Adult ds not buying birthday cards for siblings with autism

[Pinkponyclub3]

My daughter buys beautiful gifts for her autistic brothers
But my 24 year old ( no diagnosis) son , doesn't even get them a card
Yesterday was my eldest sons ( diagnosed autistic) birthday 25
. middle son 24 didn't wish him a happy birthday, didn't buy him a card .and told me he was coming to the birthday dinner,but didn't bother to turn up and only let me know when I texted half an hour after we started eating..where are you ...he just replied he was busy ..
I feel so hurt ..my son got 3 birthday cards ,2 of which I wrote myself,as one was from my youngest son.
Last month was my youngest son's ( diagnosed autistic) birthday ,and middle son didn't wish him a happy birthday,or buy him a card .
Again I was upset .
Youngest son yesterday.. didn't wish middle son a happy birthday either ,
But youngest and eldest son are autistic.. middle son has no diagnosis..
But actually both birthdays middle son kept out of the way all day ( Sundays ) and seems incapable of just wishing a happy birthday..
I long have my suspicions that middle son is also autistic but not diagnosed.
But I'm diagnosed autistic and I still manage to buy and wrap birthday cards and presents.
I can't work out if I'm unreasonable to be upset

Actually..just to add
When it's middle sons birthday,I always buy a card each from both autistic brothers and I buy a present from them and wrap it for him .
Does that not make it obvious he needs to reciprocate ??

How is DS2’s relationship with DS1&3 for the rest of the year?

Does DS2 send birthday cards and presents to others? Some people don’t really celebrate birthdays.

I don’t think you can say you are autistic and manage so DS2, who you suspect is autistic, should be able to. By that logic, DS1&3 should be able to without your help.

Have you offered support to DS2 like you arrange cards/gifts from DS1&3?

Do DS1&3 bother with DS2’s birthday? You sort presents and cards from them, but do they get involved? If they are able to, do they help you wrap the presents and write the card? If they are verbal/communicate in other ways, do they wish him happy birthday, even if prompted by you?

No the brothers don't get involved in me buying or wrapping or even writing on the cards ..it's all me pushing it
I have given this quite a bit of thought since I posted,as it helped just to type out my feelings on here .
Relationship is non existence throughout the year
Ds 1 was incredibly violent during childhood to DD and ds2 ..I did my best never leaving them alone with ds1 ,but there were occasions I failed and he got them .
I had hoped as adults under the same roof we could move on and be a happy family
But at best we are a polite family,no laughter,no fun ,..no birthday cards .
I guess you reap what you sow
I know I absolutely did my utmost to keep DD and ds2 safe from ds1 ..
My DH worked away for weeks at a time and it was exhausting managing the violence on top of poo smearing and weeing in siblings beds or weeing on the Christmas tree or in draws of clothes,or smashing eggs everywhere when I nipped to loo ,or squirting ketchup all over walls ,tipping sugar and cornflakes all over his bed to drive his trucks through..
I'd literally do a quick wee and he'd managed to destroy something else .
So I guess ds1 and DD lived through that as well as me ..and I suppose I should be greatful they are at least civil to him .
Ds 3 has a huge gap in age between the oldest 3 ..he doesn't speak to them ,
In fact DD was in tears only recently saying she has no relationship with ds3.
But she is nearly 30!.. surely that is not my responsibility too
Ds 3 is a teenager and she is an adult,how on earth is that non existent relationship my fault to.

All of this buying birthday presents and cards and Christmas presents,for each other ..
Was started by me ..I only recently started buying for dd and ds2 from ds1 and ds3 .
None of the siblings thought to buy for each other
I started it because I was worried ds1 and ds3 would not get birthday or Christmas presents or cards when I'm dead .
They have no friends and no other family bother to send anything
But it goes deeper than that ..it's about me worrying what will happen to ds1 and ds3 when I'm dead and their dad is dead .

DS2 is an adult and obviously dislikes his elder brother. Given the violence, no surprise that he is polite and nothing more.

Neither of your autistic kids will be cared for by your other children. You should look to get them into supported/ sheltered/ independent housing sooner rather than later

I suppose I'd hoped we could move past everything and be a normal family
We had assisted living place a year a go
We had a social worker who had put things in place for him ,I was in support of him going.
Ds1 refused to even discuss the idea and just got angry when it was mentioned
My DH refused to consider it and said he would of had a fit if someone had tried to do that to him at 25.
Social worker said she could work with him to accept it ,if my dh agreed as we would be effectively kicking him out ..but my DH refused to even discuss it and obviously we lost the place
I honestly don't know where I go from here with any of it

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing and taking your frustration at the situation out on DS2. DS2 doesn’t bother with DS1&3’s birthdays, but neither do DS1&3 bother with DS2’s birthday. Why do you think the relationship should work one way? And birthdays really shouldn’t be the focus, IMO.

DS2 is not responsible for DS1&3. It sounds like growing up was incredibly difficult for him. Has DS2 had counselling?

You can’t put the care of DS1&3 onto DD and DS2. That isn’t fair. You need to put steps in place so that there is other support. If DS2 isn’t ready for supported living yet, what other support is in place? Does he have a PA/carers at home? I think you need to start by having a frank conversation with DH.

Yes
I know
Your not saying anything I've not already thought
Ds1will not discus any changes or be part of any discussion
We have a social services package of 9 hours a week ,but it's on ice at the moment as he wouldn't engage..and it's a long story of disaster,that would just derail the thread .
I'm well aware he needs assisted living,but Ds1 and DH don't agree and won't support any changes