SN teen choosing between home and away university, any advice?

[Mouth]

I'm looking for opinions/advice as I'm very worried about my son potentially going away to uni. It is difficult as it's hard to separate what might be normal worries/sadness at a child leaving home for uni from the concerns specific to his SN.

Over the course of his UCAS application, my son has said he's not bothered about going to uni and has had to be actively encouraged to engage with the process (open days, writing personal statement, choosing courses, etc) - which I (and to a lesser extent DH) have helped him with as we are wanting to keep all options open.

I feel it would be better for my son to go to a home uni as he still has little independence and I think he needs more time to develop it - he just has one or two proper friends, doesn't show much interest in going out, doesn't cook, doesn't realise when he needs a shower, usually needs help in knowing what to wear, often needs help with time management...

But DH says if son is going to uni, he should go away from home to 'have the full experience'. I get this, and I know making friends is easier when you are in halls - but I just don't think he's ready or will be ready by this autumn.

On the last day of the deadline to choose firm and insurance places, he was still saying 'I don't care' and avoiding doing it. He eventually made a snap decision and chose a non-home uni as his firm choice and a home one as his insurance choice. He couldn't really explain why but I think he was possibly feeling pressure from DH and school to choose the farther uni. He says he doesn't know why he picked it and 'doesn't care about it'. He seems irritated whenever I try to talk about uni.

I'm worried that he is making a big decision to please others and that he doesn't realise the implications.

He wouldn't apply for uni accommodation, and it's important to apply early to get a good room, so I sat with him and applied for accomm at both unis and he had little interest, was just huffing and puffing. It all just seems a bit silly.

It's a hard situation to navigate as I don't want to dent my son's confidence or make him think he'll never be ready to go away. If it were up to me (I'm trying not to sway him), I would encourage him to either start uni now but stay at home and join clubs etc to make friends or to defer it if he wants to go away. I'm questioning myself now as maybe I should have said this to him all along rather than trying to be neutral and let him make his own decisions.

I'm worried if he gets into his firm choice, events will conspire to encourage him to go this year. And I don't think he'll cope. It would be amazing if he went away and it was the making of him but my feeling is at the moment, it would be too much of a risk. If he hates it, he could be put off uni forever...

I realise I sound negative but I just want him to make the right choice.

Quite a niche post - but does anyone have any experience, thoughts or advice they can offer?

Could he get an ‘away’ experience at the home uni, by staying in halls for the first year? We are in London, so I think quite a lot of students here live in halls for the first year, then move back home for years 2 &3 (to save money). That way, he could have extra support (or stay at home for periods), but still get the halls experience, and the chance to make friends? Or if it doesn’t work out at the ‘away’ uni, he could potentially transfer to the home uni (at the end of first year?).

I’d say home would be better too OP.
But would he be living in student accommodation either way? You said you applied for accommodation for both unis.
I do know a young man who probably had undiagnosed autism who dropped out of uni because he couldn’t cope in college halls. He was effectively being bullied there. His home was about 45min to an hour’s drive from uni so, in hindsight, he should probably have commuted.

Thanks for the replies.

@Grapesandorange Yes, we (well, I really!) applied for accommodation for both unis to keep options open and also because I was thinking likewise - although I think he'd probably be best at home, he could try to 'live out at home' maybe...

@Grapesandorange The potential for bullying in halls is one of my concerns. He has ASD and is vulnerable and pretty quirky, and could easily become the butt of jokes... It's happened at school, never in a major way though. Hate to think about it but there is that risk. Guess that all depends who your flatmates are, they could be great - but it's a bit of a gamble.

Have similar issues here. ASD son has chosen a uni about 1.5 hrs from home and is quite excited about living away from home I would have preferred him to go to a uni closer to home but our local uni doesn't offer the course he wants to do so it would have been a case of doing a course he had no real interest in just to stay local.

DS is very very tidy and very organised which doesn't bode well for student living - he doesn't drink either I am so worried it isn't going to work out for him. DH is very against it and says I need to discourage him completely as he won't cope.

I don't know if I need to start trying to get him to change his mind. Thing is if he doesn't go to uni I don't what he will do as he has a very clear career path in mind and he needs a degree to be able to progress in the career he wants. DH says he won't cope with real life just get a job in a shop and be done with it.

He is academic and confident. He is head boy of his current school and helps run drama groups for children. He adores public speaking and is very confident when he feels safe. He has been predicted A's for Alevel and got A's and B's for GCSE so on paper is an ideal uni candidate.

Would be much easier if he got a job in the supermarket and worked there for the rest of his life but don't think this is what he really wants!!

Have you/DS spoken to disability services at both universities?

What type of accommodation did you apply for? Think about catered vs self-catered, en-suite vs shared bathroom vs studio.

Has DS applied for DSA?

DD2 lived away at university for her undergrad degree, but the right accommodation and support was vital.

Has DS had a social care assessment?