ND 13 year old daughter - help!

[itsdifferentforgirls]

So, I have a 13 yo daughter. Quite bright. Lovely to the outside world. Is autistic. I am quite the expert (self taught. Also worked with teenagers for 25years) on paper. There is little I couldn’t tell you - but holy shitballs!

I’m really wanting to ask how other mums of girls have got through teenage years and whether it gets easier and when! Almost every engagement seems like she wants to throw down with me. Any positive experience will suddenly be plagued by her anxiety. She just about has some interests outside school (a musical instrument - she rarely practises); will walk or scoot (like quite well - tricks etc) with me; does one fitness season a week (with me). I know I am her safe person - but I am also in the same minute the person who she completely wants to blame for everything (which is oftentimes so unfair and feels like such a kick in the teeth because I literally shape my life around her!). She has a few friends in school - not sure how much they see each other outside of school, but they don’t see her and she doesn’t seem to want to. She often has issues with them (in her head - not external. Very sensitive).

I have a slightly younger son who struggles with her behaviour. My (defo ND) husband tries with her but she doesn’t really trust him like she does me and he has less patience and less experience of teens/ND teens.

I live in constant fear of her teaching burnout or hurting herself on some way - because of my role I know absolutely how hard life can be for ND teens and the ways in which they can react to their challenges

help! SOS.

I'm not a parent sorry!

Dad's play a very important role in teaching teenage girls about personal safety when navigating the world, I read this somewhere.

yes, it does get easier, usually around 14–15. Not perfect, but less constant conflict and a bit more self-awareness.
The hardest truth: you’re her safe person, so you get the full force of everything. It’s not you doing it wrong.
What helped me most:
Don’t engage in the moment—pause, give space, come back later
Lower expectations around “nice moments” (less pressure = fewer crashes)
Protect your own energy where you can

Im a safe person parent too
dd is 12 and struggling in secondary with friendships but academically very bright . Is great at home but I’ve used a lot of techniques after working with ASD professionally for over 30 years .
I feel the motherload heavily

Could you share some of the techniques. Newly identified neurodivergence in DS12 and we’re still finding out feet. As OP, I am his safe person and he struggles daily.

Another safe parent here (well the only parent in my house) 13 year old diagnosed autism and 11 year old on ADHD pathway both girls (send help 🤣).

My oldest i dont tend to intervene in the moment, I let her get it all out and when she is calmer then we talk and hug (i got too close to soon one time and she unintentionally hit me while flapping her arms and i ended up with a black eye).
She has struggled with the transition to secondary school and struggles with EBSA. Although she has been alot calmer now we are in the holidays, so I think wider stresses really impact on everything else.

My youngest has tried to harm herself in the past, and although both my girls struggle with emotional regulation. The youngest worries me more with impulsive actions in the moment. I try and do 'check ins' but my youngest strives for independence more than my oldest. Like sometimes I really think my youngest genuinely hates me. I am her safe person but when she has a meltdown she is really really cruel. So not much advice, i hope tjings get a litrlr calmer for us all