Autistic girls thriving at secondary school

[Roseyposeypie]

It looks likely that our DD12 (year 8 at school) will be diagnosed with autism. There are things that she clearly finds difficult at school (sensory overwhelm, anything in a bigger or unfamiliar group, changes to routine, PE, accessing lunch and toilet facilities) but most days she looks forward to going in. She has a couple of friends she likes to see, quite a few teachers she likes, has been appointed to the school council and gets excited about new opportunities.

From reading and research I’ve realised that many autistic girls start to really struggle in the early years at secondary school. I’ve seen lots of examples on Facebook groups where a girl sounded exactly like ours and things then deteriorated quite quickly. I wondered if anyone had experience of a girl thriving at secondary school, despite finding some things difficult? And if you do, what do you think helps?

Sorry, I have no idea, but watching with interest, as my autistic daughter has never thrived in secondary. Year 12 and still struggling!

What helps depends in the girl’s individual needs.

Request a meeting with the SENCO.

Some ideas that might help your DD from the things you have said:
Use of noise cancelling earphones or headphones or ear defenders.
Looking at placement within the classroom.
Being allowed to move lessons 5 mins early or late to avoid the rush.
Being allowed a toilet pass and to use the disabled toilets.
Can DD take a packed lunch and eat somewhere quieter?
Do they have a lunch club for those who struggle with the hustle and bustle of the playground? Or can she go to the library (if the school has one)?
Where possible, advance notice of changes to routine.

What is it about PE DD is struggling with? Is it all PE or just certain sports? (If they have multiple groups can DD hop groups to stay with an activity that is easier for her to cope with?) Is it the getting changed in the changing rooms? (If so, can she get changed somewhere quieter?) Is it getting changed full stop? (If so, can she go to school in PE kit on PE days?)

Do all her teachers know? If not, if you have their email addresses, email them directly.

Just saw this post while trying to navigate my own DD13, and sounded exactly like yours, up until halfway through year 9, when things have totally started to fall apart. The saddest thing is how happy she always was, despite all her struggles at school, and how that has turned on its head so suddenly. I really hope the same doesn’t happen to yours. I never expected mine to lose her love of school.

I'm late to this thread. Sorry I can't add a happy note (very glad your DD seems to be doing well).

DD (age 12) is struggling. She's going to a huge co-ed secondary that had impressed us on the open day for it's SEN facilities, but ultimately isn't that great. She's coming home crying each day. We're going to try a transfer to a slightly smaller local school or try and go private. The latter would mean a significant scaling back of the finances, but we'd do it.

I think one of the biggest positives here is that she still wants to go to school and has people she feels connected to there.
A lot of autistic girls do struggle more as social expectations increase, but having safe people, predictable routines and somewhere to decompress can make a huge difference.
Sometimes the children who appear to be “coping” are actually working incredibly hard internally, so keeping communication open and watching for signs of exhaustion or burnout is probably more important than whether she looks fine on the surface.

Im someone who got a late diagnosis at 15.5, and yes like others have said its a massive positive she still wants to attend school. As @MeltonMumInsights very accurately mentioned what they did, to understand that further have a google of the coke bottle effect.

From my own experience, the masking is what catches people out. maintaining elements of her environment like noise cancelling headphones or a fidget if allowed would be some starter supportive measures. for transitions, would something like a now/next board work?

PE has a lot of sensory information involved, if its the noise, then noise cancelling headphones would be good. where its anything else, encourage her if if she can to chat with her teachers to allow them to know whats bothering her and work together on a plan to reduce the sensory input surrounding PE.

For lunch access, is there not a quiet space she can sit if its the environment? likewise if its food smells and textures, i'd definitely see if she can have access to a quiet space where needed.

where toilets is concerned, this one is about timing. if the school has one, see if she may be able to use their disabled toilet as this is an individual cubcle, as this then cuts down on anxiety.

for being in a bigger or unfamiliar group, it is worthy of a discussion to find out what is triggering this then speak to school. unfortunately, i flopped not thrived at secondary school due to bullying that went under the carpet and i got blamed for that has left its scars. I hope this helps

My daughter has thrived academically at secondary school, but social anxiety and the breakdown of her only friendship has resulted in her being extremely distressed in her current school, extremely lonely and isolated. We are going to move her to our local secondary. It’s much closer, but it’s not as good a School. If she is equally as sad at this school we will move her to online private school. We are 2nd on the waiting list and hoping things move fast.

i think a lot of it seems to be down to luck and whether they are able to find a like minded group of friends. Sadly, that has not happened for my daughter.

@hydrangeasandroses this is exactly what is happening to our dd aged 12 . She isn’t diagnosed but has many traits , the isolation and watching her distress is heartbreaking while achieving A marks in every subject . Currently working though forms to access help , get diagnosis .

@idontreallyno I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. Heartbreaking is an understatement. We’ve had a lot of challenges as a family but I think this might be the toughest thing I’ve faced as a parent. Her loneliness is crippling and yet no one understands it. She’s so kind and sweet. We are desperately awaiting a place at a new school locally. We chose secondary based on the school we felt best able to meet her needs. And whilst they have been supportive, they seem to be at a loss. The new school probably won’t support her as well but at least she’s local then and can try to build a life for herself, even if she’s alone.

My daughter is in year 10 and was diagnosed ASD in year 7
She is thriving academically (predicated 7,8,9s next year) and she has some amazing teachers who really have her back
But friendships are a nightmare - she really struggles socially and 1 by 1 her friends have distanced themselves. She had “friends” but not one would put her before another friend…
Its heartbreaking

Im afraid I dont have a positive school story but interested if anyone else has with their autistic daughters. To see if their school does anything different which may account to this.

My just turned 13 yo daughter waa literally diagnosed privately in April. I won at mediation for LA to carry out needs assessment and thought well I need all her needs identified so paid for the private assessment, which did go towards the needs assessment.
She masked greatly in year 7 at school which made it difficult to get them to understand, when I am saying the emotional toll secondary is having on her is massive. The meltdowns at home were immense, things she enjoyed doing even outside of school she stopped entertaining, just completely isolated inside and outside of school.
91% attendance in year 7 and great grades, she also did very well in her year 6 SATS. Then year 8 came....... she ended the year with 62% overall attendance with 6.9% attendance in the last month 😱. She just couldn't do it, she would say she wants to tell the SENCo something, then morning would come and she couldnt leave the house.
We have had a draft EHCP and I am pushing for an autism specialist school, as all EP, Autism and CAT team assessments state she feels unsafe amd overwhelmed in the school environment.
She does attend an I form entry school currently, the SENCo recently received an award, and they are very responsive via email amd seem to take my concerns on board....... however even with my emails ALOT in the building up to EBSA, I feel the school treated it as behavioural at first rather than unmet need.
Was actually internal emails between staff from a SAR request I made that I used at mediation to prove my daughters needs are misunderstood, therefore she is not getting the support she needs. Which is why we have gone from struggling to get her to school, to her getting distressed at the thought of it nevermind leaving the house to attend.

Sorry this became quite long.