the butt of jokes... It's happened at school, never in a major way though. Hate to think about it but there is that risk. Guess that all depends who your flatmates are, they could be great - but it's a bit of a gamble.